She doesn’t want to tell me who my father is

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

My mother is one of the nicest women I have come across hence I’m always wary of hurting her.

I’m 22 years of age. She has been the only parent I have ever known. Not once has she mentioned my father or his family. Whenever I try to bring up the topic she becomes agitated and since she is very hypertensive, I do my best not to provoke her.

I’m her only child too. I don’t even know anything about her sex life as she appears to have frozen that aspect of her life. She goes and comes straight home from the office; has very few friends. Her family members too are extra protective of her so much so, the last time I tried to find out from her who my father is, my grandparent, uncles and aunties warned me never to make such demands of her. To appease me, my uncle who has never ceased to play the role of a father in my life, sent me on vacation to Paris with my cousins. 

I lack nothing because every member of my mother’s family is ready to give me whatever I demand for. I have searched for every possible clue, including prying through my mother’s secret documents when she isn’t around. I found nothing except my birth certificate that has her maiden name as my surname.

I also knew from the dates on her certificate that she had me while at the university; in her second year.

I enjoy all the attention but I really want to see my father. The nearest I have come to finding out who my father is; is a group photograph of her former schoolmates. In the pix, she leaned towards this very handsome man who from my looks, I share some similarities with.

There was no name at the back of the picture.

By August ending I shall be 23 years of old. If things go very well, I want to get married next year. 

It is very frustrating for me the way my mother and her family carry on about my paternity.

I also noticed that one of my rebellious aunties who isn’t in synergy with them and who has severally threatened to tell me who my father is, has been sent aboard. 

I feel lost and very angry at the same time. 

Don’t I have a right to know who my father is? What do I tell my children when they ask me for my father? please help me because much as I don’t want to hurt my mother, I want to know the identity of my father.

Stephanie.

Dear Stephanie,

It’s your right to know who your father is. Nobody should deny you that right.

But given the situation you have found yourself in, there is the need for you to be cautious else you risk making a total mess of everything.

On the surface, your mother has no right to deny you of meeting your father or his family members. But issues like yours go deeper than you realize because of the many complications and injuries that are tied to what you are demanding for.

The fact that your mother didn’t marry or remarry; has no known man friend; lives a semi secluded life should give you an insight into what might have gone wrong between them.

The actions of your mother alone is enough evidence that her hurt runs deep and that she must have loved you deeply to have kept you. Many women have been known to abandon their babies on the road side to escape memories of their misadventure.

That perhaps explains the special care and interest of her family in you. They obviously don’t want her worrying over you upkeep or taking a retrogressive step to her past.

It could also be the reason they don’t want you upsetting her with demands to see your father.

If you say she is hypertensive; that is only part of her story. She may have suffered some psychological damage to prompt her decision never to experience the love of a man again.

Until you get into the adult world properly, you may not totally comprehend all the different facets there are in the world of adults.

A simple matter of love that went wrong has been known to lead to deaths or insanity.

Doubtless, they are being unfair to you by denying you the identity of your father but if you are very patient, you will eventually understand the story behind it.

In your case, it has gone beyond your mother to her entire family. It only underscores how messy and complex the situation that brought you to life is.

The fact too that your father’s family, hasn’t made the effort to see you is also prove that things really went wary between them. If for nothing, they should have made the effort to fight for you or see you in school.

For this reason you cannot afford to be too hard on your mother or any member of her family in your quest to see your father.

This is because you aren’t even sure of their disposition towards you. To get your mother to talk, you need to sit her down for a mother-daughter discussion. Begin by appreciating her love, support and care all these years. It couldn’t have  been easy for her, despite the support from her family to take on the sole responsibility of looking after you.

Go ahead to tell her all the good things she has taught you as a mother and why you would never want to hurt her in life. Make it also clear to her that asking for the identity of your father isn’t because she has failed or that you would leave her to be with him: that until death, she remains your number one any day; any time.

Assure her that, no matter how scarlet, her past maybe, you will never judge her because her conduct, since knowing her, has made you very proud.

Make it clear to her that your quest to see your father is both primitive and inquisitive. Since our genes are wired to know who are parents are. No matter the mistakes made by our parents; the right of every child is to know those through he or she came into being.

Tell your mother that you don’t want to go through life not knowing who the other half of you is and that. Also, you want to avoid a situation where you might end up sleeping with your uncle, cousin or brother from your father’s side.

Besides all these, is the curiosity to know the man who fathered you.

Point out to her that telling you about her mistake could stop you from making a similar mistake.

If she refuses to heed your pleas, go to your grandparents and the rest of the family that you desire to see your father. Explain all these points to them as well as your gratitude for their love and care.

If they persist, ask them to imagine being in your shoes, not knowing who fathered you. Go on to ask them how they would feel not knowing the other half of their parentage. If they still refuse, threaten to go to the press or social network in your bid to locate your father. Let them know that you have a picture of your mother and her friends that would lead you to your father eventually. Ensure you have the picture in your custody before saying this as it is really the only clue you have of your father.

Since they wouldn’t want such negative publicity, they would be forced to reconsider their stance.

But this should be the last resort.

You could also try getting across to your rebellious aunty. Appeal to her conscience by asking her how she would feel without knowing who her father is. Since she appears not to be in consensus with the family, she may end up giving you the lead you need to meet your father.

Whatever you eventually come up with, don’t ever turn your back on your mother or hold any grudge against her. Always be respectful and thankful for her sacrifices on you.

Besides, you are not too young to adopt prayers as a tool for survival. With God everything is possible.  Before talking to your mother, commit her heart to God. Above all, appreciate one fact; some memories are very painful to drag out. This could be the reason she and the family do not want to talk about it. All you need to win this battle is an unusual maturity and wisdom.

Good luck.