She is uneducated but…

Dear Agatha, 

I appreciate your good work. I’m 30 and just finished from law school. There is a lady in my life that loves me to her bone marrow and will do anything to make sure I marry her. Her people too want me for a son-in-law. They are so nice to me. 

I met her in November last year at a time I was facing the challenge of raising money to pay my law school fees. She was instrumental to my getting the money. She introduced me to someone who bought our landed property from where I got the money to pay my fees and take care of my other needs while in school. 

Now the big problem is, she is uneducated. She told me she finished secondary school but she has nothing at all to show for it. Infact, she disappointed me so badly when I put her through some tests, which made me doubt her claims of ever seeing the four walls of a school classroom.  

She is quite pretty but people don’t want me to associate with her because according to them, she doesn’t belong to my class. 

Severally, they have even accused her of being HIV positive and a prostitute. As for the HIV issue, I think that is false, because twice she donated blood of recent, to her family members in addition to her own testimonies that she has gone through several HIV tests which all proved negative. 

Once or twice, I have summoned enough courage to let her know that marriage may not work between us since we cannot pretend not to be aware of the big gap between us educationally. 

But she doesn’t want to relent, and is still seriously hoping that a miracle will happen. I would have loved to marry her, but I am presently not in the position financially to sponsor her education. Her parents too are not in any position to too to send her to school. I feel greatly for her. 

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

There are three contending issues here; you, her and others.

For you as a man to move on in life, you must first and foremost appreciate that you are the chief driver in the affairs of your life. The opinions of others are only necessary to help moderate certain actions you might want to take but, these opinions are not in anyway binding on you.

This is because there is no one that feels your reasons and emotions like you do. You alone, not anybody in the crowd would have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you take.

This is especially true when it comes to the choice of who you enter a relationship with. If a man or woman isn’t crystal-clear about his or her strength and limitations, getting to recognize the right partner for the twisted and often extremely slippery journey of life becomes difficult.

This is the point you come in as a man. What kind of woman do you want for a wife? What kinds of things will make you happy? This woman, beyond her lack of education, do you think she has what you want to make you succeed?

From the little experiences I have of life and its ways, the right education, status, connection, affluence do not count at all when it comes to marital harmony and compatibility.

That is why celebrated marriages of children of the high and mighty do not last beyond the ceremonies. The heart isn’t a product of the best universities in the world; it remains its ancient self and has eyes only for that heart that compliments it.

The manual that set up love is meant for only two people to interpret. Any attempt to involve a third party crumbles it. Therefore, this issue is more of what makes you happy than what makes your friends comfortable with the woman in your life. The right decisions are always very difficult but when made, you become happier.

The issue here is how you feel about this woman. If you were to look past her educational limitations, would you be happy living with her for the rest of your life?

There is a huge difference between marriage and the wedding ceremony. Any woman can fit into the role of the perfect bride on the wedding day but it takes a special woman to be a perfect wife, mother, companion, friend, special assistant to her husband.

These are roles; a woman doesn’t need a paper qualification to perform well in. Besides, the issue of education is one, serious minded couples have been able to overcome through understanding and support. If you are interested in her, why not make out time to understand certain things about her life. For instance, why didn’t she go to school and if she did, why is she the way she is? Despite the educational awareness of a lot of people, there are still some who don’t attach importance to it. You should take time out to find out her views on education as well as know if she would be happy continuing with her education if given the opportunity.

Her likes are the reason government set up adult literacy centers. She doesn’t need huge money to enroll. The major decisive factor is her interest in what she is doing. Once you are able to whisk her interest to be education focused, there is no telling how far she can go.

Her problem could just be the absence of a positive minded person to help put her right. From what you said of her parents, it is obvious they aren’t the kind of people to propel a positive reaction from her.

Even if you don’t marry her, be the motivator she needs to be more useful to herself and society.

The problem with listening too much to friends when it comes to the complex choice of a life partner has to do with the day to day living of a couple.

The friends whose opinion you crave and uphold will not be in the marriage to mend their wrong when you start having problems with their choice of a wife for you. They won’t be the ones who will suffer the emotional pains of living with the choice they want for you.

Often than not, the shame a lot of us want to avoid being with one person becomes the pains and disappointment of living with another person. This is the reason marital violence and divorces are on the increase in our society. Some of those marriages came to being on the strength of friends and not because the two parties feel that special thing for each other.

If this woman speaks something into your heart and life, don’t be ashamed to follow your heart because therein lies your peace and success as a man.

You are not your friends and they are not you therefore should not tell you what your heart wants.

Both of you are adults, capable of talking, realigning your dreams and coming to a decision of how to proceed. You two are the only ones who can make the decision to either end or continue with this relationship, not your family members of friends.

If you are absolute that you cannot marry her on the basis of her limited education; let the decision be yours alone and not because your friends don’t want it. This way, you will not have any regrets so ever later in life. Furthermore, if this is your final decision, stop playing games with her so that she can move on with her life.

But if you think you can manage, go ahead and do what makes you happy.

Good luck