She doesn’t want me

Dear Agatha,

I am a master degree holder. I am doing partially well by the grace of God. I want to share my problem with you.

In 2007, I met this lady whom I loved so much. I went as far as demanding and collecting the list of requirements for the traditional marriage. She is a wife material but lived far away from me. I need someone who lived very close to me. 

In 2009, I came to Lagos in search for a job and to settle down. I met another girl in Lagos I loved with all my heart. The depth of my feelings went beyond comprehension. She was then in her final year in secondary school. She later left for the university and till date hasn’t given me an answer to my request. I however still call her at times.

The problem now is that, I cannot get her out of my system even though I know she has a boyfriend she is planning on marrying.

Olagoke S.

Dear Olagoke S.,

If she hasn’t given a reply to your request after years of declaring your intentions to her, move on.

She isn’t interested in having anything to do with you. The fact too that you are not unaware of the man in her life and the importance she attaches to that relationship, should tell you to look elsewhere.

How would you feel in the man’s shoes if another man is showing undue interest in the lady you plan to marry? For the simple reason that she isn’t encouraging you in any way should make you leave her alone to enjoy her relationship with her boyfriend.

The truth here is, you are putting undue pressures on her; the kind that might eventually force her into rejecting your calls.

The number of times you call her will not really matter if she is interested in you. So, the notion that you appear to have that she might change her mind by persisting in your quest to date her, really doesn’t hold water. There are signs a woman gives to a man when she is interested and only playing hard to get. From your mail, there is nothing to suggest she is encouraging you to stay around while she makes up her mind about her man.

If you are not careful, you risk losing every chance you might have had to be her friend. Not every feeling of love can end up in a relationship with the person you have such a soft spot for. we are meant to fall in and out of love until we get the right person to share our dreams and aspirations.

This brings me to the issue of the first woman and the excuse you gave for terminating that relationship. Sometimes, answers to our challenges are right before us but we are just blinded by other things to recognize them.

If distance was the reason, you changed your mind about the other woman, don’t you think you should revisit her given the fact that you don’t even have the choice of a woman in your life now.

Like you said, she is a wife material so it is a simple matter of both of you finding ways around the vexing issue of distance.

If there is a way you can still get in touch with her to discuss and resolve the matter of distance, please do so. It isn’t often a man finds that woman he can confidently call a wife material. If you think she is good enough to be your wife; then try to make certain sacrifices.

There is no good relationship that doesn’t require heavy sacrifices.

Sometimes it is a matter of knowing what we want precisely.

You knew about the distance before approaching her and demanding for the traditional marriage list. Jettisoning the relationship at the point it was almost climaxing on the grounds of a situation you weren’t in the dark of from the dawn of the relationship calls to question your understanding of what you want from life itself. No right choice or decision can be made when the mind is enveloped in confusion.

Sincerely, this is the point to ask yourself this question; what do you want in a woman and from life itself? Your answer will inform your sincere attitude and response to this issue.

Be sure that when you are ready to be sincere, you will know the right step to take.

Good luck.

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