She is stubborn

Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35years old and my fiancée is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will, no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that, at worse, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and is giving me cause for concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends planned to attend in another town. Despite registering my discomfort and decision for her not to attend the event she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking for forgiveness. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has her kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She may be stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special and our own persons. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is; how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her, this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot overnight want to structure her to fit your own ways without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her through your patience every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that are making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience though is elastic can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behoves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evidence of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck