She cannot satisfy me sexually

Dear Agatha, God bless you for your wonderful advice to people. I am married with three children and living in Europe. My wife is from my town; I love her and my children so much and try my best to see that they lack nothing. The problem I am having with her is her inability to satisfy me sexually. She hates anything that will disturb her sleep. I sleep in the children room because she complains I snore and disturbs her sleep. I only go inside our room when we want to have sex which after which I go back to children’s room. I dare not wake her up for sex no matter how aroused I am because she will definitely turn me down with nagging. Sometimes, she insists we have sex only once in a week because she doesn’t want her female anatomy to expand. This is a woman who delivered all her children through Cesarean Section (CS) because her pelvis is too small to allow for normal birth. Secondly, I wonder who she wants to preserve herself for? I don’t want to have an affair outside my marriage but she is pushing me by her attitude to do other wise. I always tell her the implications of what she is doing but I don’t know her reason for all her behaviour. Please advice me before our marriage is destroyed IK. Dear IK, Has she always been like this? Did both of you pre-empt your marital vows? If you didn’t, were you her first lover? How was it like in the early days? And if you did; what were the early days like between the two of you? Queer as this may sound, not every woman is interested in sex. For some women, it is a nightmare which they have to endure for the moment the exercise lasts. They find sex unbearable, uninteresting and a complete nightmare. Has she ever complained about sex to you? At least get this angle out of the way first by asking her what her general views are about sex. You may have been having sex with her without noticing her attitude towards the whole thing. That a woman is putting up with it and having children doesn’t translate to her enjoying the act. Assure her that you are man enough to cope with her confession as long as it resolves the emotional pains your marriage is going through. Take her through every stage of your sex life, probing here and there for explanations as to why she put up an attitude at one time and a different attitude at another time. Also ask her about her attitude towards you and the marriage. When some women get tired of a man, they can adopt some emotionally abusive attitudes intended to force the man to make the decision to end the marriage. The situation in your home calls for absolute honesty; not one shadowed by fear of losing her or the security you have built around your marriage. Every marriage has its period of crisis; one both parties must resolve to form a formidable front in overcoming. It is more daunting if the challenge has to do with sexual satisfaction; no marriage can survive sexual disharmony for long. It will get to a point you will be forced to seek fulfillment outside your home. Whatever you have to find out; including what happened to her in her early years, ask her. Frostiness in the bedroom also could be from an ugly incident in the past or the tales told her by her mother about sex. Many a time, the approaches we adopt to issues in our adult years are influenced by the kinds of things our childhood environments taught and exposed us to. Evidently, there are certain things you both didn’t discuss before you got married. Ironically, sex, the very core of every reasonable marriage is what most couples neglect to discuss at the onset of their relationships. Many couples assume that once a woman and man can perform the ancient dance, everything is okay. Unfortunately, being able to perform the act doesn’t guarantee things will always be well between the couple. In your discussions, you both must be able, to at least say, how often you want sex to be between the two of you. if she is insisting once a week is enough for her and you want it everyday; one of the rules governing marriage places emphasis on compromise. Though not a tidy way of resolving the issue of sex, at least it will to an extent lessen the tension in your home until you either get used to it or she chances her attitude towards you. As a preamble, an informal kind of calendar will help resolve the immediate issue of how regular sex should be between the two of you. However, let it be known that in between time-table, sex is permitted by either party. This is because spontaneity makes the whole experience worthwhile. This period is intended to help both of you revive and find your soul as a couple. It is to help remind you both without bitterness and tension the sacrifices, patience and tolerance that are needed to triumph over difficult situation in a marriage. Beyond sex, how close are the two of you as a couple? Are you both friends; able to discuss and talk as two people that really want to spend the rest of their lives together? I ask this because sex alone doesn’t enhance the value of a marriage. both of you must have an understanding of each other’s needs, appreciate the feelings and thinking of the other person and grow the kind of selflessness and sacrifice needed to accommodate each other’s shortcomings. You both need to work on all these aspects. There is no having a rewarding sexual relationship without growing the out of bedroom connection. Everything about you must excite her just as she must be able to stimulate you into ease and comfort outside the bedroom. This is the panacea to a wonderful and wholesome relationship. Friends don’t bother about the shortcomings of each other. If there is this bond between, she won’t be bothered about your snores, would be oblivious of it and wakes you up to turn if it is really bad. You are having this problem because there is nothing to hold on to. She is short-fused, angry and irritated because both of you have become strangers to each other. Depending on how much both of you want this union to last; this is the time to restructure your marriage. You must appreciate the pressures she is going through as a woman and mother in a foreign land. As her husband, you must look for ways of helping her to cope better and give her time to manage her stress during the day time. The work of a mother is stressful. You shouldn’t be interested in her only when you want to make love; be involved during the day time too. If necessary go back to the drawing board; bring back the nostalgia of the early days; it will help you both remember what it was like and those things you forgot to do. It will aid you to remember the point you lost your focus and dreams. It may not be as easy as this, but once you are able to find each other again, sieving the through your mistakes will be a lot easier. It is therefore imperative you tackle everything together and not attempt to isolate the other issues from this process. You should also not neglect to examine your own mistakes either as a person, husband, friend and father. Even if your decision to marry was made in error; once you both agree to make it work, the errors of the past can become the strength of your marriage. Thank goodness, you are still in love with her; it makes the process of finding peace with your wife easier. Love helps the heart to endure certain abnormal situations while friendship allows the entire psychology of the human mind cope with pains and disappointments. Pay her compliments; listen always to her needs, fears and deep anxieties. If she is saying she doesn’t want her body to lose its vibrancy; it tells you of an hidden fear from someone’s experience or from something you may have said unknowingly. Allay whatever fears she has in that direction. One of the things complicating to this situation is staying in different rooms. Do everything humanly possible to ensure you both share a room. Sleeping in your children’s room is giving them a bad example. Good luck.