I am pregnant for my first cousin

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.

Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.