Can she faithfully stay married?

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.

Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.