The kernel of choices within

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com To have a successful marriage begins with the voyage of self discovery. Many a time, a lot of people are ignorant of who they really are, thereby inflicting their partners with issues they know nothing of. Painfully, who they really are goes beyond the faces they see in the mirror. Knowing the kind of fashion tastes, people and events one likes to be seen in and with isn’t the same thing as meeting the person within. Man’s inability to constantly subject the inner man to critical assessment has robbed him of that ceaseless chance to be happy in the choice of a life partner. This penchant to advertise the mundane over real substances is daily depriving the marriage institution of its value, magnificence, significance and essence. The resultant effect is the colossal disappointment it has become to many. Unfortunately, the entire blame of this collapse is unfairly being dumped on the institution rather than on the people and values taken into it. On its own, the institution is still as God designed it to be – providing man with an umbrella and platform to enjoy the special gift of sex as well as conduct the task of procreation with responsibility. It is also meant to provide man and woman a place to pull resources, strength and character to help build and develop a dependable world. Agonizingly, the sorry state of many marriages today point to the double standards of the older generation; the very reason the younger generation spurns and sneers at feeble attempts by the society not only to discuss the challenges of the institution but also to announce a caution for the youths to emulate. Overtime, the youths through the muddled-up choices and bad examples of their parents and adults around them, have taken it upon themselves to draw the imaginative conclusion that marriage isn’t any big deal after all. As a matter of fact, some of them now see the institution as a glorified prison designed to deny them the expression of freedom and self actualisation. Very unfortunate though, the youths draw their conclusions from the confusions of their parents’ choices. So how do we go back to the primeval function of marriage? How do we make it attractive again for the younger generation to want to come into and sustain? The first step is to begin with self discovery. Who is really inside you? Unknown to a lot of people, the success or otherwise of a marriage has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. Rather, it is what the person is, on the inside. Therefore, having a good marriage is to meet with the person within. This calls for absolute sincerity with oneself. There is no moving forward in life without a thorough appraisal of who we really are. Often than not, this is where the problems in marriage begin. God in His infinite mercy and wisdom has given us a gauge in life. Once we exceed the measure of our tolerance level and ability, the tendency is for us to experience overflow in our reactions to issues. For some of us, our tanks are bigger and better at accommodating and assimilating situations; whereas, some tanks are small with very short circuit, which goes off at the sight of little pressures. Knowing who you are, admitting your ability and acknowledging your limitations, makes a whole lot of difference when making the decision of who to team up with in life. Every man owes it to posterity to tell himself or herself the truth at this critical time of self examination. To lie is to put another person’s happiness in jeopardy. As so many people have found out too late, lying about one’s ability or pretending to be who one isn’t, crumbles a marriage faster than a caterpillar tractor would bring down a building. Facing up to the truth about one’s own inabilities is the real foundation of having a successful home. It enables one to look out for a partner who has the elasticity to cope at all times, with one’s inability. For instance, a woman with a bad temper will end up doing herself and children injustice by marrying a man with the same degree of temper. If a man who is naturally neat falls in love with a woman who though has a pretty face but is dirty and uncultured, he will have himself to blame at the end of the day for his failure to tell himself the truth when it mattered most. For a marriage to work, every intending couple must look beyond the physical presentation or features of the other person. Ideally, this is what courtship is meant to achieve. Every man and woman must give each other a chance to be happy from the beginning by learning to look at the enduring qualities rather than perishables. This is the area parents and the society must offer their experiences to the youths. Life itself is a process of mistakes but, a good support group of those who have gone through the process in the past can help lessen the impact of such mistakes as well as prevent them from being made in the first place. Since sex is a concomitant and extremely important aspect of marriage, every young man and woman must be clear on his or her sexual preferences as well as strength. To gloss over the issue and importance of sex is to set one’s marriage on a precipitous position from its very foundation. An intending couple should never be shy to discuss the issue of sex since many of the marriages that are collapsing cite sexual incompatibility as the main culprit. Our contemporary society has made sex a real issue, one a wise intending couple must be bold enough to discuss. Being a virgin doesn’t deny man’s primitive knowledge of sex. Even if the body is intact, man’s awareness isn’t because it’s inherent. Therefore, talking about it should never be neglected. Both man and woman should never lie about what they want in and outside the bedroom. It is a simple matter of trusting each other. When a man or woman is definite about his or her wants, it makes it easier to know what to look for in another person. This takes away the frivolous, mundane and very illiterate qualities men and, women especially, throw up when asked the important things they want in their partners. Every couple must also be able to develop a culture of communication. After marriage, partners forget to talk to each other. They do everything expected of them as a couple but neglect the important one of talking to each other. Unfortunately, the day a couple stop talking as friends, partners and companions, they unknowingly begin to dig holes into the foundation of their union. Effective communication breeds friendship, trust, progress and stability in the home. Often times, when a couple forgets to talk about the important things, but only talk about house-keeping, the children and maintenance of the home, trust gives way to suspicion and the birth of strange bed fellows. If nothing is done, the house becomes boring and unexciting, forcing the couple to seek friendship and satisfaction elsewhere. The essence of friendship in a relationship insulates it from mischief makers, family interferences and other minor but irritating habits that daily contribute to the collapse of marriages. Friendship enables a marriage to survive the storms of life because it brings about a rare understanding and appreciation of self endurance in the process of building a home. Friendship helps a couple live in each other’s mind and soul bringing out the reason God created the institution. Definitely, every marriage needs the helping hands of God to sail in the right direction. Every woman desirous of having a successful marriage should not be far from her knees. She should learn to pray about everything concerning her home; rather than nag, quarrel or fight her man or her in-laws, she should converse with God instead to direct her. Some women have fought themselves out of their homes simply because they lacked the wisdom to tackle certain issues. It is the duty of every mother to teach her daughter the golden rule of tolerance. No matter how difficult a mother-in-law is, a good wife must for the sake of her husband put up with her. To force a man to choose between his mother and wife is perhaps one of the most cruel option any woman can offer her husband. A man’s mother is as important as his wife. If she didn’t bring him to the world, didn’t look and care for him, what man will the woman marry? In conclusion, every couple must be knowledgeable about what they want from the very beginning else they leave the canoe of their lives to chance. Marriage isn’t a game of chance rather it is one that demands a bouquet of reality to make it happen. Appreciation Dear Readers, I want to use this opportunity of my birthday, to thank you all for being there. I cannot thank you all enough for your outpour of love since I announced that I will be 50 today. God bless you all. Agatha.