I want more than I am getting from him

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue plaguing my less than a year old marriage. My husband and I met in the church. We decided to abstain from sex until our wedding night even though we were both been sexually active before we met. It was tough for me but I decided to play the good girl especially as he appears to be happy with the situation. At that point, I didn’t want him having the wrong impression of me in addition to being grateful at my luck at finding a man to marry. At 29, it appeared I wasn’t going to find any man interested in me enough to want to keep me in his house. The first time we made love was a disappointment. He didn’t go past the elementary stage for me. But since it was our wedding night, I had to pretend I was okay with the situation. I had to go to the bathroom that night to stimulate myself, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. The next day, I tried to engage and direct his interest but he didn’t like the things I was suggesting; from the look on his, he wasn’t comfortable so I backed off but that didn’t mean I was also happy. One month was already enough for me to be thoroughly sexually frustrated. The funny thing is that he hasn’t noticed my attitude to sex. For me, he is very weak sexually. He simply cannot satisfy me in bed; I want more than I am getting. Besides, he also thinks making love should be restricted to certain times of day and days of the week. I find his attitude frustrating. Before I met and married him, I dictated the number of times I made love. I confided in the pastor’s wife and all I got from her were lectures on how to be a good woman; that responsible wives don’t elevate sex to positions of importance in a marriage. If he doesn’t change I might be forced to look outside for satisfaction like most women I know are doing once I give birth. For instance, since I got pregnant, he hasn’t come close to me whatsoever. He has kept his distance forcing me to continue in my habit of self stimulation. Agatha, even though, some people out there may find my situation annoying, the truth is that my husband’s attitude is forcing me to consider other options. Take for example the offer of his best friend’s wife; who has offered me lesbianism as a way out of my sexual frustration. She confided that she opted for that option to protect her marriage and the image of her husband who is a pastor. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do because I respect and love my husband but the truth is I am too much of a woman to continue living like this. What do I do with my marriage and self. It is so frustrating because I lack the vaguest idea of how to proceed with my marriage and husband. Is there anything you can do for me? I am not a bad woman just a woman who wants to be happy in her womanhood. Frustrated Wife. Dear Frustrated Wife, No matter what some people say, sexual satisfaction is integral to the success of a marriage. It is your right to be happy as married woman and to enjoy the full benefits of sex. But rather than go around telling people, inviting different kinds of opinions that might at the end of the day derail your marriage, why not summon the courage to discuss your unhappiness with your husband? If he isn’t satisfying you, let him know how his attitude to your desires is affecting the quality of your relationship with him and as well as the dangers it present to your marriage. Unless there is a determined effort to sustain communication in a marriage, so many things can get go very wrong. There is no way your husband can ever correctly guess how his understanding of sex is affecting you negatively. Perhaps until he met you, no woman has ever complained about his sexual ability or disability as the case maybe. If this is the case, your experience will definitely be new to him; and unless you take steps to educate him on how to meet you half way, he will assume you are satisfied with his performance. Therefore, you have to look for an opportune time, when he is in a good mood, to introduce the subject to him. The reason you must thread carefully is the sensitivity of the issue at hand. If you don’t apply wisdom, chances are, you might be sending the wrong signals to him. What you should do is begin by asking him what his view on sex is. It could come from what his parents told him about sex, his social circle and his own attitude towards the subject of sex. There are some people who simply don’t like sex at all. These series of questions will give you an insight into where the problem is coming from. It is best to show understanding from the view point of the other person. This man is your husband; you have to find ways of helping him come to a better understanding of his sexuality. It isn’t something you can do overnight but one that has to be gradual. Follow this by asking him about his fantasies. Somewhere in his mind and past, he must have nurtured some sexual fantasies which he lost in the process of remodeling himself into who he currently is. Between all these, also let him know certain things about yourself; your sexual preferences and how you have cultivated it over the years as well as how it is going to be difficult to completely let go of certain things from your past. This discussion is to prepare the ground for a new sexual understanding between you and your husband. Through this discussion, he will come to realize some of your frustration as well as the implications for the marriage if he doesn’t take steps to meet you half way. This talk will also help him come to a realization that sex during pregnancy isn’t harmful rather it is even recommended to help the woman during actual labour. Let him know at this point that you won’t be able to survive nine months of not having sex. Often times the pretenses of women are the reasons men continue to deny them of their rights. He is your husband; your final bus-stop as far sex with another man goes. So why pretend about what you want when you have nowhere else to go? A man who isn’t getting it right at home can go outside his home for fulfillment but a woman can’t. So demand for your right. You also have to help him by teaching him the things he doesn’t know about sex. This is why you must first obtain his trust and understanding to prevent doubts in your marriage. There are certain men who view discussion of sex by their wives as an admission of having extra martial affairs. Having that frank discussion will help open his mind to whatever suggestions you have to make concerning the alternatives open to both of you. This is the point you do away with shame as a woman. Marital problems come in different forms; unless a woman is resilient as well as determined, the problems and frustration will keep mounting until the problems overwhelm her and her marriage. And sex? Is the worst kind of problem a woman has to contend with in her marriage because nobody wants to listen to her or understand her situation. Even the women who have similar issues in their marriages pretend it isn’t an issue and instead of being sympathetic, join the others in accusing her of wrong doing. Look for adult books and tapes that will help you and your husband come to a fuller understanding of your bodies. In addition, use your knowledge of the topic to brighten your marriage. No matter how rigid your man is, under your expert hands, he will thaw. Men are different from women because they are instigated by sight and touch As a woman of experience you should know that the key to a having quality sex is having a knowledge of your partner’s body. Every man or woman has a very tender spot. Explore his body and see what happens at the end of the day. You should be able to read your husband like a book: you should know what every page on his body contains; without you saying anything to him, you can through your knowledge bring out the best in him. However, his cooperation will help you achieve your aim of ensuring sexual compatibility faster. As for the wife of your husband’s best friend, stay away from her. Her answer isn’t the right one just as the response of your pastor’s wife should be ignored. We aren’t built alike; while some women can ignore this aspect of their beings, some women like you cannot. By tailoring your need to suit you, you open your heart and mind more to tackle other issues in your marriage. Good luck.