My friend accuses me of desiring her man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have this issue disturbing my mind and which often makes me very sad. There is this friend of mine; we are both in the same school and live in the same neighbourhood. Her husband’s friend saw my picture on her Blackberry (BB) and expressed an interest in me which I initially turned down. As her wedding date approached, I became a constant visitor to their house and there I met this man again. My friend and her husband talked me into dating this man. Since my boyfriend isn’t based in Nigeria, and the fear that he might change his mind as is often the case with people who travel abroad, I succumbed to pressures of my friend and husband. Agatha, before we started dating, I made it clear to this man that we won’t have sex until I am sure of his intentions but I later got to know he was only after my body so we broke up. But unknown to me, he was relaying everything we discussed to my friend and husband, including the ones I told him about them especially the bit about my friend’s husband trying to woo me through BB chat. I got to know all these when my friend called me to see her after close of work. I was shocked at the things she claimed the man said I told him. She was very angry about the one I said about her husband trying to woo me before their wedding. When it happened, I shared it with some friends who told me not to tell her anything about it. When she told me everything the man said I told him, I couldn’t defend myself against all the lies rather I just started weeping. That night I sent him very nasty text messages prompting my friend’s husband to call me the next day to warn me that I will be held responsible if anything should happen to his friend. My friend’s husband said there is no way his friend will cook up those things he claimed I told him if I didn’t say them. I felt bad because from what my friend’s husband was saying it was obvious they both set me up. God knows I have been a good friend to his wife. I know the reason for this, my refusal to have sex with him; a fact my friend claimed to be true since he made reference to that. What should I do? I am sad at the accusation that I want to snatch my friend’s husband. It is painful and humiliating. Tolulope. Dear Tolulope, Candidly, you were wrong to discuss your friend or her husband behind them. The fact that you even mentioned them to this man makes you liable. Since you made up your mind at the beginning not to discuss what transpired between you and your friend’s husband with this friend, you shouldn’t have raised it with a friend you met through them. Mentioning the incident to a man you weren’t sure of, a friend to the man who also tried to date you, was wrong. Being friends, there is no way, he would keep such information away from his friend. The fact that your friend’s husband tried to date you was enough reason to have totally declined the offer of friendship from his friend. The signs that they were both setting you up for the kill was there from the beginning but, you failed to notice. How can a man who also tried to date you willingly encourage you to date his close friend? At that point, your warning bells should have sounded the alarm. Next time, be careful of any kind of situation that will get you into trouble. Most people who hear their side of the story will conclude you were really jealous of your friend; enough to make a pass at her husband. And coming from the man the world knew you were in a relationship with, will certainly make the story appear to be true. The conclusions would be he left you when he found out that you are the kind of friend and woman not to be trusted. Only very few will believe your story that he is telling these tales out of pains and disappointment at your refusal to sleep with him. For the sake of your safety, desist from sending him or any of them text messages. Control your temper and be mindful of the kinds of threat messages you send to this man. With this kind of man, you have to be careful since you don’t know the extent he is likely to go in dealing with you. Men have been known to kill women for refusing to have sex with them. Anyway, the harm has been done. Move on with your life. You don’t have to prove anything to your friends; obviously their minds are made up about you and the more you try to clear your name, the messier, the matter becomes. The best thing in this kind of situation is for you to ignore them entirely. Stay away from her home, if she wants to continue your friendship, limit it to your school interactions and be careful, you don’t say anything to her. Wisdom demands you manage the situation for the sole purpose of protecting your image and reputation. Sincerely, you are the only one that can make the difference in this whole thing. If you adopt an attitude of ignoring whatever your friend says or how she reacts to you, by maintaining a dignified silence, it will soon blow over. You have nothing to prove at all if you are innocent; only the guilty try so hard to prove their innocence. As long as your mind is clear; that what you said was in good faith, let her attitude or conclusions about you not bother you. Knowing God as much as I do, He will eventually establish the truth. But until he does, keep your peace. Another thing you should do, especially if this friend of yours has the address of your boyfriend is to find ways of telling him about this incident. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot to gain since you already doubt the future of this relationship. The reason you must come clean with the truth is, the likelihood of your friend getting to him with the lies before you even have a chance of telling him the truth. At any rate, if this happens, whatever you are trying to conceal now will have to be said by you. So why not tell him first? If he has the plans to come for you, this incident will hasten him to make plans for both of you to be together and if he doesn’t, you will know from his attitude; hence a clear picture of what you should do with your life. The truth is, you cannot go on like this. It is either you have a boyfriend with a solid plan for you or you have none therefore the need for you to go on with your life. This incident happened because you are not together and particularly as you are not sure of what he has in stock for you. As a young woman, your shelf-span has an expiry date. The reality on ground is, both of you haven’t been able to come with clear plans of the future. This is the time both of you should do some very honest, talk; not the kind that is keeping you in limbo of not knowing how to proceed from the point he left you. If you don’t tackle this outstanding issue with your boyfriend, you will continue to fall into this kind of mess with friends who overtime will either think you are an easy lay or out to steal their men. You cannot rule out the possibility of your friend discussing this issue with other female friends of your group. They may not say anything to you but, their attitude towards you whenever they are with their men will tell you what they think of you. If you have a man of your own, none of them will be bold enough to act rudely to you. Therefore, use the opportunity of this incident to address the future of your relationship with your foreign based boyfriend. Let him tell you what his plans are in plain English; in addition, he must take steps by informing and instructing his family members about your relationship. It might just be that this incident happened for the purpose of making you move beyond the point you have stationed yourself as a result of your association with your overseas boyfriend. Good luck.