My mother-in-law is crude

With Agatha Edo,Email:,womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626


Dear Agatha,
My mother-in-law is rude, unpolished and unbearable. I got married in June last year and had my baby in October.
Even though my mother came to help me with the baby, my husband insisted he wanted his mother to come over too since my baby happens to be her first grandchild.
Nothing my mother did was good enough for her. She wanted things done only her way. It got to a point, my mother had to leave because she couldn’t endure the situation anymore.
What really angered my mother was the reaction of my husband to his mother’s attitude. Being my mother, she understood my needs better and I preferred her cooking to my mother in-law’s. Unfortunately, my husband appeared not to like my mother’s cooking. Whenever my mother prepares a meal, he either doesn’t eat it or finds an excuse to abandon the food after one or two spoons even when he claims to be hungry.
The fact that I insisted my mother does the cooking got my husband upset. Until my mother was forced to leave as a result of his attitude, he simply stopped eating at home. He only ate when his mother does the cooking and on those days, I too won’t be able to eat because I prefer my mother’s cooking.
Since my mother left, it has been tough for me. I noticed that his mother doesn’t wash our clothes (me and my baby’s) properly. I suspected she was doing it deliberately and I started washing my clothes myself. But before then, I told my husband about the clothes; rather than confront his mother, he took it as a personal insult on his mother. I am not sure whether he told her but I noticed she wasn’t too keen anymore washing my clothes or that of the baby hence my decision to do the washing myself.
I also took over my kitchen. Last week, without any warning, she announced her intentions to go back to her husband’s house. I was happy because it meant my mother would be able to come back to look after me but the issues are, my husband doesn’t want my mother back and my mother is insisting my husband as well as his mother owe her an apology for the way she was treated when she was in my house.
I feel the same way. But, how do I tell my husband my mother’s demand because he is short-fused these days. He is becoming cranky and I no longer enjoy being in the same place with him as a result of his attitude.
How do I get him to see my mother and beg her to come back to help me?
Olufemi.

Dear Olufemi,
Judging from your mail, I am not sure, you are fully prepared for the journey of matrimony. There is no woman who describes her mother-in-law with the kinds of expressions you used, may not last or stay long in her husband’s house.
Besides, it showcases you as one who lacks appreciation. For her to leave whatever she was doing to come to your house to wash, cook and care for you, is enough for you to forgive whatever mistake she makes in the cause of her stay in your house. She didn’t have to wash your clothes but she did out of love for her son and grandchild. Implying she didn’t wash them well was totally beyond you.
In calling your husband’s mother such names, you forget that a time would come in your life when another woman, married to your son will also describe you in such terms.
No matter the offence of this woman, you lack the right to use such harsh words on her. It underscores your own attitude and contempt for everything she represents. Unfortunately, her son, your husband and father to your child are products of her person. To hate her, is to hate everything that has a relationship with her.
Since you cannot hate your husband and child, you must find ways of ensuring you reconcile with her. Painfully, your mother who has the experience as well as the knowledge of the diplomacy every woman needs to navigate her matrimonial home should have warned you to be cautious.
If you want the truth, your mother has not helped you a bit in the management of your home. She should not have attempted to cook your meals in the presence of your mother-in-law. What she should have done is to insist you adapted to meals prepared by your mother-in-law. Joining your mother-in-law to drag the kitchen, was very wrong of your mother. Whether you like it or not, you are the one who has to adjust to eating what your husband and his mother like because the onus is on you to protect your home.
While your husband can refuse not to eat the food you cook on account of it not tasting like his mother’s, you as the woman cannot afford that luxury. Therefore, you are the one who has to learn how to cook like his mother. And what better opportunity than now that she is with you to learn how to cook the special meals your husband grew up with? This is what a wise woman would do. Don’t forget that nobody knows your husband the way she does or can cook the meals he likes the way his mother does.
Marriage goes beyond making babies. That you have a child for him isn’t all you have to do to make your marriage succeed as a woman. There are many angles to a good marriage. And for a man, to cook his food is a must; it is what makes the difference between being a bachelor and a married man.
What would be his testimony as a married man, if he cannot get good food in his house? No matter how bad you consider his mother’s cooking to be, it is still the best in his opinion hence would resist any attempt by you or anybody to rubbish the toils of his mother over him.
Just as you want him to accord your mother her due respect, you must also learn to give his mother her respect. Without that woman, who you used such colourful language to describe, there won’t be him and your baby. If she is unpolished, rude and uncultured, then your husband is all these attributes put together. Deep down, do you see all these attributes you have painted of his mother in your man? If you have, then these are the qualities you unknowingly fell in love with. This is because she can only give what she has to her son. We are products of our parents. Just as you are your mother’s daughter, he is his mother’s son.
To be very honest with you, there is no having this man without his mother. You must learn from this early; how to manage and harmonise his good and bad sides.
Don’t also forget you are also a mother and would one day find yourself in her position.
For this reason, be careful you don’t create a problem you cannot manage in your marriage, one that would take forever to resolve. This isn’t a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship; marriage is a permanent thing hence the need for you to apply wisdom at all times.
If you listen too much to your mother, you may not have a marriage at the end of the day because you are a woman. She doesn’t own your home or has the rights your mother-in-law has in her son’s house. You know your mother, ask yourself if she would tolerate or endure the kinds of things your mother-in-law put up with in your brother’s house?
Tell your mother that while she is within her rights to ask your husband to apologise to her for whatever wrong he may have done her, she should leave your mother-in-law out of it.
At this juncture, I think, it may be wise for both mothers to be left out of your home, at least for now because they appear to be causing problems in your young marriage. This would enable you and your husband nurture your marriage while you also pray for a lot of tolerance, wisdom and maturity to make your marriage work.
Good luck.