After a baby, my live-in lover’s zeal wanes…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I suspect my boyfriend is in another relationship. We have been dating for five years and planning to get married next year.
We are live-in lovers and have a child already. What we are waiting for is just the formal ceremony. I have always wanted a big wedding while he says he cannot afford it. He said he would prefer to pay the bride price first before saving for the big wedding. I refused then because I wanted it all. But the arrival of my baby last year, I have been pressuring him to go and pay my bride price, but he seems not to be in a hurry anymore.
Severally, I have questioned the changes in him, asked why he is no longer engrossed in our relationship, although he keeps assuring me otherwise, but I am sure I know what all the signs I am seeing mean.
I noticed certain things about the way he relates with me have changed. For instance, he forgot my birthday for the first time in five years and when I reminded him, he simply said he was too busy. And took him another two days to even get me a gift.
I also noticed that these days, he appears to be more interested in the baby, his appearance and the state of the house than my feelings. He is always on the phone and when I succeed to distract him, he practically rushes through the conversation.
To make matter worse, he has taken this new attitude to the bedroom. He rushes the process of initmacy to the extent the magic of the moment is lost. He began by telling me he wanted me to recover from the stress of childbirth.
It has been six months since the birth of the baby, but things have continued to depreciate in our relationship.
His mother keeps assuring me that nobody can take my place in her son’s life, but deep inside me I am scared that there is another woman somewhere.
I confirmed as much from the way he hoards phone these days. He doesn’t allow me come near his phone; he even takes it to the toilet with him.
My friends are urging me to trail him to the unknown woman’s place to warn her to stay away from my man. I really don’t know what to make of this.
Agatha, what can I do to make him come back to me? I know I can be stubborn at times, always wanting things done my way but we have been through a lot together.
Besides, I love him very much and ready to forgive him anything as long as he is by my side.
Please help me. My son and I miss him very much.
I don’t want to fight anyone. I just want him back.
Docas.


Dear Docas,
Thank God for your wisdom. I am glad that you know nothing positive would be achieved by you fighting him over mere suspicions.
Even if your suspicions eventually turn out to be right, still refuse to bow to the counsel of your friends. You really don’t have any business with the other woman if the truth must be told. Your business is with your man. Iron out whatever the issues are with him instead of fighting a fight you may never win especially if the issues that drove him into this woman’s arms persist in your home.
Although not every man needs an excuse to go into another relationship, but in most cases, the problems can be traced to the main woman. In your case, stubborness as well as lack of understanding of the nature of your man.
Only very few relationships can survive this imbalanace. Most men aren’t equipped to deal or put up with very stubborn women. In their opinion such women are great turn offs because they are difficult to manage.
Insisting you wanted a big wedding when he told you he didn’t have the money to finance it was wrong. Another woman would have asked him how much he had and agreed to manage it as long as it meant being with her man. Men are not so emotional about marriage as women do. Therefore when a man makes a demand for marriage, insists on it but not getting the kind of support from the woman, his interest soon begins to fade.
Your man may have gotten fed up waiting for you to accept him the way he is. And now that you appear to want it as desperately as he once wanted it and on the terms he gave you then, he appears to have moved on.
There is no challenge love and determination cannot overcome in a relationship. The firs thing is for you to retrace your steps. Be truthful enough to admit your mistakes. Once you do this, it simplifies the entire process of reconciliation with your man. One thing is for sure, if he has really made up his mind about you, he would have done one or two things: pack out of the house or ask you to leave. Beyond the child between the two of you, he has nothing else to consider because you are mere live-in lovers. There is no document or action under any law protecting your stay with him. Therefore, if he actually wanted you out of his life, it would have been very easy for him to show you the way out.
For this reason, be careful you don’t set off a chain of reactions in your relationship that you will later regret. And for all you know, he may just be acting this to break you down, make you accept your place in the relationship as well as jealous enough to make you think of the damage you are doing to the relationship.
There is no relationship that can survive with two masters. You must learn from this early stage how to befriend your man, make him do things for you without you makng a fool of him or obvious to him.
Humility is still one of the tools a wise woman uses in managing her relationship. Even if you wanted an elaborate wedding, you still have listened, considered his options and made allowances for his reasons. If you are so obstinate on the kind of wedding you want, what assurances you will listen to him in other matters?
This is one angle you should work on in your attitude. No man wants to end up with a woman he would argue with for the rest of his life. The fact that you made a dramatic you turn from what your position was without any reason is enough signal that you are only bothered about what makes you happy.
At the time he wanted you at all cost, you didn’t want him enough to give up your dream of a big wedding. Now that you have a child, afraid that you would lose everything if he fails to marry you now that you are a mother, you are willing to do things his way. Life doesn’t work like that.
If actually he is in a relationship and has found the woman who is selfless, willing to make him her man, invest in his happiness without weighing things in her favour first, it might be a little difficult for you to re-interest him in you without first making dramatic changes in your person.
Five years must have given you some vital knowledge of him. You should know by now how to get him to listen, know the things he likes best as well as what he expects of you. One thing my experiences in life has taught me, is absolute patience. Patience and selflessness go hand in hand. You now have to ‘stoop to conquer’ what you unwittingly gave up.
No matter how forbidden his looks are, beg him. Tell him you are sorry for being such a selfish person. Tell him about your resolve; this will tell him the thoughts and time you have put into making him happy again.
It is also important he knows that you are really sorry because you love him and not that you want to marry him at all cost. It is essential that your change of mind is from a heart of love, and not one of desperation.
There is something you are doing right that has kept you in his life for five years. Go back to the drawing board, find it and amplify it. Once you get it right with him and your relationship, the other woman would become a thing of the past.
In addition, learn to pray.
Good luck.