Met in party, had the fun, now I’m pregnant…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I urgently need help in resolving the mess I have put myself in.
My birthday was in the first week of December. My friends organised a birthday party for me. It was fun and one thing led to another between one of my male guests and I. we ended up in bed that night. I didn’t plan it, it just happened.
For me, it was fun, one of those things one does. Unfortunately for me, it has resulted in a pregnancy I cannot terminate because of the delicate nature of my womb.
My boyfriend, who has been away for three months just got back into town after the national strike, so cannot pass off the pregnancy as his.
Three things bother me about this pregnancy: I don’t know where the father of my unborn child lives. My friend who organised the party doesn’t even know whom he came with. I can’t even make out his face. I went to the extent I did with him on that day, because I was both lonely and in need of male company. To me, it was meant to be a one night of pure passion with a stranger.
The second issue is how to tell my boyfriend of five years. We have tentatively fixed our wedding day for the second weekend in April. How do I explain to him that I am with another man’s child?
The third problem has to do with my parents. My parents are both pastors and have high hopes for me. As a matter of fact my father still thinks I am a virgin at 25. He, particular, will be so disappointed and how do I explain the lack of father for this child? How do I explain to my parents and boyfriend that I slept with a man I was meeting for the first time?
I truly love and cherish my boyfriend. I honestly didn’t plan any of these to happen. I am so confused and don’t know what to do.
Is there anything I can drink to bring this baby down since all the efforts I have put into terminating it have failed?
There is no way I can keep this baby at all. Keeping it will mean losing my life, dreams and place in my father’s heart. Please tell me what to do since I don’t see myself keeping this pregnancy. If I don’t kill myself first, my father will certainly do it, because he is not only strict; so much so, he doesn’t wed pregnant women in his church. People will mock and laugh at my parents’ ministry and me.
It isn’t as if I cannot cope financially, I earn a good salary as a staffer of a telecommunication company, but the outrage that will follow from every quarter is what I fear the most.
Labake.

Dear Labake,
For all it is worth, this isn’t the end of the road for you. There is no use crying over spilt milk. The harm has been done; there is a baby on the way. These are facts you cannot change, no matter how hard you try. The wise thing to do at this difficult juncture of your life is to learn to accept it as the perfect will of God for you.
It may not be what you want, but it is what life is offering you at this point in time. There is no doubt, people will talk, but it is for only a while. Once the baby is born, they will forget and move on to other things and people, since there will always be issues happening to gossip about.
As for your parents’ ministry, if premised on the strenght and directions of God, it will survive. The ministry belongs to God and not them.
As for the reaction of your parents, especially your father, they will feel bad and disappointed naturally. But, there is nobody on earth that can question what God has permitted. The fact that this baby cannot be terminated underscores some inherent lessons for you, your parents, and young girls like you who take unnecessary risks with their bodies. Allowing a complete stranger get so close to you without any thought of precaution, prevention and consequences was thoughtless, but that is as far as you can go in the area of blame in this issue.
Granted, you have made a mistake, but if you calm down sufficiently to think, you will discover that there is no problem on earth that has no solution.
You are getting hysterical, because you are attempting to solve all the attendant issues at once. Take one at a time. The first person that deserves to be told about your condition is your boyfriend of several years. The earlier you told him the truth, the better for you.
He deserves to know the truth about what happened that day. Don’t leave anything out of your story. As it is, you have hurt him enough; don’t hurt him any further by lying to him about the incident that led to your being pregnant for another man.
In so doing, you have given him his freedom to make up his mind about you or the relationship.
The next thing is to inform your parents about it. At 25, you are no longer a baby, which means nobody is going to condemn you for your actions. It would have been another kettle of fish if you were still underaged. Under every known law, you are an adult – no longer under the control of your parents – so there is really no way they can be blamed for your actions.
Yes, your father will be disappointed because he expected more from you given the kind of training he gave you. But, that is all he can do – get angry. He cannot beat or harm you. The worst he can do at this point is to disown you for giving him a grandchild whose father you don’t know his whereabouts. It would have been a different matter if you cannot point to any man as being responsible. At least you know whom. Although a little consolation given your delicate situation, but God says we should be grateful in every situation we find ourselves.
After informing them, if you can, relocate. You can ask your office to transfer you out of Lagos, but if it is impossible, change your current accomodation before the pregnancy becomes obvious. Go to a place where no one knows you or your history to start all over again.
However, don’t give up on finding the young man you got pregnant for. Take time to go through the list of those your friend invited for the party. If you are thorough and not shy to ask questions, one or two persons must have observed your intimacy to the man that night. Such persons may have the information you need to locate him.
The essence of finding him is not to force him to take responsibility, but to be aware that he has a child somewhere.
There is no situation worth taking one’s life. Time has a way of healing our pains.
As for the unborn child, let it be. That child has a reason for coming. If you insist on terminating the pregnancy you may end up with a deformed child. To add a deformed child to the problems you have is to give yourself a burden you cannot shoulder. Therefore allow the child be. You have made one mistake; don’t make another one. Besides, what you are trying to do is to terminate a life you didn’t create. This innocent child didn’t make the decision for you to have unprotected sex; you did so why end a life that is yet to begin all because you got careless?
When we get to a diffuclt Y-junction in life, God remains our best bet. He can forgive your first mistake, but not that of terminating this pregnancy. And since you have been warned by doctors not to attempt it, just let it be.
Once you are able to get to the point of realising that no man can change what God has done, you will be better equipped emotionally and spiritually to handle this matter. If God had intended you and your boyfriend of five years to end up as an item, this wouldn’t have happened. And since He is the only one that has our master plan in His custody, we lack the right to question certain things in life. Your peace is accepting your situation. Nobody can appeal His decision.
Good luck.