I want my crippled boyfriend back…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
Three years ago, the man I truly loved and who was committed to my happiness and well-being was involved in a motor accident that led to a deformity in one of his legs. I couldn’t withstand the sight of him limping. Then it was very conspicuous, I felt embarrassed by his presence. My friends and mother all urged me to leave him for another guy that was also very interested in me.
As a matter of fact, my mother actually drove him away from our house. She told him, she wouldn’t be alive to see her only daughter marry a physically challenged man.
My father was very angry with my mother but there was little he could do because my mother was the head of the home. She made all the rules without seeking the inputs of my father.
We grew up to meet them that way. From an early age, we all knew who is the power base in our home.
My mother also had this set of friends who were always in competition with each other. They were always striving to outdo the other and were constantly putting the other down. I am sure it was one of the reasons my mother supported me to leave him. She didn’t want her friends mocking her when they had at one time or the other openly expressed envy at his good looks as well as generous support of my family.
My father tried to talk me out of ending the relationship. He not only said it was unfair but that posterity will never forgive me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. He was also of the view that his limps would improve with time and that if I truly love him, I should be proud to be by his side.
It was like putting water on the back of a duck because my mother had already concluded everything. She had already gone to his house to warn him off me.
I was too timid to fight my mother who idea of life then beclouded mine.
Four months after, I was married to the other guy in an elaborate wedding ceremony that was the talk of down and the delight of my mother.
But that was as far happiness went in my marriage. The man wasn’t only a brute, but wicked. He concealed his true character from everyone.
Severally, I have slept on the balcony because he won’t allow me into the house. Because of the money and big house involved, my mother refused to accept that I wasn’t happy and that I need to leave before someone got killed.
His attempt one night to suffocate me led to my fighting back. I broke his head with a side stool. It was very tough that night as we both ended in the Police Station. Fortunately, the District Police Officer (DPO) was very understanding and did his best to calm fray nerves.
At the end of the day, he called me privately to leave the house if I wanted to live. He said, from what he observed of my husband, he was beyond reason.
He even asked to speak with my parents.
The issue now is that my first boyfriend is still unmarried and I really want him back. I have tried twice to make him talk to me, but he refused to answer my calls let alone see me.
Please help me. I have discovered my mistake that I shouldn’t have left him. His friends and family have made it clear they don’t want me near him. I have come to realise how much he means to me.
Agatha, help me.
Selina.



Dear Selina,
Would you have considered going back to your ex if your marriage had worked? In his shoes, would you take a man who walked out on you at your most helpless state? Can you imagine the pains, disappointments as well as horror he suffered when you ended the relationship on account of the accident? If you were his sister or mother, would you allow your son to marry your kind of woman?
What has changed between then and now to make you want to go back to him? Has he stopped limping? Would you no longer be embarrassed by his limp when you both go on outing? Do you now have the confidence and love to be by his side at all times?
For how long do you intend to stay before your mother pressures you into another relationship? And have you developed the stamina to withstand your mother’s disregard for your person and feelings?
I don’t think going to your ex should be the first thing to do. There are still several steps for you to take before you can think of going back to him or having another man in your life for that matter.
Your major problem is your mother. Without you addressing the issue of your mother and her attitude, you will never be happy in the choices you end up with in life. She will never tire of meddling in your affairs and will continue to insist things are done her way until you stop her.
One of the ways to get control of your life is to move away from where your mother is. Having been married once, you can stay on your own. If you can relocate to where it won’t be easy for her to come and go when she likes, away from where your progress and choices can be monitored by her friends.
You need the space to discover who you really are; access your ability as a woman and think of what you really want from life. It is also important you review your parents’ marriage as well as your own contribution to your failed marriage.
The fact that your husband was beating you doesn’t make him the sole culprit of your problem filled marriage. He might have his faults as a man and person, but if you are truthful, his temper cannot come without some help from you.
There is no way you would live and grow with your kind of mother without you imbibing one or two things from her. Chances are that you may also have grown to be domineering and disrespectful of the position of your husband. Not every man would be like your father who can endure your kind of mother without reacting violently. A lot of men in your father’s position will fight back to be recognised as the ultimate head of the house.
You may not know it, but you might have exhibited the same attitude of your mother in your home.
The fact that you agreed not to marry your former boyfriend on account of his slight physical challenge underscores your tilt towards your mother’s way of life. If you weren’t so inclined towards the attitude of your mother, you would have resisted her attempts to play games with your life.
This is the time for you to take stock of your person. Make contact with the real you, the person your mother has trained you to be first. This is imperative because even if this other man takes you back, chances are you may still walk away from it all the moment your mother shows up with one reason to leave him.
As you are now, you can never make any man happy until you wrestle yourself from the claws of your mother. Although you didn’t give your age, the fact that you are old enough to marry shows you are a young adult. Therefore take complete charge of your life if you want to be happy with any man.
That you are refusing to tow your mother’s line doesn’t make you a disrespectful child. At a point in life, we become responsible for our actions. Nobody is going to blame your mother anymore for your mistakes; you get blamed for whatever is happening to you.
It is still early days for you to positively chart the pattern of your life.
As for the question of how to help you get your former boyfriend back, it is beyond me because a lot of things are tied to it. The first is the issue of trust. Do you think he can ever trust you again? On the tail of this, is getting married less than four months after you ended the relationship with him. How can you convince him that your husband hasn’t always been on the scene?
Besides, you are still legally married to your husband. The law says you cannot get a divorce until two years after breakdown of a marriage. Do you expect this man, assuming he is willing to take you back, to wait for two years?
There are too many complications already in your life. You will end up hurting any man who comes close to you as you are now.
Trust your life and plans to God. Settle the issue of your current marriage first. You may just discover that once certain things change the man too would change. Remember, you are in this mess because you didn’t think out your plans properly the first time. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Patience is a virtue in life.
Good luck.