My mother got me a social misfit as wife…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I am married, but in all my almost nine years of marriage, I have never for one second enjoyed the marriage. I actually married my wife due to pressure from my mother, who is my mother-in-law’s friend.
Being her only son, I agreed even though we didn’t have anything in common as man and wife.
As a woman, she is dirty, rude, and a nag. In addition, she doesn’t know how to cook. She is also very jealous and doesn’t hesistate to disgrace me whenever she sees me close to any woman. On several occassions she has come to the office to fight me for being close to one particular female colleague or another. I have kept my job despite all the embarrassments from my wife because of my dedication to my job and closeness to the managing director.
I tried to make my mother happy by putting in my best into the marriage, but I simply cannot endure the situation any longer. Funny enough since I got married, I have never been unfaithful to her.
Even my mother at this point is tired of the whole charade my marriage has become. Severally, she has had reason to call my wife after witnessing the way she behaves at home and towards me to counsel her on the need for her to be a good wife and mother to our son.
Her carelessness and wickedness almost cost us the life of our son, which informed my reason for sending him to boarding school.
Sometime last year, I collasped in the office and was rushed to the hospital where it was discovered I have high blood pressure. But for divine intervention I would have died.
Following this development, I have made up my mind to end my marriage and move on with my life. I don’t want to die in my prime. I am just 38 years of age and don’t wish to remain married to a woman who has little or no regard for my person.
Agatha, please help give meaning to my life. I know you will never support a divorce, but if you have been through a terrible marriage like mine you will understand my pains and help restore back my pride as a man.
Desperate Man.


Dear Desperate Man,
Contrary to what you think, I have gone through terrible situations in life, which is why I am able to balance some issues on this page. I have and still carry my fair share of pains, disappointments and tears. But I have also found so much joy in allowing God take charge; this way, I am at peace with my world as well as choices I have to deal with in my every day life.
My experiences have eqaully taught me that life wasn’t designed by God to be easy and fair to mankind. Life is a school and for us to move onto the next stage, we must grow the patience, determination and faith in God to overcome what each stage throws at us.
Life also demands that we take action when necessary. Procastination is man’s worst enemy. Marriage isn’t something we go into to please anybody. You agreed to marry your wife to make your mother happy forgetting that you cannot tie your happiness to someone else’s, not even your mother was worth giving up your entire happiness for.
She had no right to demand that of you especially as her own experiences must have taught her one or two things about the marriage institution.
But it isn’t too late to start all over again. Rather than contemplate leaving her, both of you can sit down to re-negotiate your stay together. Having stayed together for nine years, unquestionably there must be one or two things buried in your seemingly pile of challenges that have kept the marriage going. It goes beyond trying to please your mother.
If it were just a case of you trying to make your mother happy, this marriage wouldn’t have lasted beyond the first two years. Both of you would have since become history.
On the other hand, both of you are not happy together because you have refused to let go of the memories of the reason both of you got married. Until you are able to forgive and forget the grounds for your matrimony, you will never find reasons to enjoy your marriage just as you will always find excuses to blame her for whatever is wrong with the marriage.
It is pointless blaming her for your weakness as a man, your inability to resist your mother’s pressure for you to marry the daughter of her best friend.
The fact that you agreed to be so persuaded underscores that deep down, you feel something for her; you just don’t know what it is that you feel. The only way you can be sure this marriage is over is to take time out to ask yourself what you really hate about it. Does your hatred draw strenght from the fact that your mother forced you into marrying her or from the person you married?
You can only be sure if you sit down to really think about it. If the resentment comes from your mother depriving you of the chance to be your own man, marry the person you like; there is still a chance that once you get past the issue of your antipathy at the role of your mother, you will begin to appreciate the person of your wife as well as the real reason you have stayed with her all these years despite the negative things you claim about her.
The reason for this appraisal is important to your overall well-being in the future. Life has a way of pointing out our mistakes when it is too late. You have to be sure your reasons for wanting to end this marriage are right and not leave room for future regrets.
Knowledge is power. Once you know what and where the problems really are, you would know how to go about either helping your marriage become better or ending it to give yourself peace in life.
Even if you have problems with her person, there are still ways you can get her to become your ideal person. For instance, make the attempt to know why she is the way she is. What gives her pleasure in her dirty and nagging habits? Sometimes frustration can make a woman do things out of character. The comprehension, that you only married her to please your mother and not because you love her is enough to make most women become aggravated. Fighting you, keeping the house dirty and nagging could just be her way of getting you to notice that she is a woman.
A little love as well as attention can really change her into the kind of woman you want. As long as you continue to be embittered by your reasons for marrying her, you will never be able to see past your anger to appreciate her kind of person. It couldn’t have been tea party for her, knowing that the man she married and has a child for, doesn’t even regard her as a person, let alone a woman.
There is no marriage that cannot be put right once the two people involved are determined to make a change for the better. She may not be your ideal woman from the beginning, but may end up being just that if you only give her a chance to feel wanted.
No woman wants to feel inferior or unloved. It can make a sane woman become insane.
The funny thing is that she isn’t the only one suffering. You also are. At 38, if you have started having heart problem, then it is not just time you did something, but also time you are very honest with yourself and issues affecting your life to avoid your health situation becoming worse.
Any action you take without first considering its implication, would boomerang on your life. Marriage is such a tricky venture. What looks so right in the beginning may end up not looking such a wonderful idea later in life.
You may think once you end this marriage, your problems are over, every person or association comes with factory-designed errors. No person is perfect, hence your next wife may turn out to be worse than your current one. Sometimes the grass that appears greener on the other side ends up becoming less attractive when one steps on it.
Before making up your mind finally about your current marriage, call your wife with a view of discussing all outstanding problems in your marriage. Once you are able to talk, agree on some issues, a lot of things would become resolved. Whatever you agree on let it be mutual.
Also learn to pray for God’s assistance always.
Good luck.