My hubby does not refund my money

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Please help me. My husband and I are always having misunderstandings. Anytime I loan him money, he doesn’t like refunding it. He gets very angry when I demand for the money. Even when he promises to pay at the end of the month, he never does.
The latest now is, if I become persistent that he gives me back my money, refusing to be intimidated by his anger, he would eventually give me the money but will end up rejecting my food.
What do I do?
Faith.
Dear Faith,
Be careful and develop the patience to understand the nature of your husband. Marriage goes beyond a man and woman agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is a combination of all the tiny components of life. We are all a puzzle to each other. What makes you happy, may make another person sad. This is why you must take time out to understand and appreciate the nature of your husband properly.
Since it takes two to tango, you must judiciously examine your own weakness too. This is to enable you place your own limitations side by side with your husband’s and know what to avoid to procure peace in your home.
In the first place, you are not the only one with a husband who doesn’t like refunding money collected from his wife. A lot of women before you have learnt to manage such a situation without it affecting their personal relationship with their husbands.
For your husband to refuse food in his house, it means you must have said one or two uncomplimentary things to him on account of the money he collected from you.  The first thing is for you to ensure, you make peace with him; no matter the extent of your anger, he remains the head of your home and your husband. In some ways, he may be feeling humiliated by your attitude as well as the things you say to him in anger. A lot of times, women say a lot of hurtful things to their husbands when angry.
Most men don’t forget these things easily and store them up to justify whatever actions they later decide on.
Ideally, whatever a woman has belongs to her husband. Therefore, you, the money you are getting angry with him over, technically belong to him. If for whatever reason he is refusing to give you back the money, there are always ways women, through the ages, have recovered or made money from their husbands.
No matter how stingy a man is, there are ways a woman can make money from him, no matter how little.
As for the actual money he usually borrows from you, instead of always fighting him over it, ensure you give only the money you can afford not to miss. This way, if he doesn’t give it back to you, you will not make a scene or nag him into giving it to you.
The best way to handle this kind of issue in a marriage is to see it as your own contribution to the home. Whatever happens set aside a small sum of money every month to give him when he asks for assistance from you. That he is a man and your husband doesn’t mean he won’t always need help from you.
You, being the closest to him, become his first point of call. If he was your friend, sibling or a member of your extended family, would you insist on getting back such money? Do you expect him to go outside his home if you have to give him? He is coming to you because he knows you can afford to give him.
Part of the problem here is your refusal to let him know what you can afford to give and what you cannot afford to part with. Most couples have the challenge of discussing the state of their finances with their partners. From what is happening, it is obvious that there is a blank page on your individual finances. Both of you have to sit down to thrash out this knotty issue of how much you each have, what you are both willing to share, as well as what you are keeping for yourselves.
As a woman, you may have freedom to do as you like with all your money but as a wife and mother, wisdom demands that you shift grounds a little to make your home conducive for everyone concerned.
It will also help your home if you make it your business to find out what the real challenges are with your husband’s finances. Something must be wrong somewhere for him to be coming to you at intervals for a loan. As a wife, you should ask if there is an issue he should share with you; let him know you are asking because you are concerned and want to help him all you can.
For all you know, his salary may not be enough to meet his side of the responsibility at home but maybe too proud to tell you anything.
However, your concern may make him open up to you, tell you precisely the situation of his finances as well as areas you can help him.  Unless you make up your mind to confront the issue once and for all, you will continue to feel bad at his apparent refusal to refund your money.
Therefore rather than nag and cause a disharmony in your home, pleasantly encourage him to discuss with you. At this juncture too, you may have to evaluate your own attitude to money.
Granted that his duty is to look after you but we all know that given the global economic meltdown, a lot of women have to step in to help their homes maintain financial equilibrium. It is just a matter of knowing which one would work for your home. Once you both are able to come clear with how much you each make at the end of the month, the next thing you should do is to share responsibilities. If you have done that before now, the discussion will help you determine whether your husband needs more help in meeting up with his responsibilities.  It isn’t always enough to assume he earns a salary, hence has more than enough to play around with. The distribution of his salary may leave him with nothing at the end of the day. Don’t assume he has money and not willing to give it to you. Make the attempt to know what he is going through as a man and your husband.
Then, there are some men who simply don’t see any wrong in not returning money taken from their wives. They are not doing it to spite the woman rather they see such money as an extension of their own money. The woman in this kind of marriage has to learn to make allowances for such a man to avoid constant quarrels at home.
Go to your husband and beg for understanding as well as forgiveness for the way you handled the issue of the money you loaned him. The urgent issue now is getting him interested in eating your food again. There is no way you can discuss the issue at hand without getting past this first. This is because a lot of trust has been damaged. You must be ready to make that sacrifice that will protect your marriage from going down the drain.
Begging him would help make up for some of the things that got him angry. It is only after you have succeeded in getting back in his good books that you should discuss the way forward in your finances.
Also, learn to pray. It makes it easy for couples to take responsibility for their individual actions.
Good luck.