His zeal for me wanes daily

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education.
Recently, he travelled out of the country and has returned.
But since his coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards our relationship and me. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money.
He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about travelling out again.
Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends? I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out during the New Year.
Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together on the day, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend the day together. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, not even to wish me happy New Year on that day.
I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him, but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him on the way he treats me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person.
As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him.
I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him, but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same.
Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all.
Betty.

Dear Betty,
You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge.
Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless, but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life.
There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now.
Your solution lies in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours.
You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. The thing that changes is how people around them feel about them.
To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell or fail to holds the key to your future happiness.
Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him, and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behaviour anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him?
Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is it that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years that he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer tolerate his presence in your life?
I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behaviour, far from it, but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons.
If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends?
Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy the New Year in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends.
No matter how intolerable, you find the behaviour of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him.
For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behaviour against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship.
Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging, cannot do.
If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected now if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school?
And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married?
This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: what do you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. More often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners, especially, for granted.
He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result.
If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immmediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges.
You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude.
Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point.
The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it.
Good luck.