He may drop me for my friend if…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.

I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.

Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.

I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.

Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.

Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.

Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.

A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.

Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.

But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.

Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.

This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.

Blessing.





Dear Blessing,

Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.

Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.

From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.

This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.

Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.

Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.

If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.

Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.

From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.

Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.

If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.

The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.

A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.

In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?

I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.

Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.

Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.

You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.

Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.

All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.

Good luck.