Mum insists I marry Yoruba girl…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.


Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.