Despite her frolicking with married men I still want her

With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am in my 20s in love with a girl I cherish so much. Her dream has always been to be with me and for me to graduate from school. I have graduated while she is yet to secure admission.

After my graduation, we start having problems. For instance, when I travelled, my friend told me he saw her with a married man whose wife went after them to create a scene.

When I got this report, I sent her a text message requesting her to explain what on earth she was doing with a married man.

In her reply to me, she denied the story and accused me of listening to gossips from friends. She then told me it was best we went our different ways because she was fed up with gossips.

When her reply came, I thought it was a joke, because we have both invested too much in the relationship of almost three years to let it go down the drain in that manner.

For a week, I begged her to forgive me for listening to friend and I also made a promise that it would never happen again. She still insisted she was leaving me for good.

I even went to beg her personally over the matter but she insisted on leaving me. I sincerely don’t know what to do again. I know I was wrong in listening to my friends, but I don’t think I deserve this.

I know she has been dating married men all along; we have even quarrelled over it repeatedly but it has not stopped me from falling deeply in love with her.

A lot of people who know her think she is dating these married men because of money, but I don’t think so. Yes, I know the money she gets from them she uses it to buy things for herself, but I disagree with the thinking that she loves money.

Even if it is because of money, I still love her and don’t know how to get her to come back.

Please help me because if the information reaching me were anything to go by, she would soon be leaving for school. I want her back before she leaves for school.

Sweet 16.





Dear Sweet 16,

If you are in the know about her and her married boyfriends, why did you bother about what your friend told you? Why did you have to send her a text message accusing her of a situation you are already aware of?

Indeed, she has every right to be angry with you having put you in the know about the situation from the very beginning. Your anger would have been justified if you didn’t know.

When a man makes up his mind to date a woman like your girlfriend, he must develop the accompanying guts and temperament to manage his feelings as well as the opinion of his friends and family on the matter.

This is because you are the only one with the right reasons regarding the decision to continue with the relationship. You are the one who knows the challenges you have been through with her, is intimate with her other values and understands her reasons for doing what she does.

Frankly, her reason or yours for that matter may not hold water with anyone but the decision to love her or not lies squarely on your shoulders.

Regardless of what others think of her, the honesty behind her telling you is what you should have considered before sending her that text. A lot of girls would have denied doing it, let alone admit it openly to you.

This is why she is angry and refusing to come back to you. She is feeling bad that she has been very sincere with you; you could still listen to gossips about her. She believes that the level of trust between you should have been sufficient for you not to join others in questioning her motives or decisions.

Forget the propriety of her behaviour. You were wrong because you either trust what she tells you or not. Telling you the truth is to give you the sole choice of accepting her as she is or leaving her to live her life the way she pleases.

The choice you took involves learning to trust her words and reasons for loving you. If you focus on her values or what others say about her, you may not have the strength to go. That you have been together for close to three years means there is a special feeling between the two of you, one that requires she in particular take a closer look at her lifestyle vis-à-vis her life generally.

She is still out there because you haven’t been able to summon the courage to confront her reason. She is unwilling to come back to you because you are showing a character, hardness she didn’t know you had.

All these while you allowed her determined the directions of the relationship, due perhaps to fear or guts to protest.

The guts you require to stand by her is, also what you need to take charge. She either submits to your feelings for her or allow you be, so that you can move ahead with your life.

Granted you know all about her, but deep down is that enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want from this woman?

Your reactions to what your friend told you is a warning that you might not be able to continue with her for too long. It brings out the extra emotional stamina you are putting into making it work against all odds.

Doubtless you love her, but this is one classic situation where love isn’t enough. You need more than your feelings for her to carry on.

Before crying over refusal to come back to you, think deeply because this whole thing might simply be a blessing in disguise; to force your eyes opened on critical matters concerning your life since you are approaching a very critical stage in your life.

This is the time for you to begin to take your affairs more seriously. What would you like to change about the relationship if she comes back on her own? Despite your love for her, I am sure there are situations you would like to change about the relationship and her attitude. What if she gets pregnant; would you not from time to time doubt the paternity of the baby especially when the child acts contrary to what you want or expect?

Since the decision to leave was hers, let her be. If she were yours she would come back on your terms and conditions that would put you in charge of the relationship.

You need first to master the act of being a man before talking about relationship. She may not have hidden her weakness from you but a relationship takes more to survive. She has to learn to let go if she truly wants you in her life.

Because your whole life is involved, make the effort of inviting God into your affairs. It is important.

Good luck.