She seems to have ulterior motives…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in need of your candid advice. Please help me.
I am a guy of 32 years in age and have lived and worked in Germany since January 2000.
In January 2010, I came to Nigeria to get married to a lady of 23 years of age who claims to be a virgin.
Before the marriage ceremony, I told my wife-to-be and all those who cared to listen that she won’t be coming to Germany immediately after our wedding. I gave them my reasons.
The lady I married is the younger sister to one of my childhood friends. I loved her dearly but my feelings were fuelled by the relationship that existed between our families. My mother whom I love and respect so much played a vital role in my coming to marry in Nigeria as she told me time and again to come and marry from home.
We did traditional and church aspects of wedding. I postponed the court wedding pending when I am ready to bring her over.
Even though we didn’t date or knew ourselves too well prior to the marriage, I still went ahead to marry her not knowing that she and her family members were hiding their true identities. I trained her in some professional courses and I feel I have been actively playing my role as a husband ever since we married.
But in spite of all these, my wife and her family members are never contented. We spend time talking about our relationship instead of having one. Quarrels and arguments are ever so often. She is stubborn, arrogant, and very difficult to deal with. Her family members are always involved in our case. And most often, they will call me to emphasise on how young, important and special their daughter is to them.
But the real problem began in August last year when my wife moved to Abuja, got a job with a telecommunication company and was living with her elder sister, a divorcee. She kept complaining of how uncomfortable she was in her sister’s home. Being reluctant to rent an apartment for only her in Abuja, I called and pleaded with my uncle who has been very useful to me since I was a kid, to accommodate my wife, he agreed. My wife moved to my uncle’s home and said she was comfortable. She leaves for work in the morning and gets back home in the evening and so on.
On her way to work on this sad morning, she entered a wrong taxi. The guys on board of the taxi confused her to the extend that she went home (my uncle’s home), collected her chequebook, went to the bank and withdrew over N150,000 and went back into the same taxi and was driven to unknown location. The bad guys collected the money, which I paid into her account and asked her to pull off her clothes, which she did including her underpants. But said she was neither raped nor touched, and that they later asked her to put on her clothes and was set free.
Knowing the spiritual implications regarding this incident, I had no option but to inform my relatives including my mother. My mother then called my wife to come home for inquiries, she insisted she was neither raped nor touched. She went back to Abuja and I asked her to resign her work.
A month after that incident, she became ill and was diagnosed of posttraumatic stress disorder. Her brothers called me same day only to accuse my family and I of being responsible for her health condition. I was disturbed and at the same time perplexed by their attitude.
I went ahead to pay her hospital bills, but deep inside me, I knew that my relationship with her siblings was over. After she was discharged from the hospital, she relocated from Abuja. She went to stay with another sister of hers who incidentally is also a divorcee.
Steadily, her character became worse so much so she has completely changed from the woman I married. She has so many family issues that make me feel that my marriage to her shall be characterised by quarrels, argument, anger and sadness. I have no more trust for her and no longer interested in going ahead with the court wedding. Our mothers are no more in good terms, just as I am no longer in good terms with her siblings.
All her four sisters are divorcees. She prefers her siblings’ advice to mine. She told me she wasn’t working in Lagos, I visited her in May this year only to discover she lied. Now it is hard to believe all she told me in the past. Was she raped and decided to hide it from me? Whenever our situation becomes very tense to the extent of falling apart, she goes on her knees crying and pleading for forgiveness.
I am tired.
I just got my German nationality that I have been waiting for. I am supposed to be thinking of coming to Nigeria to conclude the court wedding and bring her over, but that clearly isn’t the case as worries of the unknown are digging at my heart. I am very suspicious of her attitudes now, I feel she and her family got some ulterior motives, and knowing that the laws here favour women makes my worries grow bigger and stronger. I didn’t get her pregnant while in Nigeria because I want my child born in Europe.
I just called her and expressed my lack of interest in continuing the marriage. And as always, she is back on her knees again pleading for forgiveness. She and her family members claim to be good Christians but their attitudes have proved the contrary. I cannot tolerate her anymore.
I desperately need your advice.
Worried Husband.

Dear Worried Husband,
First, I like to say there is no marriage without challenges and that what you are going through is normal to most marriages. The strain in your marriage is more profound because you are both living apart. Had you been around her, your presence would have helped weaned her of her family’s influence. But as it is now, she cannot avoid listening to them, because at 23 she lacks the knowledge and wisdom to allocate her loyalty appropriately.
Be fair to her, at 23, she lacks your kind of experience, doesn’t know how to relate with a husband especially one who isn’t around her. Your absence is making her dependent on her family the more. Don’t also forget the possibility that she may not have planned to marry when she did. For most 23-year olds, exploring the world a little bit and building their careers are what they have in mind. For any person, especially a woman to make her marriage work, she must have prepared herself psychologically. From what you said, it is obvious that she wasn’t planning on getting married when she did.
Like you, her mother may also have put her into it. She needs help to understand that there is world of difference between being a single and married. Frankly, you should have allowed her to stay with your mother. Staying with your mother would have helped prepared her properly for marriage.
However, if there is anybody that should be blamed your mother is, not this girl or her family members, who are only acting out who they have always been. If as you say your mothers were good family friends, there is no way your mother can claim ignorance of the attitude and thinking of your wife’s family.
For whatever reasons, she deliberately ignored these flaws in your in-laws when she encouraged you to marry this girl.
Sit down and ask your mother some questions. Why did she mislead you into marrying this girl with all the issues you are now noticing about the family? She must have known that the family is overbearing and that her four elder sisters are all divorcees. From her relationship with this girl’s mother, she must have known what her attitude is towards money as well as all the other reasons that have been militating against successful marriages of her friend’s daughters.
Your mother and not your wife be blamed for the kind of marriage you are having.
In addition, you also share in the blame. At 32, you must have had a clear picture of the kind of marriage that would work for you. With this comes the knowledge of the kind of woman to support your dreams to come true. Your mother isn’t you, hence would never know, despite giving birth to you, the kind of woman that would fit into your plans for the future. Giving your mother the sole responsibility of choosing a wife for you was a mistake in the first place. Parents can only assist with the right kind of counsel but not to be given the entire job of looking for one’s future partner.
Ideally, if your mother weren’t too involved in the matter, she would have been able to arbitrate positively now that the union faces a hard time. Having compromised herself from the beginning, there is little she can do for you in this matter.
You must act as a man and face the burden of the decision your mother took on your behalf. There will always be issues in marriages. Determination to succeed is what makes the difference in life. You must have the concomitant strength of mind to make this marriage work.
The story she told you may not be a lie. Several ladies who have fallen victims of these kinds of dubious persons have similar stories to tell.
Learn to trust her, as it appears you don’t, from the tone of your mail. You said she claimed to be a virgin: wasn’t she one when you met her? If she was, it wasn’t a claim. For this marriage to work, endeavour to give her the benefit of doubt.
If you have the opportunity of taking her to Germany, do so, but not before discussing the attitude and several demands of her family members. Only a talk premised on a desire to make this marriage work and not to trade blames would work.
In addition, invite God into your marriage and hearts.
Good luck.