Being a single mother makes me sick…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.

Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.

My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.

Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?

Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?

I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.

I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.

I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.

I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?

Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.

Ese



Dear Ese,

There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.

Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.

Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.

Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.

That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.

Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.

But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.

A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.

There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.

This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.

Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.

Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.

You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.

Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.

Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.

If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.

There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.

Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.

Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.

Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.

Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.

Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.

Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.

To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.

We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.

Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.

Good luck.

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