My wife has too many male friends

Marriage Clinic
With Agatha EdoEmail:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

First, I commend you for the time you have devoted to solving problems in some families and relationships through your words of advice and encouragement. Please keep it up. I also want to share my own problems with you before I make a mistake.

I married my wife eight years ago and we are blessed with two children. We have enjoyed peace in our home and never had any serious problems apart from one or two challenges which aren’t too much for our marriage to cope with.

I love my wife so much and I believe she loves me too; though we did not date before we got married.

Now there is one thing she does regularly which irritates me, she is fond of keeping male friends to the extent that she is still in touch with her old boyfriends. She takes their calls any day and any time. If I ask for the identity of the person she is talking to, she would say a friend she recently met on her way to either the market or any place.

She would add that the person knows she is married but doesn’t mind being her friend.

What has pushed me to seek your help is what happened recently. We were in bed around 10:30 p.m. as husband and wife trying to make love when she received a call.

After about 10minutes on the phone, she told me that it was her old boyfriend who called.

At that point, I didn’t say or attempt to do anything again with her. I simply turned my back on her and slept off. Though she has tried to explain to me that there is nothing going on between her and these men, I have advised her many times to stop keeping them but all fell on deaf ears. I am a kind of person that hates to talk too much and my decision now is to divorce her so she can have time to try those her so-called ‘just friends’. Please Agatha help.
Worried Jimoh.

Dear Worried Jimoh,

I appreciate your feelings but what would you prefer? A woman who is very secretive about her friends, who would lie to you about the true identity of those she is speaking with or yours who is very honest?

Divorcing her isn’t a solution to whatever the issue at hand is. You are not the only one involved, you have to consider your children too. Also what would your reason be? That she has male friends? Unlike what many think, divorce isn’t always easy to get. There must be sufficient and convincing grounds before any court or system allows it to fall through.

Her only offence is in the nature of her person. She is one of those people who believe in friendship irrespective of gender and the implications of having so many friends in one’s life. There are some women who prefer the friendship of the opposite sex more than their own gender. Sometimes this preference comes from very bitter experiences or the kind of homes and environments they grew up in.

If she grew up among brothers and male cousins or a neighbourhood dominated by boys, it follows that most of her friends would be members of the opposite sex.

She may, like most serious-minded women, find female company boring and less motivating. These kinds of women find male company challenging and inspiring to their dreams and visions.

That she is telling you without hesitation points at a heart of sincerity and openness. It removes suspicion from the kind of friendship she wants from these people. If she is promiscuous, she won’t come back home to give you clues to the identity of the persons she has relationships with.

The problem with your marriage clearly is not that of infidelity but of you both having a perfect understanding into your different nature. You must both sit down to first discuss your lives before you met and married to give each other a clear picture of where you are coming from before discussing the issue of your togetherness as a couple.

You are having this major problem because you skipped the important stage of dating. Had you gone through the process of dating, you would have noticed this side of her before now. By now, you would have long sorted out the problem. It is never too late to make amends. What you both need is determination as well as sincerity in balancing your nature and individualities. You must accept the fact that she cannot totally change overnight or stop her from keeping a little part of who she is. To attempt to completely conquer her is to change the nature of the person you married.

This is often where the complications in many failed and troubled marriages begin. Being married doesn’t mean a man or woman must change from being the person the spouse fell in love with to what the husband or the wife wants him or her to be.

The word ‘marriage’ draws its strength from being able to manage and tolerate each other’s weaknesses and strengths.

What you should do as the head of the house is not to fight her over these other people she has crowded into her life. That she is willing to keep them as friends means you are not doing enough in that department. You must strive to make yourself her best friend; let her earn your confidence to tell or discuss whatever her fears, problems and joys are with you.

It is only when you have positioned yourself in her life as a trusted friend and confidant that you can demand changes from her. To do this well, you must be able to use all the power of communication effectively. Communication is a powerful tool to the success of every marriage. It goes beyond exchanging pleasantries or conversing; it is a total package that involves all the sense organs God blessed humans with. This is the integration of the body, spirit and soul. Communication is when a partner can tell what the other is thinking or the message he or she is trying to pass on without words.

For her kind of person, it is essential you get to know who her friends are; both the ones in the past and the ones she is just meeting. Observing them together would give you a clue into her person as well as ideas of improving on your own relationship with her. Seeing her talk with her friends would point you to what is missing in your relationship with her.

This would be especially helpful if this habit has been formed from her childhood. Refusing to permit her to associate with these friends totally would be like denying her of everything she has always believed in as well as deleting the totality of her person.

The sacrifices you are willing to put into making her happy is what would make her change willingly. There is no sane woman who would put her marriage on the line for whatever reason especially if the man is trying so hard to make her see reasons without violence.

One thing is certain, she would learn to respect you the more for even trying to make her happy. For the simple reason of wanting you to be happy, she would without any resistance give up her friends. By measuring her happiness, you give her confidence to lean on you completely and make you the centre of her world.

That you have been married for eight years doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about her. Both of you must make the resolve to learn more of each other everyday God gives you.

However, when it comes to the issue of these friends interfering with your intimacy, put your feet down by insisting that it is your time and as such you won’t have her allowing her friends whether old or new meddle; that you don’t have anything against them calling her during the day but when you are around or with her, she should give you your respect.

Ask her how she would feel if you are the one receiving calls at prime time from female friends or an ex-girlfriend? Without you adding another word, it would communicate your feelings to her.

Above all, learn to commit your marriage to the hands of God. He takes care of His own.

Good luck.