Hard telling my osu girl we can’t marry

with Auntie Agatha. email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.

Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.



Dear Larry,

The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.

Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.