Before her inability to hallow my privacy wrecks our marriage

Dear Agatha, 

I recently got married. As a matter of fact my marriage is two months old. Unfortunately, my wife and I are already having a problem which if not solved immediately could become something of a monster in our marriage. I really love my wife as well as the idea of marriage itself. 

The issue has to do with sharing of our space. I have always loved my space. I detest sharing my room with anybody. I am one of those persons who love things kept in apportioned places. I suffer disorientation each time I come back to find someone had tampered with the way I kept my things.

Knowing how irritated I can be and how this attitude of mine had caused major disagreements with me and some of my previous girlfriends as well as my family members, I told my wife before our wedding that we would keep separate rooms at least for the sake of ensuring that I don’t get upset with her.

Although she protested initially but she eventually agreed when I explained the consequences to her. 

However, since marrying her however she has insisted on sharing my room. Unfortunately, she is one of the most disorganised persons I know. Her things don’t have specific place of abode. She can sleep on unmade bed, but I can’t. I could only withstand it for the first week. Thereafter it became something of a problem as well as challenge to me.

When I complained she said I was nagging so I stopped and tried to ignore the situation but it only kept bringing on the irritations. Hence I decided to be sleeping in the guest room at nights.

She still followed me to the room insisting it is either we stay in the same room or nothing.

This is the point we are in. I am not getting enough sleep and rest at home. Rather than grow in love, I am developing resentments for her because of her unwillingness to understand me. 

She is of the opinion that we would grow apart quickly if we don’t share the same room.

Frankly, my cloud of anger is reaching its crescendo and before it does, I want you to help me manage it and tell me how to get her to listen to me. I am not saying we cannot sleep together but that we should have different rooms to keep our things; come together in whichever room we feel like spending the night.

I don’t know how to make her understand me at all. Please help me, I beg you Agatha.

Peter.

Dear Peter, 

Do try to find out her real fears and try to address them one by one. Naturally most young women don’t like maintaining different rooms from their husbands. They fear it would affect their intimacy with their husbands. Some of them are also afraid it would not give them enough control of their husband’s movements as well as knowledge of the people he talks to on phone at nights.

They also think it would give their husbands too much liberty to keep so many things away from them; like the telltale clues which indicate the man may be involved with another woman. 

These are some of the reasons young women like being in the same room with their husbands. 

What you should do is to gently address her fears. Don’t dismiss them. Unlike others before her, she has a right to your space because she is your wife. But for the fact that you aren’t used to sharing your space and very particular about how your things are kept, I agree that it could torpedo your relationship if both of you don’t apply plenty of wisdom.

Explain clearly to her what your fears are if she insists on the two of you sharing a room. Let her know how deep your sentiments run and how it has in the past destroyed your relationships. Assure her of your love as well as make her understand that it is for the sake of this love you are doing everything to protect her from the repercussion of your anger at discovering she has moved your things from where you have kept them.

It is also imperative she understands that you are also willing for the sake of the marriage to amend your ways to accommodate her too. It would be so unfair to expect her to be the one to make all the sacrifices. Like you, she too also had a vision of the kind of marriage and living arrangements she desired in her marriage.

For this reason you must also be willing to let go some of your rigidity at not sharing your space with anybody. The reason we marry is to share our lives, souls and space. There is no marriage if you two cannot share your space. She must infringe on your space and you hers. It is what marital integration is all about. 

Besides, you just must make a change because the children once they start coming cannot, especially at that early stage in life when their tiny hands and curious minds are forever on the look out for something to grab, be restricted.

Babies are no respecter of rules and orders. The things you prize the most are the things that attract them the most. You cannot order a baby learning to crawl or walk from tampering with things. Babies don’t ask to share one’s space they simply impose on it daring anybody to object so they can have the perfect excuse to scream the house down.

If not for the sake of your wife, for the sake of your peace of mind, begin to train yourself for this phase in your life when you would come and find out that your wrist watch or shoes are not where you have kept them or the remote control has been transferred to the trash bin by those tiny hands. There is a limit to how far you can shout on babies or you end up scaring them off you. No matter what your sentiments are, you just must learn how to adapt to having disrupting little hands around the house. 

While for the sake of your young marriage as well as those days you wish to really be alone, you may each keep your things in separate rooms but have a time together, to discuss as a couple, develop a friendship that goes with deep understanding, time to have pillow talks, cuddle, sleep in each other’s arms, wake up at the dead of the night to do what couples do at that time.

Such times are not time to fuse over the disorderliness of the room, the bed-sheets or clothes. Those moments once they come are spontaneous and could be easily lost if one has to migrate into another room. They are moments that bind and build wonderful memories and come about when couples share the bed.

These are moments that give marriage its substance, colour, creed and structure. You will be denying your wife and marriage such golden and valued moments if you insist on only your way. 

I am sure if your wife understands that you would get to sleep together every night in whatever room that appeals to either of you, she would not object. As a matter of fact having two rooms in the house has its appeal, as it would add excitement to your marriage. 

Decorate each room differently to remove boredom from your marriage. Both of you can agree on the colour schemes of the room and the one that would be the escape room once the children begin to come. 

Marriage is a simple matter of applying maturity with exciting ideas aimed at helping it grow. 

To help you understand the issue at sake, ask yourself this important question: what is more important to you now? Is it the presence of your wife in your arms every night or the coldness of a well arranged room? If you are honest with yourself, you will know where the strength of this marriage lies.  

From this early stage commit the marriage to God. Ask Him for wisdom to share your space with your woman as well as the patience to endure the changes marriage brings into our lives.

Good luck.