Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend and I graduated from the same school. He was two years ahead of me. We are both very much in love. We are from the same place; hence I thought it was right him and me to date. One thing led to another and I got pregnant.
As a matter of fact, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was almost four months gone. In the first instance my body didn’t display any of those signs that tell a woman she is pregnant, and because I am not the regular 28-day cycle woman, I didn’t bother when my period didn’t come for three months.
Sometimes, I don’t even have menstrual period for four months and after going repeatedly to my doctor, I have come to accept it as normal with me.
Besides it was the first time I was getting pregnant since I started having my monthly period. When I told him I was carrying his baby, he didn’t hesitate to tell me to keep the baby, and that he would inform his people to kick-start as well as fast-forward our marriage process since the pregnancy was already four months old. In our place, bride price isn’t always paid on a pregnant woman.
On our own, we had already started getting things of our own. I had even started telling my friends about our wedding when my parents called me to send the name of my boyfriend for proper investigations.
Three days after, they called to inform me that we cannot get married and that I should go and abort the pregnancy with immediate effect irrespective of how old it is.
According to them, my boyfriend is an Osu, a group of people considered to be outcasts and forbidden by our traditions to marry freeborn.
For effect, my father, who claims to be a religious leader came all the way from Mbaise to warn me not to disgrace him or disenfranchise him from decent society by marrying into the family of outcasts. He warned that if I didn’t do something about the pregnancy, he would personally remove the child from inside of me through beating. That as his only female child, he would rather die than face the cultural embarrassment of having me marry into an Osu family.
When I tried arguing with him, he actually made good his threat and gave me the beating of my life after which he dragged me to see a doctor colleague of his to terminate the pregnancy. When told that it was not advisable for me to go through it as a result of the delicate positioning of the foetus, he told the doctor that he doesn’t care if I die in the process as long as I don’t give birth to it.
Too shock to comprehend the kind of sentiments and attitude of my father; I decided to play it cool so that he can go back to his base without causing me further emotional problems.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend too has been receiving similar threats from my brother and cousins. They told him to leave me alone else he would regret knowing me.
I am so confused about the whole thing. Although he has given me permission to abort the baby if I want to and go my own way to protect me against the combined attacks of my father, brother and cousins. There is no way I would abort this child or let go of the one man so caring, loving and very dedicated to me.
Efforts by our priest to intervene on the matter have proved abortive. My father has gone beyond the point of reasoning that he doesn’t care who he tells that he would rather die than have me marry my boyfriend.
My mother is at the centre of it all. Despite having a mother’s sympathy for me, she cannot go against the wishes of her husband or her only male child if she doesn’t want to be kicked out of her husband’s life.
Agatha, please what do I do? I cannot abort this child and cannot let go of my man. Some friends have advised we relocate abroad. But my frustration has to do with my boyfriend who thinks we should stay and tackle the situation.
Before I commit suicide over this matter please help me. I am simply too confused to think logically now.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
The first thing is your health and that of the baby. No matter what happens ensure you don’t do anything to jeopardise your health and that of the baby. Irrespective of what your family thinks, that child is innocent and a perfect creation of God. The child represents the image of God and as long as nobody can create the minutest feature in or on that child, nobody has the right to terminate something he or she cannot create.
Your life may not mean anything to your family but your life as well as that of the child inside you means so much to God who in His wisdom knows and still allows this situation to happen. He doesn’t make mistakes.
You and your boyfriend have both made the first mistake, sleeping with each other without finding out your backgrounds as well as your cultural values.
Had both of you done things properly, you won’t be fighting against the tide of cultural values like you are doing now. Frankly, your boyfriend doesn’t have anything to lose; rather you have more than enough to lose. As it is, your life is at stake; that of your unborn baby as well as all the future ahead. There is no way you and your father can ever get back to the same pedestal as you were before. On both sides, trust and friendship have been broken. Because of the role your father and mother are playing in all these, it would take a very long time for you to grow the kind of respect you once had for them. This is why you must avoid making more mistakes that would compromise trust, respect and the peace you both once had.
If you allow the hurt of your parents seemingly betrayal get at you, you may want to behave in a manner that would hurt them the more. For this reason, be matured about what is happening to you. Accept the blame for indiscretion in all these. Always keep this in mind that had you not slept with your boyfriend before marriage or protected yourself against pregnancy, you won’t be facing this challenge at all.
Therefore, as an expectant mother, it is your responsibility to protect the child from any harm. Don’t allow anyone to destroy you and that child, no matter the reason for it. To destroy the life of that child is to provoke the laws of God. That worse than the man made laws your family is protesting against.
While I have no intentions of commenting on whether your father has a right to deny the love between you and your boyfriend on account of one being an outcast, he however lacks the right to make you go through abortion to suit his purpose of remaining relevant within his community.
It is not his right or that of anybody to make you go through that. This is why you must be firm and resolute in ensuring that you take responsibility for the life of this child.
Until your parents and family members simmer-down, there may be the need for you to relocate. Time has a way of breaking down anger and making one reasons differently. As it is now, nothing much would be achieved with all parties more concerned about their image than the things that matter. As his only daughter, you have hurt him by getting pregnant outside wedlock. In a way, he too carries a grudge against you for not doing what is right. If he is religious, his anger may not just be that you are contemplating marriage to those he considers to be outcasts but the fact that you have also compromised him by the act of pregnancy.
It would take sometime for him to really get over the twin disappointment. You are going to be a parent soon. You would soon understand the pains of a parent when a child steps out of line hence your need to remain calm and allow time to heal you all.
As for your boyfriend, don’t get angry with him or express disappointment at his behaviour. He is hurting too, but has decided to give you the chance to decide on what you want. He knows it is the only way you both can be happy. Given the intensity of all the reactions around both of you, there may be the need for you to step down your plans to marry at least until all the parties have plenty of time to think of the consequences on your cultural values.
You in particular must be convinced that you have enough love for your man to endure rejections by your family and friends for a long time, that until such a time your man, children and his family would be more than enough for you.
Be sure you know what you are going into before you do so to avoid making life unbearable for this man you love so much.
Good luck.
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