Decades after my marriage crashed…

Dear Agatha, 

I write you this mail with tears in my eyes. I just need a shoulder to lean on, one to dry my tears. 

Agatha, I am 48 years old. I went through a terrible marriage a long time ago. My ex-husband and I have parted ways more than 18 years ago. He is since remarried. I didn’t remarry not out of attention from men but just didn’t want to have anything to do with men due to my very horrible experiences. I needed time to discover myself and be my own person. I also needed time to define my own rules, establish a personal relationship with myself as well as develop the confidence to face life generally.

I also didn’t want any man maltreating my children. There were one or two relationships I entered into but there was nothing serious.

Sometime two years ago, I however ran into this man, though much older than I am, I fell in love with him instantly. The fact that he was also single endeared him more to me. Being older, I thought he would have all the experiences to conduct a relationship.

I honestly wasn’t prepared for the kind of things he has been subjecting me to. With him there is no telling what he would do next. This minute he is loving, understanding and relaxed. The next he is being very mean. Without any warning, he would withdraw to himself, refuse to pick my calls or respond to my messages. He would only resume talking with me of his own accord. 

It is been so much pains and torture keeping this relationship going. I have endured so far first because I truly love him and secondly to avoid being labelled an impatient person. 

I have tried in every way a woman knows to allay whatever fear he has concerning women generally and me in particular, hence my resolve to be stupidly patient with him. 

However each new day, it dawns on me that he may just be playing with my emotions. This minute he is telling me he loves me and the next minute he is pushing me away from him, treating me as a piece of trash. 

Agatha, I have honestly had enough but something deep inside me keeps telling me to hold on that it shall be well. I am so confused. I can’t discuss this with my children, friends or family. You know certain things are best left unsaid. 

But you are different. I want you to help me because I am currently a wreck. I feel so sorry for myself because ideally at this age, I shouldn’t be looking for a husband but here I am, despite being successful in my own right, the only man I fell in love with is the one who treats me like dirt. It is so painful and don’t understand why God should make me go through this needless pains.

I feel as if my world is collapsing on me. I don’t know what to do. A very large part of me wants me to quit but another part, is urging me to tolerate him that I would eventually come to enjoy this man. Sincerely, Agatha, I love this man with everything inside of me, but given my age and his, when will I have the time to enjoy the joy of a man in my life?

Angel.

Dear Angel, 

I know precisely how you feel. Always remember that no matter what you are passing through, countless number of people have equally passed through it. And that God who gave them that grace to overcome hasn’t vacated His throne. All the time, he deliberately allows us go through some painful experiences to gauge our ability to trust Him and to make us better human beings. At no time did God promise us a problem free life sufficient of His grace to see us through life’s many challenges.

Life generally is a maze; there are always rough bends, frustrating stops, windy and seemingly endless twists and turns but which eventually lead to the finishing line. Trust me, this will one day come to an end no matter the intensity of pains and loneliness you currently feel enveloping you. It may or may not be with him but you will eventually find your happiness irrespective of what your age says. God isn’t limited by the barriers we put on our ways or worried about those things we actually have very little knowledge of. If it is His wish you remarry and have a happy home, don’t allow yourself to be intimidated by his attitude towards you. See him and whatever he is doing to you are one of the many lessons you have to learn in life. If not essentially for yourself but for the sake of those coming behind you, who will at one time or the other have need for your counsel and value of your experiences.

God doesn’t make mistakes; there could also be the need for you to see before you enter into marriage with him, the kind of challenges you are going to face with him.

Having gone through a bad marriage, God knows that He has to prepare you so you don’t end up with another record of a broken home. By allowing this man to deal with you as openly as possible, He is indirectly preparing you for another phase. Perhaps in your early life, you lacked the patience and maturity to deal with marital challenges but this time, considering that you may not have another chance if this one collapses, He is giving you real lessons in wisdom, knowledge and understanding. 

If that tiny section of your mind is urging you to be patient, listen because often than not, that little voice emerges as the right one.

Understandably, everything that he is doing is enough to make you beat a retreat immediately, give up the relationship and to bid good radiance to bad rubbish, but the good things in life do not come easy.

Take the issue of childbirth for instance, labour pains are the worst kinds of pains, nothing as a matter of fact compares to those excruciating pains women feel in the labour room but the joy of holding one’s baby at the end of it all erases memories of such pains.

No woman is intimidated by the pains not to try for another child. That you are going through these emotional pains doesn’t mean you won’t overcome and be happy afterwards. 

Have you ever questioned him on why he keeps treating you the way he is doing? If yes, what are his excuses? Do you think them tenable? Do you in anyway understand some of his fears?

Since the ultimate choice is yours, you just have to decide how much of this kind of treatment you can tolerate. Love or not love, there is always time for retreat when things appear to be getting out of hand. While he is at his game, take some time too to listen to your heart as well as yourself. Create time to talk to God. It is important to know you are still under the plans of God. There is nothing given to God that He doesn’t accomplish. 

Relying on Him implicitly will give you a better understanding of the things going on in your life.

At times when a problem becomes repetitive in one’s life, it might be an indication that there is a deeper issue involved. You may have to look at your foundation for possible clues. Can you recognise a similarity between you and any of your female siblings or relations? If there is, please ask God to help direct you to an anointed servant of His who will help you with deliverance from whatever has been implanted in your foundation to hurt and deny you of marital bliss.

Honestly, some of the things we blame on others are actually issues programmed into our lives by our foundations and since no meaningful development can be done on a faulty foundation, it is always important we tackle problems from the spiritual angles first.

No matter how dark the night gets, it will always give way to the light of a dawn. Don’t worry, this problem will soon expire and you will be able to smile again through the grace of God.

If you live in Lagos, please come over to our corporate headquarters, Independent Newspapers, 7D Wempco Road, Ogba, Lagos, for personal discussions. 

Good luck.