We met on Facebook

Dear Agatha,
I want to thank you for the good work you have been doing. I am 30 years old, a Nigerian but based in Indonesia. 

Please I need your help and advice. I met a girl on Facebook network and ever since, we have both fallen in love with each other. We communicate every day. We have made love through the telephone several times even though we are yet to meet physically. She has sent me her pictures and I have also sent her mine. We are now discussing marriage, but we shall do this formally when I come back to Nigeria by December. Please advise me on what to do.
Uche.

Dear Uche, 

What is your idea of marriage? What do you hope to achieve by marriage and what role do you want it to play in your life as you get older? Importantly, what kind of woman do you have in mind for a wife?

Granted the choice of a woman is yours to make, but the journey towards marriage requires more than you have now. Marriage is a book many people are reading wrongly. From what you have said, you appear only to be interested in the cover of the book and not its contents. If you look beyond the beautiful illustration on its cover and go through all the chapters of the book, you will realise that it is one of the most difficult journeys in life. Contrary to what many people planning marriage think, it goes beyond a man and woman coming together to live under the same roof. It requires much more to make it work. 

In the first place, how much of this woman do you know? What kind of woman do you think would make love on the phone with a man she doesn’t know? Deep in your mind, do you think a woman worthy of becoming your wife should engage in such an act with someone she doesn’t know? What kind of woman do you think engages in telephone conversation with a man she doesn’t know?  Can you in all honesty guarantee such a woman capable of being faithful to you? What do you think her interest is in you? Would she consider a marriage proposal to you if you weren’t living outside the country? 

Marriage is based on trust, selfless sacrifices and a deep understanding. As a man, you need a woman who shares your dream as well as her support to make it work. You need a woman who would be there through thick and thin, to give you unconditional faith in yourself, especially when things are not going your way.

You need a woman who would be more than a partner to you, who would be a good friend, a dependable shoulder to lean on when the deep dark clouds cast their shadows on one’s dream and shine. A woman can make or break a man’s life hence the need for every man to be careful when making the choice of a wife. The fact that she makes love to you on the phone isn’t enough reason to contemplate marriage with her. As a matter of fact, it is the very reason you should exercise some restraints in coming to a conclusion about anything until you have an opportunity to meet her physically. 

Pictures don’t tell the true story about anyone. You cannot know what her temperament is from the picture, how good a woman she is or her moral values. Also you cannot tell from looking at her if she is in love with you or not. 

Drop every plan for marriage until you come to the country. Meet her first to know if you even like the physical person you have been talking to on the phone. In today’s modern world, there is a wide difference between the physical person and the picture image. You may not even like her at all so why make a marriage plan with an image of the person you are yet to meet? It is her you want to marry, not the image in the picture.

There is no hurrying into marriage because it is a journey you are not expected to return from. Once you go into it, the society expects it to be a permanent journey. Being itself shrouded in the mystery of life, anyone going into marriage should avoid taking on more mystery into it. 

Suspend everything until you come. Get to know her. Measure her temperament, find out about her values. Commence friendship with her. Look out of her strong points as well as her weak ones with a view of merging her good and bad sides together. At the end of the day, gauge your findings and find the equilibrium that is suitable for you. Use this visit as exploratory visit to determine the direction you want your future to go. Bad marriages just don’t happen; they are often than not, products of our carelessness, stubbornness and inexperience.   

Besides, one must seek the face of God first before one goes into marriage else you end up with the wrong partner. You must first begin at the feet of God. There is no right time for it but now. Before you come to Nigeria, pray for God’s help as well as direction. Ask Him to lead and direct your steps on the path to go to get the answers you seek once God is on your side, you will meet with success in this journey. 

At this stage, you need patience, wisdom to do the right thing. Don’t make the mistake of relying only on the strength of your emotions because it may not be enough to shield your marriage from the natural elements and warfare that go with any marriage.

Good luck.