Dear Agatha,
I am a lawyer, 31years, third child of the family of five girls and a boy. I met my boyfriend in my 100 level, we were very close that a lot of our mates thought we were headed for the altar.
Although he was a year ahead of me when we started, he had to dropout of school when he discovered the person who helped him with his admission didn’t do a perfect job.
His friend and I were the only ones who knew about this. He didn’t even tell his parents. He was collecting money from his parents under the pretence of being in school. He tried to secure admission again but nothing worked.
When I was in my 300level or thereabout, I called him again to try but he kept telling me he would.
Meanwhile his father who at the time was working with United States’ Embassy in Lagos was nearing his retirement. He was entitled to relocate to the US with his wife and children under the ages 21. The older ones he could file for. Perhaps, he thought this would come earlier; hence he didn’t take the admission thing too serious since he thought he would relocate and begin a new life in the US.
After a while, he completely forgot the admission thing and took to hanging out with friends until they all left for their houses. He was really living life to the full and didn’t think twice about cheating on me. There was a particular girl he dated concurrently for two years. When I found out I was really hurt and disappointed. He begged me not to leave him, promising to drop the girl.
I stayed but vowed to revenge. Looking back, I regretted not leaving him then. I kept reminding him of his admission status and most times, he takes offence and tells me not to disturb him. There was a day he told me to leave him alone and not to disturb him. He however apologised and claimed not to have meant it, but that he just wanted me to stop pestering him about it.
In my 400level, his father was preparing to relocate to the US, I reminded him again and told him it was an opportunity to at least see if he could get money from his father, stay back in Lagos and see what business he could start, especially as people assumed he was in his final year. This infuriated him and asked why I would say that.
Having lied to his father that he had an extra year, his father left him his car. I reminded him again and asked how would he get money to service the car? I graduated and went to law school. I kept asking him to go back to school because I am worried about how he would provide for me as a wife.
He refused until I reported him to his friend. He is now in his first semester Ordinary National Diploma part time in a Lagos Polytechnic. He still has three years to go.
I raised the issue and he said he would wait for his father to send for him and that he would not even need any certificate to travel then. I kept quiet because I didn’t buy this at all.
But I had to lie to my family that he too was serving in the North while I kept begging him to go back to school since I have been deceiving my family from 2001 concerning his education.
My challenge now is that I have been working for the past four years and each day, I meet people. Sincerely, I don’t want to settle down for less than I am, but because of the love I have for him, I have stayed with him. It has gotten to the embarrassing point of people asking when we are going to get married. I have kept lying to them just to protect him.
Last year February, my younger sister got married. Now my youngest sister called me to inform me of her intentions to marry, but that she wanted me to go first.
I dated a guy last year that was ready to marry me, but he frustrated the relationship till I broke up with the guy. It wasn’t the first time he would be doing that to me. Now I don’t even have the nerve to go into any serious relationship.
Once I met a guy and he begins to talk about marriage, I break up with him and begin to date guys who are not serious because this man is so much part of me.
I am under severe pressure to marry. It isn’t as if my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me but I am scared because my salary alone cannot sustain both of us as my salary isn’t even up to N30,000. People think he is a graduate and he can get a job anytime, but I know better.
The impression a lot of people have about me is that I don’t want to marry him because he doesn’t have a job. Some even go to the extent of counselling me that marriage would bring us better luck.
Recently, he asked the father to call me, which he did. He told me to tell my parents to fix a date for our wedding. His father obviously didn’t like the answer I gave him to the effect that his son and I weren’t ready because he hung up on me.
Agatha, we have been dating for 10 years. He is too possessive and thinks I am cheating on him; hence he takes to calling me almost every hour. Like me he is also 31, though I am two months older. There are other guys interested in marrying me. There is one particular one who is so persistent but I am not serious about him. I really wish I broke up with him long ago. The issue is I am very scared. I really want to get married as soon as possible. Please advise me. I want to celebrate my next birthday in my husband’s house.
Worried Lady
Dear Worried Lady,
You and not this man is your own problem. You are the one who constitutes an impediment to your chance of being happy. He isn’t the one driving away the men, you are. He isn’t the one lying to your family and everybody, you are. He isn’t the one allowing his family escape with the impression that he isn’t ready to marry, you are.
He isn’t the one who has forced you to continue to excuse his behaviour, you did. In all these, you are the one to blame for whatever challenges you are going through. So stop looking for excuses where none exists and sit down to ask yourself some soul-searching questions.
Granted you love him but where is all this leading? You claim you don’t want to marry him because you cannot fend for him on your present salary, but you are unwilling to marry any of the suitors who come your way. So what do you want? The thing is for you to make up your mind on what you want first before asking for help. You cannot eat and still have your cake. It is either you make up your mind to stay with him, ignore his inability to go through school or you move on with your life.
Don’t wait until you become desperate, when the suitors begin to dry up before you make up your mind on what direction to sail your ship. At 31, age is gradually not on your side. You are inching as a woman to that age when single women become desperate to marry. Don’t for the sake of a love you appear unable to define, waste your own life?
Already, your family, his family and friends all think you are to blame, the reason you are still single. It is high time you told all of them the truth. It is the only way you can really be free of the burden of your guilt at helping him to tell lie to his family and yours. The only way too, you can openly engage in a relationship with another man without friends and family members asking you embarrassing questions.
You are scared because you don’t know how to face the consequences of the lies you have helped him to tell or what he would do to himself if you expose the truth about him. Frankly, you are not helping him at all to keep this lie because as long as you help him keep it from his family and friends, he would never really be serious with his life.
He will never be the kind of man you want to marry to. You have done your best all these years but the issue is clearly beyond what you can manage alone. This is time you involved his parents in the battle of helping him re-order his life. Your boyfriend he may be, but he isn’t your responsibility. His parents will never forgive you for helping him to destroy his life by keeping this away from him. So also would your parents for not telling them. You have gotten to a point where you have to be cruel to be kind.
Sincerely, there is no way your relationship can move beyond this point with the way things are between the two of you. You have too much resentment against him for you to be free to love him as you once did again.
The issue between the two of you has gone beyond him cheating on you or you on him. It is more a matter of you blaming him for the loss of precious time and what appears to be the death of a dream plan.
You will feel a lot better if the world knows where the problem really is in your relationship. It would make you breathe better and clear your mind up for the task of re-charting your own life given the reality on ground.
If the choice still remains him, at least you would be doing so with a freer mind not one ridden by guilt of the secret of not wanting anybody to know about his aborted education. Then it won’t be a matter of whether he is good enough for me, but that of knowing that without him, you are not complete, hence the need for you to make the required sacrifice for both of you.
And if the choice were for you to end the relationship, it would be because you have gotten to that point where you can no longer cope.
All you need is for you to be very sincere with yourself and people around you.
Good luck.
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