Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and trust you will help me.
I have been having problems getting the girl I am dating to trust me.
The major problem here is the issue of sex. Countless times, we have had problems traceable to sex issues. She says she doesn’t want sex in the relationship but many times, we fall into it and she never objects.
On good number of times, she had been the one initiating the whole thing. She knows exactly how to turn me on and she always goes straight to those spots that cause the greatest arousal. But on every occasion, she ends up accusing me of having no respect for her, of being in the relationship for sex alone.
It hurts me a lot each time this happens because I truly love her and I’m not in the relationship for sex alone.
To make matters worse, she is confiding in a male friend of hers.
I have nothing against her unburdening her heart to her friend, I am only afraid if things continue this way, he might one day start taking advantage of her situation to woo her to his side and probably, even hurt her.
I really need help on how to stop my hormones from wrecking my relationship. I truly love this girl and do not wish to hurt her. I need to know how to be in charge of my hormones and not the hormones being in control of me.
Zeddicus
Dear Zeddicus,
Stop acting the role of a hen-pecked man. Stop feeling guilty for wanting the same thing she wants. If she is serious about not sleeping with you, she won’t allow herself to be locked in a secluded place with you or touch sensitive parts of your body she knows would ignite your passion for her.
What she is doing is called a teasing game. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her action and is instead pushing the blame to you. Since she is always a willing party to it, make her understand that if she has the discipline to insist on you not going the whole way, you would act the gentle man and stop. That she as her own gatekeeper has the final say on whether she wants to be made love to or not.
Insist you can only be blamed if you ignore whatever she says at the vital point but that since she is always receptive to you, you cannot alone take the liability for what she clearly desires.
The only thing you can both import trust into this relationship is for her especially to be very clear on what she wants from you and this relationship. It takes two to tangle. She can claim to want one thing while she does another. If she doesn’t want sex, let her say so and do everything to discourage you from having access to her body and if she wants it, she should be bold enough to be honest about it. The rules of a game are always spelt out and the beginning of it not midway. She cannot cry fowl in a game she is clearly the one breaking all the rules.
For any man to have respect for a woman, she has to first give respect to her body and image. This is the point you should make clear to her; that you love her enough to do her bidding at every point in the relationship. All you need is for her to tell you in actions and words what she wants and you would respect her wish. This would be enough evidence of your love for her.
If you don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her, avoid being in a secluded place with her. Ensure there are people around the two of you when she comes to visit you. The good thing about being an adult is the discipline to resist temptations that come in the way of sex. You must begin to train yourself to decline; this is essential to your self-development as a man.
As for confiding in her friend whatever happens in the relationship, as long as it doesn’t affect your relationship negatively, there is nothing wrong in having a friend to talk to. This man can only take advantage of her if your woman allows herself to be taken advantage of. If she insists on the relationship remaining platonic, even if the man desires her, it would remain so. In both situations, your girlfriend has the ultimate power to decide what she wants and would work for her, not you or this other man.
At this all-important juncture of your relationship, there is the need for you to sit her down to readdress the issue of what she really wants from you and this relationship. To continue to ignore the obvious is to postpone doom’s day. Whether you elect to take the responsibility of the intimacy between the two of you or not the fact remains that she has to make a very sincere choice of her desires.
If she isn’t bold enough to face the truth about her desires, there is no way you can help protect her from your own needs as a man.
By sitting her down, you give the opportunity of re-writing the dos and don’ts rules of your relationship. Your role is to help her face the truth about herself. It is called the T-junction of truth. If she wants sex, let her be bold enough to admit it. She should stop pretending to be who she isn’t. Granted, everywoman now proclaims a sex-free relationship, the truth remains that not everywoman has the self-discipline to abstain from it. At any rate, the fact that she is active with you underscores her need to come out with the truth about herself.
Make it plain to her that you aren’t bothered about the image she is trying to project rather, what you want is the chance for both of you to be happy together as a couple. Assure her that by dropping whatever image she is trying to project of herself, would remove the tension being created by her anytime you both make love and subsequently give both of you the time to study each other as well as move the relationship to the next level.
The earlier both of you tackled this issue the better for both of you, because a time would come when you would begin to resent her attitude and unfair blame of you. Don’t wait, if you love this girl as much as you say, for that time to happen because you may not have the needed patience to listen to whatever excuse or thing she has to say.
Issues are best tackled in a relationship as they come up. Most postponements often than not result in more pains than they would have, if discussed at the onset.
You love her, no doubt, but you have to take a definite stand on this matter if you hope to have a rewarding relationship with each other.
Good luck.
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