Dated for 10 years, mother married her off, now schemes to return…

Dear Agatha, 

My relationship was more than 10 years old before I left Nigeria. Our plan was to marry each other. 

Two years after I came to this country, she called me to inform me of the pressures her family members were putting on her to marry another man. The essence of her call was to have my opinion on the issue. I immediately called her mother to ask why they were trying to make my girlfriend change her mind about me. I assured her of my love for and desire to marry her daughter. Without mincing words, she told me that if I wanted her daughter to wait for me, I should commence the marriage rites by asking my people to come and pay her bride price. 

Unfortunately, things were rough for me that I couldn’t raise any money for her. I kept encouraging her to be patient until my cousin called me to inform me that she has gotten married. I was shocked and feel uncomfortable for some years. During these years I made up my mind that I will not call her and even if I come back to Nigeria, I will not look for her. 

Thank God I found favour in His sight because He blessed me. When I travelled to Nigeria, I asked after her and my cousin told me she has two daughters and that she has been asking after me. To my greatest surprise she called me on phone and I asked how she got my number, she told me that my cousin gave her my number. Thereafter, she started sending me text messages. 

I had to warn her to desist from such an awful act. Later my cousin told me that she plans to divorce her husband and marry me.
Please advise me on what to do because I am confused. I don’t know what next to do. The fact is that I love her so much and yet to meet a girl I love like I love her.
Celestine.

Dear Celestine, 

Don’t be confused about anything concerning this lady because she is off limits to you. The moment she accepted to be the other man’s wife, she ceased to be your business. Granted, you both spent more than 10 years of your lives dating and desiring to marry, there is nothing left for you with her.  The fact that she married someone else shows that God didn’t intend both of you to be an item. God ordains the order of things the way He pleases. You both desired it but failed to reckon with the final plans of God for both of you. If He had, she wouldn’t have married another man and you would have had the money to commence the marriage rites when her mother demanded it of you. That you didn’t, further underscores the truth that you and this woman weren’t meant to be.

So allow the memory of her go and move on with your life.  To look back and contemplate any future with her is to court trouble. Apart from being the wife of another man, she has two young children to look after. These people should be her concern now and not you. Whether she was justified in her action or not isn’t the issue now. Having made her choice let her understand there can never be anything beyond friendship between the two of you. Help her if you feel like helping from a distance but avoid being in her company alone or with this friend of yours who is obviously in subtle support of you both coming together.  You haven’t met another woman to love because you have refused to allow yourself fall in love again. Deep down you are still hurting at the memory of losing her as well as the circumstances in which the whole thing happened. 

You just must let go because that is the only way you can find comfort and peace in another woman. Stop blaming yourself for a situation God long ago took the power of decision away from you or this lady. Accept the fact that at the time you both dated, you came to fulfill a reason of God in your lives. For both of you to have stayed that long together, showed that you were both close and were friends.  God wanted to use your coming together to prepare both of you for your future partners. She must have imparted positively on your life. Draw strength from that relationship by beginning something new with another woman. Your ability to manage the temperament of a woman for that long; shows you have what it takes to make a woman happy.  If she is refusing to allow the training she received from your time together reflect in her life and marriage, don’t make the same mistake in your own life. 

Regrets are only for those who aren’t sensitive to the spirit of God in their lives.  The trick is to take a day at a time. Begin by being friend with the woman you like. Don’t rush anything and don’t make promises until you have asked God to direct your steps this time around. Once God is in it, there is nothing to fear. Lean on God completely.

Good luck.