Can one get pregnant after ovulation?

Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your help. I want to know if I can get pregnant after ovulation. 

Apprehensive Woman

Dear Apprehensive Woman, 

According to my investigations on this subject, yes you can get pregnant after ovulation. It depends on when the egg was released. Ovulation is the release of the mature ovum from the follicle into the fallopian tubes. Ovulation occurs around the 14th day of a regular 28-day menstrual cycle.  Once released, it becomes available to a matured sperm for fertilisation for 12 to 24 hours before it begins to disintegrate. This is the most fertile period of a woman’s cycle and during ovulation her chances of conception are highest.

The time of ovulation is determined by the luteal phase, which is usually between 12 to 16 days in most women. Calculate the time of ovulation within your cycle by subtracting the length of your luteal phase from the length of your cycle. For example, if your cycle is 28 days long and your luteal phase is 12 days long, the ovulation will occur on the 16th day of your cycle. The exact time of ovulation may vary within your cycle even if you have religiously regular menstrual cycles. This is because ovulation can be delayed by a number of factors such as stress, illness, diet, or increased physical activity.

For women who are trying to get pregnant, it is often advised that they should have intercourse before ovulation. This helps in conception since the sperm from the man is deposited into the cervix and as soon as the ovum is released, it has the opportunity to be fertilised but doesn’t limit the woman’s ability to get pregnant after ovulation. However her chances of getting pregnant depend on when she ovulates as well as when she sleeps with her man. Considering the fact that the egg starts to fall to pieces 12 to 24 hours, there is a small chance that sperm can fertilise the egg for a short time after the egg has been released into the fallopian tubes.  Have it in mind that the chances of getting pregnant this way decreases the further away from ovulation a woman is.

Therefore, if you are trying to get pregnant, try to have intercourse anytime near ovulation to increase your chances of getting pregnant. 

It is in your interest to chart your ovulation pattern and monitor your cervical mucus. When it is like pap, you aren’t fertile, but when it has the stretchy-mucus appearance, you are fertile. The mucus presentation of the discharge helps the sperm make the journey quicker to the waiting fertile egg before it begins to expire. It is nature’s way of aiding conception.

To help you under this better, do see your doctor since you would be able to ask him questions on issues you don’t understand or that are clear to you in this write up.

Good luck

Re: My husband can’t get me on for sex

Dear Agatha, 

I am a keen reader of your column and on the above issue. Have you ever heard of the saying that it takes two to tangle? That is what sex is. Unlike all other race and ethnics, African women have allowed our frightening sexual culture to put them in sexual bondage whereby it is believed that it is the duty of man to do all the sexual foreplay while their contribution is to lie back on the bed. 

Most African women are scared to express their sexual desires or even needs to their husbands or boyfriends even in the bedroom. This is an old school (primitive) approach to sex. 

This is why most African women especially the religious ones will live their lives in abject sexual agony, which affects their marriages/relationships. When some consult their pastors or imam or even their trusted friends on their relationships, often than not, these people refuse to give them the right counsel the reality of the matter is that good sex is important in marriages. Some women have been told to pray and fast for a change of heart for their partners. It is a known fact that men, especially African men like sex and only mutual sexual performances can bring happiness to the couple. 

After good food, the other way for a woman to gain straight access into her partner’s heart is good sexual performance. No man appreciates a woman who is dormant in bed. Unfortunately most women down here are no better than logs of wood in the bedroom. Please conduct your research to confirm or refute this observation of mine.

This is just my opinion and I know everyone is entitled to one.                      

Gabriel 

My husband doesn’t grace my bed again…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column, and must start by commending you on the way you proffer detailed solutions to people’s problems.

I am a 35-year-old lady, and married for 10 years. My husband is in his late 40s. The problem I have is that I am not getting sex from my husband. Initially it was erectile dysfunction he had, but later got it corrected with medications and prayers. Now he appears to have lost interest in sex completely. His reasons have always being pressure of work and tiredness. Sometimes, we can go as far as three months without sex. I am a very attractive woman, and I have really worked so hard to maintain my figure and looks even after four children, but still not getting the required attention from my spouse. 

Several times, I have been tempted to seek sexual satisfaction outside my marriage, but the fear of God has always held me back. I do all I am supposed to do as a woman, including initiating sex on several occasions, but I feel cheapened after every episode. On such occasions, he just gets up and tries to penetrate my dry body without the usual foreplay. I have tried to talk with him, but he said I should give him time to get over a lot of pressure from work, and actually gave me the permission to have an affair outside our marriage if I cannot wait.  

Most times I patronise adult film materials and masturbate while watching these films. What do I do to get my man back on track again? I love and enjoy sex, but I am currently not getting it from my marriage. Even the intimacy as man and wife is no more in my marriage all because of work. What should I do Agatha? Should I continue masturbating even when I am married?

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Are you sure this isn’t a reaction to a problem that has existed between the two of you? Something you both refused to talk about let alone tackle with all the seriousness it deserves? Can you think of anything he has kept complaining about you? That particular thing he has kept hammering on since you both got married? How much interest do you have in his work and welfare as his wife? If he says it is his workload that is making him abdicate his responsibility to you as your man, do you think he is telling the truth? Do you in all sincerity have no clue into why he is reacting this way?

You are at the bus stop of telling yourself some basic truth about your relationship with your husband. The solution to this problem isn’t trading of blames, but a wholesome approach.

Giving you the liberty to go outside your home to source of a lover isn’t a position a man who loves and respects the wife would propose or approve. Telling you that is a declaration of his lack of interest in you or the marriage again, which means the issue has gone beyond his refusal to sleep with you.

His declaration points at a very serious and fundamental problem; one which if not tackled first cannot give him in particular the enticement to grace your bed. 

You would therefore be making a very unfortunate mistake by limiting the problem in your marriage to starvation of sex alone. Something must have led both of you to this point. That is what you should try to find out by answering the questions I asked. There is an adage that says for smoke to be visible there must be a fire.

For now, drop the issue of your sexless marriage and concentrate on how to remedy the situation. You are trivialising the issue in this marriage, the reason he says you are free to go for sex elsewhere if that is what you think is the problem. Telling you that is his way of telling you the issue between the two of you transcends the jacket you have given to it. 

This is the time for you to go back in time. What was it like between the two of you in your early years of marriage? Can you in all honestly say you know the man you married? His likes and dislikes; his mental frame of mind as well as his extreme? Do you think he can forgive you anything as well as that which he cannot let go? Is he your friend, the kind that would give the marriage the room to mend its broken walls?

Since marrying how much of your time have you devoted into helping him realise his dream as a man? Beyond trying to look good for him, what kind of support have you given to the growth of the marriage as well as the two of you?

What kind of respect is he getting from you? Do you make him feel like a man or are you more concerned about your looks than the kind of home you have? And what do you know of his past, his taste in women then as well as what matters now to him in a relationship? 

Besides, did you at anytime use the children as excuse to deny him of his rights and closeness to you? Often than not, when we women become mothers, we elevate our children to that special place where our husband ought to occupy. Think deeply, did you make that mistake? If you did, he could be repaying you in your own coins.

It is essential for the complaining party to begin with self-appraisal of his or her contribution to the issue in the marriage when this kind of situation occurs in a marriage. If you have done your best to look trim, beautiful for him and he is still not interested, it means only one thing, what you are concentrating your efforts on isn’t what he is interested in.

You just have to go to him first to apologise for putting extra pressure on him to have sex with you. No matter how much his attitude hurts you, put it aside, there is plenty of time to lovingly reprimand him over his coldness towards you. 

Ask him about his job and how you can help minimise the pressure on him. You may not be able to help him with the work, but you can by giving him the conducive environment at home to relax. Make him his favourite meal and take the extra time to stay up with him while he does the work. You don’t have to talk to him but quietly sit by and watch him work. It is a gradual way of building companionship and friendship into your relationship. It is called a selfless gesture. This time, it won’t be what you want but what makes him happy.

Sincerely, you must strive to bury the “I” mode in your marriage and move to the “we” mode. When you try to live in the shoes of your partner, it is then you can feel what he or she feels. This way, you are able to understand better his or her reasons as well as reactions to a particular issue. If you had tried to put yourself in the shoes of your partner, you would understand his reactions to your constant demands for sex. You would understand that sometimes, there are more important issues in a marriage than sex.

You must also be prepared to bring back some of the memories of your early years, the ones he particularly likes about you. It would help remind him of how important you are to him as well as his responsibilities to you as his woman. 

Buy him gifts to give him that sense of importance as well as the assurance that he is more than a sex machine to you. Even if you suspect him to be having an affair outside the home, still be patient because that is the only way you can win him back and keep your home intact. 

There is always a time of drought in every marriage; when the man or woman experiences middle age crisis. For some men, their sexual drive simply nose-dives. As his wife, you need to be very supportive of him. Sometimes you don’t have to understand what is going on through the mind of your husband to offer the much-needed support to bounce back. 

I appreciate your frustration as well as effects of your sexual hunger, but until you are able to bring your man out of his shell, you simply must learn to be patient. 

Furthermore, there is no issue prayers cannot resolve in a marriage or relationship. No matter how knotty the issue or difficult your husband could be, just go on your knees and pray. God answers! Wise women fight their marital battles on their knees, and not on their knuckles. You won’t win that way.

Don’t go outside your home for sex. It isn’t worth it. Learn to exercise self-control. Won’t you cope if he isn’t in the country? Would you because you crave for sex go outside to have it? Don’t make it appear as if sex is the only reason you got married to this man. Look out for his other qualities; it is the only way to appreciate him and stabilise your home.

Good luck. 

How can I remedy weak erection?

Dear Agatha, 

There is this challenge that has been giving me concern for quite sometimes now. The challenge is, when alone, I get the urge to have sex with a female and I actually experience the usual male sign, but whenever a girl comes along, my body always fails to respond. And when it does once I get to the point of action, it becomes very weak. What do I have to do?

Helpless Boy.

Dear Helpless Boy, 

How old are you? Have you ever had sex before? Is this problem a latest development or one you have been struggling with for sometime now? If you are young, it could be a function of anxiety and excitement at finally having the girl of your dreams right in your arms. A lot of time, the desire to impress a woman does make some men lose their libido. This is especially true of men that are so boastful about their prowess in the bedroom.

If you fall into this category, learn to relax and act naturally. It could be a psychological and unless you take the step of helping your recovery nobody can do it for you because it is an issue of your mind accepting to change from what it has come to accept and what is real.

You just must help yourself change the orientation you currently have of sex and women. Contrary to what most men think, a woman doesn’t need a man to impress her. All she wants is a man who is natural and appreciates her person in the bedroom. Even if a man thinks he is God’s gift to women in the bedroom, he should allow his performance speak for him rather than his mouth. 

There is also nothing to ask a woman for help in the bedroom. Most times quintessence performance comes from maturity and level of partnership a couple put into the act. 

It could also come from acute disappointment. Your imagination of the woman may not be the same with what you see. At every point in time, you must be able to marry imagination with reality. 

In addition you must see the process of lovemaking as a wholesome package and not one you just jump into. You would be helping yourself a great deal if you begin from the basis. This way you help to prepare yourself too for the actual act. 

As a man, you must at all times learn to control yourself when you are with a woman. It is also a matter of concentration. Where does your imagination go to while you are with a woman? Is it that you are too much into the idea of making love with a woman than the act itself? Are you ashamed of the size of your manhood? This could come from something someone said to you. You may not think it is a problem at the time, but right in your sub-consciousness, the remark pops on to unsettle you. At the times you are unable to work yourself up to full performance: can you think of what you are thinking? Are you afraid she may fault your performance or that you may not be able to perform up to her expectations? Honest answers to these questions would help you find out where the actual problem is. Sexual accomplishment comes from honesty.

There is also the need for you to isolate the genesis of this problem especially if you have had some fulfilling moments before now. If this is the case, can you recollect how all these started? Is there something in particular you did or failed to do? Did you suffer an injury at any point in time?

However, if none of this is the case, you may have to consider the spiritual aspect of it. Although, this is always a problem for some people, there is the need for you to seek spiritual help from a pastor. But you must help the pastor zero in on where the problem is coming from. For instance, it could come from a challenge you had with a woman. It could also come from the way you treated a woman or something that has to do with your father. It isn’t normal for a man to exhibit all the features of a full-grown normal man when alone and finds himself wanting when it matters the most. 

A deliverance from whatever power is at play in your life is the only way you can have a normal life, marry and have children. If you have never had it with a woman, because of this issue, please draw the attention of your parents to it in addition to praying for God’s intervention on the matter. 

Good luck. 

He is 12 years older than me

Dear Agatha,
God will continue to bless you for your investment in the emotional lives of people.  I love my boyfriend dearly and he also adores me. He ensures I never lack anything but the problem I am having has to do with his age. He is 12 years older than I am. He also finds it difficult to save. Please advise me as you would your younger sister. 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Is he a married man? If no, what is his history as well as plans for you? What are your own ideas too of an ideal man? Does he give you happiness? Are you always at peace when with him? Are you able to discuss with him, share each other’s thoughts, challenges and plans? Is he caring, understanding, tolerant, selfless, responsible and respectful of your person? Is he loyal, someone you can depend on? Do you have faith in each other and above all are you both friends? Is he mature enough emotionally to deal with a woman in his life? What precisely is it that makes you uncomfortable with his age? Is it the way he dresses or the simple fact that you have it at the back of your mind that he is older than you by 12 years?

These are the real issues and not the age. Granted there could be men in your life younger than he is but are they as caring and responsible? The natural law is for a man to be older than the woman in his life. From time immemorial, women have married older men because they are considered more mature and understanding than younger men who don’t have the patience to deal with a woman. However unless you are definite about what you want, you may not have the extra guts to stay with him.

You must answer the question of who is complaining: you or your friends? Has your reservation got to do with the fact that you think your friend may be mocking your choice of a man; laughing behind you at the age of your man? Or your inability to cope with what you think people are thinking when you see your friends with their younger boyfriends? Are you more concerned about not being able to visit the same places with him that your friends would go with their younger boyfriends? What exactly makes you uncomfortable about the age differences between the two of you? Until you are honestly able, you will continue to make it a problem in your relationship. In your interest, you must first resolve this uneasiness to enable you give unconditionally to this man. Ask yourself what is most important to you: a man who cares passionately about you or one who is young but lacks basic respect and sensitivity to your feelings?

Learn to be very honest with yourself at this critical point because it gets to a stage in our lives when things we thought were important are no longer important. In later years, would you regret your decision to do away with this man simply because he is 12 years older than you are? One is happier when one has learnt the vital lesson of being able patent one’s life to suit one’s nature. Subjecting your own life and choices to the views of others often than not, destroys one’s happiness as well as focus. Be bold enough to live your dreams without apologies to anybody. The world is too fleeting, untrustworthy and unstable to be entrusted with one’s happiness.

Candidly, if this man meets your expectation as a woman, loves you and is caring, don’t make the mistake of ending the relationship; there is no man or woman for that matter who comes complete. What you think isn’t right with this man may be the best feature of the other man.

Learn to place your priority else you would end up with more regrets.

Good luck. 

How do I make her know I love her

Dear Agatha,

I met this girl during my primary school days and became friends during our last days in school. We had a little problem, which nearly cost us our friendship.

 About seven years after, we met each other again and she showed where she stays. I am contemplating visiting her at home but don’t know what to say or present my feelings to her. Can you help me?

Chan

Dear Chan, 

Go to her house and tell her precisely what you feel for her, but first propose friendship and not love. Considering the fact that both of you have been apart for a long time, it is best to begin whatever you have in mind on the platform of friendship.

This is because she may not be exactly the same person you knew then. To prevent something that has the capacity of transiting into something very beautiful, don’t rush anything or assume you know so much about her. By offering her friendship, the chance to catch up on old times gives you and her the chance to get to each other again, find out what has gone out of the two of you and what new things are in. This way, you would be able to know what you are going into as well as the things to avoid in the relationship.

Whatever you both had in the past is a long time. Primary school is where innocence dwells. Both of you are now more mature, focused and real on some issues you both took for granted or simply fantasised about. 

No longer are the birds and bees stories for you. You are grown enough to know that life is an institution of responsibilities and choices. If nothing you now know that falling in love isn’t the boy meets the girl thing alone. You both must take responsibilities for falling in love and be prepared for the choices that follow each action you both take.

Study each other intensely first to prevent regrets. This way, you won’t have to labour too hard to convince her on anything on your first date or subsequent ones. If the chemistry is right and you are comfortable with each other, you won’t even notice when you progress to the next stage of declaring what you each feel for the other. 

Good luck.

I sent my mother-in-law out of my matrimonial home

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless service to countless people out there. I am sure you know only God can pay you because none of us can ever compensate you enough for the time and thoughts you put into other people’s problem.

In the last couple of weeks I have been going through severe headache in my marriage and it is already affecting my relationship with my husband, who thinks I am making a mountain out of molehill.

His mother came some few weeks back to help me with my first-born but the visit is turning out to be a pain in the neck. She is very dirty in every sense of the word. I end up scrubbing the bathroom after she takes her bath, washing the toilet whenever she goes in there. All my pots and kitchen are black due to the way she uses the stove. I dear not entrust her to use of the gas cooker. She is also in the habit of using her cloth to dab the baby’s mouth.

I have tried correcting her on the proper use of these things as well as how to keep them clean but she keeps doing the very things I ask her not to do.

Because of this, I have stopped her from carrying my baby since I cannot vouch for her personal hygiene. I have also refused her going into my kitchen to do anything because of the mess she is making of everything and the effort I put into cleaning the place again.  

As a result, she told her son that she would want to return to the village prompting him to ask if she isn’t happy staying with him. I guess she must have said something to the effect that I wasn’t allowing her carrying the baby because my husband came to ask me why I didn’t want his mother access to the baby. I tried to explain his mother’s dirty nature and how I fear she might infect the baby with avoidable germs. He didn’t take kindly to my remarks and actually accused me of being rude to his mother.

I had actually sent for my mother before this incident happened. When my mother came, he initially didn’t say anything but began to raise dust when it looked like I had invited my mother to come and care for the baby and I. 

This really infuriated him. He said not only did I not discuss my mother’s coming with him but stopped his mother from having anything to do with his child. When I reminded him that the baby is as much mine as well as his, he called me all sorts on unprintable names and told me to ask my mother to leave his house. He also said if I was a good wife, I should have tolerated his mother because it was her first time of leaving the village to come to the city.

Although I have threatened to go with my mother, the truth is I love my husband and don’t want a broken home on my hands. Agatha, please tell me how to make amends because I’m no longer enjoying my home especially as his mother insisted on going back to the village to care for her farm and goats. Since his mother left he has also been keeping late nights and refusing to eat at home.

What can I do to remedy the situation in my home?

Bukky.

Dear Bukky, 

The first thing is to find ways of getting your mother-in-law to come back and telling your mother to go back until the situation in your home improves. You didn’t act well. Being her first time in the city, you should have been more understanding that she wasn’t doing the things you complained of deliberately. If she had never taken her bath in the kind of bathroom you have or used a water system, how do you expect her to adjust without first making a mess of the place? All you needed to have done is to help her to adjust with a little bit of patience.

Rather than tell your mother to come without informing your husband, you should have first raised the issue of his mother’s habits with him before telling your mother to come. 

You acted without respect and consideration for your husband. You neglected to remember that this man in whose house you are in now and with whom you have this child, grew up with that same woman. If she didn’t infest him with any kind of diseases what makes you think your child would be infected? Granted, you may not be comfortable with her hygiene but you should have been more diplomatic in your reactions. 

For instance, rather than allow her go into the kitchen, you could volunteer to be cooking the meals giving the excuse that the gas, which she doesn’t know how to operate is faster and that you too would like to care for her as her daughter. To make sure she doesn’t feel left out, you could invite her to teach you how to cook those special meals your husband grew up eating in the village. 

On the issue of bathroom and its proper usage, it is a simple case of you inviting her to help you scrub your back or massage your body while you are taking your bath. Purposely, keep her in the bathroom with an interesting discussion until you finish. Pour water on the walls to rinse of the soap forms as well as the bathtub if there is one to show how to keep the place tidy after use. Clean the floor with a mop or rag. This way you don’t have to tell her how to do it but show her through your own example how a bathroom is kept clean after a bath. Do this for about two or three days consistently before gently telling her how to clean up after her.

If she agrees to return, turn her visit into fun. Get to know more about the values and culture of your husband, his likes and dislikes. 

Apologise to your husband and his mother. Let her know that you made a mistake by the way you acted and that you are more than ready to make her visit this time around memorable. Your husband is only reacting to the way you treated his mother. Once you make a U-turn, he would forgive you. 

Whatever happens, learn to see your mother-in-law as an extension of the man you love. This way it would be easier to deal with any disappointment you may encounter in her attitude.

Good luck.

Doubt if she can be good partner

Dear Agatha, 

I am engaged to a woman who from observations of her attitude and behaviours would not give me a peaceful home. But the issue is that I love her so much and she does same thing to me too. The question I want to ask is whether I should go ahead to still marry her despite all that flaws I have noticed in her character?

Worried Fiancé.

Dear Worried Fiancé,

Marriage is a journey you go into well prepared. Even though it is a product of sentimental feelings, only reality gives substance to it. It is a journey of determination, sacrifices, understanding, fellowship, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, respect, responsibilities, loyalty and endurance. It is also something one goes into full of wisdom.

Furthermore, a couple must strive to patent its marriage to make it work well. 

A home that lacks peace cannot develop beyond a level. While it is true that it takes two to make a marriage work, the truth is that it takes one very patient partner to make it work. There is no mortgaging peace in the home. If you are determined to marry this woman despite all the issues you have against her behaviour and attitude, you must be ready to be the patient partner. The one who would make the most sacrifices, give the most and who would be ready at all times to look the other way when issues come up in the marriage.  

Do have such elasticity to endure the pains of unconditional sacrifices? This is the kind of sacrifice that demands you at times forget that you head the home simply for peace to reign. 

Sometimes this kind of sacrifice could cost you the friendship of some of your friends and family members who would attribute your attitude to the power of witchcraft by your wife. This is the kind of attitude that would make you enjoy the marriage. One thing is to go into marriage with idealism another, is to go into it with reality. 

You would have no excuse later in future if you come back to begin to complain about this woman because she has been honest with you in displaying who she is to you. Other women would have tried to hide their bad sides, but showing you in details of who she is, gives you the ample opportunity to think properly on your decision to spend the rest of your life with her before going into it. 

Be very honest with yourself, can you cope with all these differences for the rest of your life? Do you have the temperament and maturity to ignore her when she starts misbehaving? Do you have what it takes to step aside and allow her have the centre stage when the need arises?

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Before one can get to the roses, the person must first deal with the sharp thorns of the stem that guard the rose flowers. 

The final decision is yours to make. If you know you have what it takes, go ahead as long as you are able to define the peace you want around her kind of person and not what you think. In life the ultimate decision is always ours to make, God ensured that by giving us the right of freewill. You are the one at the centre of it all, who would wear the shoes and live with the decisions you make today. As long as you have properly thought about it, know that you would find it hard to get a woman to replace her in your life. Whatever her shortcomings are, you would be able to manage them. To help you further, learn to be her best friend. It is always easier to be very accommodative of a friend than a lover. You must learn to do things together as a team. This is the only way for you to be helping yourself find that peace in your choice of a partner.

But if you know, you can’t, don’t bother to go beyond this point because on the long run, you will out of frustration end the marriage.

Move away from her for a while, a holiday to think of what your life would be without her. Pinpoint that special thing in her; let it be in your mind because when the challenges come. It is that special feature about her that would make it easy for you to endure the aspects of her you don’t like. 

The essence of being on your own is the fact that you may not be able to pinpoint precisely what makes her extra-ordinary if you two are together. Such things are best found out when alone, away from the person. You really need to do this for the sake of what you share.

Aside this fact, learn from now that we are all imperfect and that just as she has her own weakness so you have yours. Marriage is a matter of blending our differences to get a wholesome picture. 

It is also pertinent you call her to discuss your fears with her. She may not have had the privilege of being told that what she is doing is bad. Besides unless told by someone close to us, that special person in our lives, we seldom take serious views of other people about us. Confronted with the fear of losing someone she loves so much, she would put in extra effort to change her attitude to a certain degree. It may not be total but her efforts when combined with your resolve to tolerate her would add up to give you the kind of home you want. It may not be precisely what you have in mind but it would be very close to it.

In addition, you must also learn to take the lead in prayers because there is nothing God cannot do.

Good luck. 

He is more interested in my body

Dear Agatha, 

I am 17 years of age. I met my boyfriend when I was 16. He promised to marry me in five years time. He is fond of fondling and sucking my breasts. I love him so much and he claims to love me as well. But I have this fear he is only interested in my breasts. When I tell him such a thing is reserved for married couple, he says he is willing to wait for me. He is through with his studies and promises to marry me once I am ready. He has his own businesses and I know him and his siblings very well. I am in SS. 3.

Joyce. 

Dear Joyce, 

If he loves you, tell him to wait for you. At 17, you are too young and have too much to lose if this thing he is doing to you degenerates to full blown lovemaking. He has graduated; you haven’t even finished secondary school. You still have to go through the university to be ready to settle down.

You may get to the university and discover you don’t have the same kind of feelings you have for him now. There is every possibility that you may discover that the qualities you think you see in him now are not really what you want in the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with; this realization would definitely motivate your need to move on with your life. The decision may not be so easy if you are involved sexually because sex has a way of interfering with sound judgment of a potentially contentious issue in a relationship. Sex, only serves as a useful bond in a well defined relationship like marriage. Until a relationship calumniates in marriage, it is still a promissory note hence the need for a young girl like you whose future is premised on whatever decisions she takes today to be extremely careful.

At 17, the risks of allowing him touch you in your sensitive zones are too much to contemplate. Because your hormones are developing and questing for fulfillment, coupled with the natural inquisitiveness of the youths, you both could get to a point of no return and go into full blown lovemaking. It might just happen when you are most susceptible to getting pregnant. Even though pregnancy is the most touted risk, it is actually the least of the many dangers a woman who engages in premature or unprotected sex could incur. Many girls have had their wombs damaged beyond repairs, weakened their wombs due to repeated abortions, reduced their chances of becoming mothers as a result of this too. Some are not so lucky to be alive to even tell the story of their lives while others end up with one form of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) or the other. The risk is often more heavy on the side of the woman.

There are also some pregnancies a woman would have no choice but keep because they come with severe threat to her own life. How would you feel if at this stage in your life, you get pregnant and have to keep the baby? How would you feel if you have to write your final examinations pregnant? Can you withstand the shame, the stress, disappointment of your parents and friends? How would you feel when you are at home nursing and changing diapers while your friends are going to school and enjoying the freedom and fun of their age? Think of the time you would use in catching up with the people who were once your contemporaries. As a matter of fact, only few lucky women get back on track after such an experience.

Besides, aborting pregnancy in itself is a sin against God. Some women without obvious medical problems simply just cannot conceive again after aborting a pregnancy.

There is no way he would encourage you at this age to keep a pregnancy at this stage of your life.  Your best option is for you to stay away from him. He should allow you grow up, get mature and in a position to make objective decisions concerning your life. That you know his parents, siblings or that he has businesses you know of, is not the issue here; what is the kind of life and future you want for yourself. Any man who has respect for his woman, particularly one as young as you must learn to apply self control at all times. To be able to weather this storm, refuse to be in a lonely place with him. Sincerely, he may desire not to touch you but the temptations of being alone with you could actually make him break his own promise. The chemistry between a man and woman could at times be too potent to handle.

Furthermore, the issue of a man and marriage should not be your concern now. What you should be concentrating on is passing your examinations and completing your education. This way you will put yourself in a good platform to bargain your respect with any man in future. There would be plenty of time for men later in life.

Good luck.

He’s nice, but too old for my liking

Dear Agatha, 

I am 20 years of age and reside in Abuja. Before I gained admission into school, I was working and met this man who declared his love for me. He is actually responsible for my care and stay in school. But the problem is I don’t love him at all, already he is talking about marriage. He is 38 years of age. I don’t know what to do because I am in love with a guy who is 24 years old. 

Please tell me what to do, as I cannot displease myself to please him. 

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

You cannot displease yourself yet you are willing to make him displease himself by paying your schools as well as picking your other bills? 

If you know you have a boyfriend you are in love with, why are you making this man take on your responsibilities and investing his time and emotions on you? Why haven’t you told him to go his way; that you don’t share in the kind of dreams he has for both of you? Why are you accepting all the attention, support and care from him when your mind is given to another man? And do you even know the meaning of love? If you actually claim to love your boyfriend, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make for the sake if the love? Love comes with so much sacrifice. You should be willing to endure discomfort for the sake of love. If you don’t teach yourself now to endure certain situations, when would you learn to do it? What you are doing now is eating and having your cake. You want the comfort the money of the other man can give you and at the same time you want the thrills of the company of your youngish boyfriend. Life doesn’t work like that. Something must give way to something for a wholesome life.

What you are doing isn’t right at all. Even though you haven’t said it in explicit terms, you don’t want him because you consider him deep in your heart to be too old for you. You don’t love him because you think he lacks the excitement your current boyfriend is giving you. Sincerely, what you are doing is akin to defrauding the man of his hard earned money and could actually spell doom for you later in the future. This is because this man is doing this on the understanding you will become his wife. This is a fact you are aware of. He is training you in the university as his wife, to better your lot in life and to take away some pressures from him later in future. At 38, he is under the impression he has reached his final bus stop, hence is holding nothing back to ensure you don’t lack anything.

It would therefore hurt him beyond measure when you finally tell him that all his investment, both financially, emotionally, materially, spiritually are in vain. By then you would not only be hurting him physically but spiritually as well. 

And this is where the problem usually comes in situations like you have created for yourself. Although so many women think there is really nothing to it and often laugh or scoff at the ideal of a spiritual angle to these issues. The fact remains that the spiritual implications are often than not very disastrous for a woman who intentionally leads a man on knowing that she would never marry him. 

It is always better not to begin something you cannot finish, refuse the sponsorship of a man you are not ready to marry. 

To forestall any future pains and plenty of regrets later in life, do yourself a world of good by coming out with the truth concerning your feelings or plans. Let him know now that you cannot marry him because you don’t feel the same thing he feels for you. The worst that can happen is that you would lose his sponsorship and care. It isn’t right for you to allow one man to train you only for you to marry another. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe in his person, you won’t disrespect him by allowing another man to train you. 

Besides have you thought of the implication on your relationship if this boyfriend of yours finds out that you are involved with another man 14 years his senior in age? You are just as capable of losing the trust and love of this young man in the same way you would the care, attention and support of the older man. Whatever happens, please tell him the truth. Make the choice today before it’s too late for you to redeem your image as well as protect yourself against the backlash of what you are doing. Learn to be honest with yourself, it is the only way you can live life without hassles.

Good luck.

Caught her pants down with another man…

Dear Agatha,

Is it a sin against God to divorce a woman caught sleeping with another man?

Chrysogonus.

Dear Chrysogonus, 

Adultery is the only condition given by the Bible for which a man has a legitimate and religious ground to divorce his wife. 

Once a woman is caught, even in the developed countries in the act of adultery, she loses all forms of respect from everybody. Whatever her husband does is deemed justified. 

Even though the Bible and the society decrees divorce, the final decision is the husband’s to make. The man can, out of personal reason, decide to allow the marriage to continue. It all depends on the level of elasticity the couple has been able to build into the marriage as well as good memories. The decision the man takes at the end of the day also depends on maturity and ability to manage the attendant scandal that comes from knowing that another is having an affair with the woman he calls wife. 

Because marriage is a very complex thing, most times defying clear understanding and reasons, when such matters occur, the man at the centre of it all has the final say on what he wants from his marriage. To this end there is no clear-cut answer. The Bible only prescribes it as a reason for divorce, but doesn’t say a man who has the ability to forgive his wife should not over-look this and stay with her. So the final decision of what you do with your wife is yours to make because God has given you the permission to do so.

Good luck. 

Dear David,
If not for the fact that I’m not in Nigeria, I would have assumed my ex wrote this mail because this looks like my story. I know how you feel about your girlfriend. I’m also a 23-year-old lady that started a relationship with a guy seven years ago. I tell you he really loved me and I made him so miserable by refusing to apologise whenever I’m at fault, and I can assure you that I am always the one at fault. I always use the term break-up because I know he wouldn’t take it. Looking back now, I really regret my actions. My advice to you is that if you really love her, please get close to God and pray for her. Don’t be deceived, that’s the only way.  If you marry her like this, you will never be happy. She will have problem in submitting to you. Bad attitudes like the one she has doesn’t stop easily instead, they multiply. 

Only God can put an end to them. My ex prayed for me seriously and God changed my heart and made me realise my empty pride but it was too late. We are now apart but very good friends. Please don’t give your girlfriend the impression that you can’t do without her, I know it’s not easy but you need to accept that God is your only hope and if He takes something good away from you, He can only give you something better. Please go to God, you might be surprised he will tell you to break up the relationship. Do exactly as you are told and see what God will do in her life. Concerned Friend.

Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.

I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life. 

I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.

This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.

Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.

His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty. 

What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man?  These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator. 

What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same. 

If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.

Good luck. 

I want him to join me abroad

Dear Agatha,

Many thanks for your infinite effort in solving problems that have restored many lost souls.

Please I really need your kind advice on a decision that I want to take in my love life. My friends are of the opinion that I would end up disappointed at the end of the day. 

I am so much in love with my boyfriend and willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He is 21years of age while I’m 23years old

We met in Anambra State but he had to leave for Lagos to learn a trade under someone. While we were together in Anambra, he was caring and loving but things changed when he left for Lagos. He didn’t even bother to call me when I was sick. 

In 2009, I was lucky to get to travel and get a job in the United Arab Emirate. Initially when I discussed the prospect of the job and my desire to relocate to that country with him, I got little or no encouragement from me. He dismissed me by asking me to look for something to do with my life. 

Unfortunately for him, his master sent him forth without settling him. I want to bring him to this country so that both of us could be able to start up a better life, which I have promised to him that I will do.

Please tell me if it is this is a wise decision. My friends are of the view that once he settles in, he would forget all about me and begin to date other women. I am totally worn out with confusion. Please help me.

Nekky.

Dear Nekky,

The operative word here is caution. At 21, he isn’t ready for what you have in mind. He still has to plan for his future, establish himself and gain confidence in his ability as a man before he can contemplate marriage. 

Besides, at 21, he hasn’t even started his hunting years as a man. Don’t attempt to cage him by offering him incentives aimed at trapping him into something he is not ready for as well as ill equipped to handle. The young butterfly will always fly, no matter how much you desire to cage it. He still has a lot of catching up to do before he even begins to talk about marriage. Besides, he is yet to gather the maturity to deal with dating a girl two years older than he is. He would always crave for someone younger because for now that is what would keep him excited.

What about his family members and friend? Even if he agrees, have you factored the interest of these groups of people into the whole thing? Be realistic, at 21, he doesn’t have the muscles as well as the total independence to ignore the interest of his family. It would take another decade before he has what it takes to push for marrying an older woman.

The truth is at his age, he cannot function in the role you desire to have him play in your life, which means you would get hurt invariably. If he were older and established, your age differences wouldn’t be a problem at all. But given the tenderness of his age, it might be a little bit difficult for him to manage. In the first instance, you would soon be ready for marriage as a woman. No matter how much you desire this man, a time would come with the pressures from family, friends and your biological clock would push you into considering other options. Furthermore, you would one day get tired of providing for him. As a woman, a time would come when you would begin to resent being the major provider in the home, when you would begin to envy having a man who too would be the one to provide for you as well as make you feel like the woman. 

If you are not careful, you would be the one who would get hurt at the end of the day. If you want to help him and has the ability to, you could because he is your friend and not because you want to use it as a bait to get him to spend the rest of your life with him. 

You could also consider sending some money to him to begin a business. Give him time to grow if you think you have the patience to wait for him to mature into you, but don’t make the mistake of pressurising him because not only does it present you as a desperate woman but also one who lacks the confidence to move on. 

If you are both destined to be together, God in His own way would work things out for you and not you fetching water into a basket. 

Let him be the one to want you and not you doing all the pursuing. He has to want something in you desperately for him to want to make that sort of sacrifice for you. This won’t come from the money or favour you are ready to invest in him but from a deep determination from his end that you are the right kind of woman for him. Therefore, give him the chance to see you as a woman and not a mother figure or his ATM machine. It is only by allowing him work for his money and survival while you give him all the moral support as a woman you can help transform him from a boy to a responsible man.

Good luck.