He is 12 years older than me

Dear Agatha,
God will continue to bless you for your investment in the emotional lives of people.  I love my boyfriend dearly and he also adores me. He ensures I never lack anything but the problem I am having has to do with his age. He is 12 years older than I am. He also finds it difficult to save. Please advise me as you would your younger sister. 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Is he a married man? If no, what is his history as well as plans for you? What are your own ideas too of an ideal man? Does he give you happiness? Are you always at peace when with him? Are you able to discuss with him, share each other’s thoughts, challenges and plans? Is he caring, understanding, tolerant, selfless, responsible and respectful of your person? Is he loyal, someone you can depend on? Do you have faith in each other and above all are you both friends? Is he mature enough emotionally to deal with a woman in his life? What precisely is it that makes you uncomfortable with his age? Is it the way he dresses or the simple fact that you have it at the back of your mind that he is older than you by 12 years?

These are the real issues and not the age. Granted there could be men in your life younger than he is but are they as caring and responsible? The natural law is for a man to be older than the woman in his life. From time immemorial, women have married older men because they are considered more mature and understanding than younger men who don’t have the patience to deal with a woman. However unless you are definite about what you want, you may not have the extra guts to stay with him.

You must answer the question of who is complaining: you or your friends? Has your reservation got to do with the fact that you think your friend may be mocking your choice of a man; laughing behind you at the age of your man? Or your inability to cope with what you think people are thinking when you see your friends with their younger boyfriends? Are you more concerned about not being able to visit the same places with him that your friends would go with their younger boyfriends? What exactly makes you uncomfortable about the age differences between the two of you? Until you are honestly able, you will continue to make it a problem in your relationship. In your interest, you must first resolve this uneasiness to enable you give unconditionally to this man. Ask yourself what is most important to you: a man who cares passionately about you or one who is young but lacks basic respect and sensitivity to your feelings?

Learn to be very honest with yourself at this critical point because it gets to a stage in our lives when things we thought were important are no longer important. In later years, would you regret your decision to do away with this man simply because he is 12 years older than you are? One is happier when one has learnt the vital lesson of being able patent one’s life to suit one’s nature. Subjecting your own life and choices to the views of others often than not, destroys one’s happiness as well as focus. Be bold enough to live your dreams without apologies to anybody. The world is too fleeting, untrustworthy and unstable to be entrusted with one’s happiness.

Candidly, if this man meets your expectation as a woman, loves you and is caring, don’t make the mistake of ending the relationship; there is no man or woman for that matter who comes complete. What you think isn’t right with this man may be the best feature of the other man.

Learn to place your priority else you would end up with more regrets.

Good luck.