I want him to join me abroad

Dear Agatha,

Many thanks for your infinite effort in solving problems that have restored many lost souls.

Please I really need your kind advice on a decision that I want to take in my love life. My friends are of the opinion that I would end up disappointed at the end of the day. 

I am so much in love with my boyfriend and willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He is 21years of age while I’m 23years old

We met in Anambra State but he had to leave for Lagos to learn a trade under someone. While we were together in Anambra, he was caring and loving but things changed when he left for Lagos. He didn’t even bother to call me when I was sick. 

In 2009, I was lucky to get to travel and get a job in the United Arab Emirate. Initially when I discussed the prospect of the job and my desire to relocate to that country with him, I got little or no encouragement from me. He dismissed me by asking me to look for something to do with my life. 

Unfortunately for him, his master sent him forth without settling him. I want to bring him to this country so that both of us could be able to start up a better life, which I have promised to him that I will do.

Please tell me if it is this is a wise decision. My friends are of the view that once he settles in, he would forget all about me and begin to date other women. I am totally worn out with confusion. Please help me.

Nekky.

Dear Nekky,

The operative word here is caution. At 21, he isn’t ready for what you have in mind. He still has to plan for his future, establish himself and gain confidence in his ability as a man before he can contemplate marriage. 

Besides, at 21, he hasn’t even started his hunting years as a man. Don’t attempt to cage him by offering him incentives aimed at trapping him into something he is not ready for as well as ill equipped to handle. The young butterfly will always fly, no matter how much you desire to cage it. He still has a lot of catching up to do before he even begins to talk about marriage. Besides, he is yet to gather the maturity to deal with dating a girl two years older than he is. He would always crave for someone younger because for now that is what would keep him excited.

What about his family members and friend? Even if he agrees, have you factored the interest of these groups of people into the whole thing? Be realistic, at 21, he doesn’t have the muscles as well as the total independence to ignore the interest of his family. It would take another decade before he has what it takes to push for marrying an older woman.

The truth is at his age, he cannot function in the role you desire to have him play in your life, which means you would get hurt invariably. If he were older and established, your age differences wouldn’t be a problem at all. But given the tenderness of his age, it might be a little bit difficult for him to manage. In the first instance, you would soon be ready for marriage as a woman. No matter how much you desire this man, a time would come with the pressures from family, friends and your biological clock would push you into considering other options. Furthermore, you would one day get tired of providing for him. As a woman, a time would come when you would begin to resent being the major provider in the home, when you would begin to envy having a man who too would be the one to provide for you as well as make you feel like the woman. 

If you are not careful, you would be the one who would get hurt at the end of the day. If you want to help him and has the ability to, you could because he is your friend and not because you want to use it as a bait to get him to spend the rest of your life with him. 

You could also consider sending some money to him to begin a business. Give him time to grow if you think you have the patience to wait for him to mature into you, but don’t make the mistake of pressurising him because not only does it present you as a desperate woman but also one who lacks the confidence to move on. 

If you are both destined to be together, God in His own way would work things out for you and not you fetching water into a basket. 

Let him be the one to want you and not you doing all the pursuing. He has to want something in you desperately for him to want to make that sort of sacrifice for you. This won’t come from the money or favour you are ready to invest in him but from a deep determination from his end that you are the right kind of woman for him. Therefore, give him the chance to see you as a woman and not a mother figure or his ATM machine. It is only by allowing him work for his money and survival while you give him all the moral support as a woman you can help transform him from a boy to a responsible man.

Good luck.