Should I Marry A Drug Addict?

Dear Agatha,

The blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ will continue to give you wisdom as you use it to touch the lives of so many people of God.

 I am a 22-year-old undergraduate student of the University of Nigeria, Nsukka.

 There is this man I met when I was in JSS 3. We are from the same village.  He is a businessman at Abuja. To my best knowledge, he loves me with all his heart and gives me all I require. He trained me from SS1 to the level I am now.

The challenges I am facing with him are numerous. Apart from being hot tempered, he doesn’t know God and smokes Indian hemp. Until I saw a butt of Indian hemp wrap under his bed, he has always denied smoking the weed.  

My several attempts to convert him to God have kept creating problems for us. We have a secret covenant that, no matter what, we will remain for each other   He swears to kill me if I ever leave him for another man. When he notices that some suitors were coming, he went to my dad warning him not to give me to any one else he will kill himself and me. He angrily fixed our traditional wedding for Sunday, May 2 this year. I am very confused because many suitors are seeking my hand in marriage but I am afraid, I don’t want to die. 
Should I proceed with the traditional wedding? I don’t know what to do. Guide me, please. 

Ada.

Dear Ada, 

He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. At what point did you notice all these faults in him? Is it now that you are almost graduating with the prospects of a better life than you ever hoped for? When other men who ordinarily wouldn’t have taken notice of you had you stopped your education at the secondary level are now coming for your hand in marriage?

How come you didn’t notice his temper, hemp smoking habit and his lack of closeness to God all these while? While you can claim not to know about his addiction to the weed; there is no way you can claim ignorance about his relationship with God as well as his temper. 

To be candid, you would appear an ingrate if you left this man to marry another man after training you from SSS 1 to the university level. 

Sincerely this is the time for you to be honest about what you really feel for this man. What in the first place made you agree to go out with him and also marry him? Was it love for his person or the quality of his pocket? Would you have stayed with him for that length of time if he wasn’t investing in you financially, paying your fees and picking up your other bills? Beyond the reasons you have given for wanting to balk at your earlier agreement to marry him, what is the real reason? If you are honest enough to admit it to yourself without looking for an excuse to quit, you will be able to make the right decisions. 

The truth is, no matter how much logic is put into making you honour your promise with this man, unless you are willing to, there is nothing anybody can do to make you stay in the relationship. Honestly, it appears you are looking for an excuse to dump this man for someone else and even if he changes from the person you say he is to another person, you will keep finding faults to fulfil your present fantasy.

Perhaps you need time to be alone; to critically appraise what you want for life. Irrespective of the justification of what you are about to do, unless you are prepared to go along with the plans, it won’t work. This man would need your co-operation to be happy in the marriage. For this reason, you must take time off to be alone to properly study your feelings for this man with a view of mapping out the way you think is best for you. 

When you confronted him with the wrapped hemp, what were his reactions? Did he apologise or bluffed his way through? How do you present the case of your dislikes to him? In anger or humility? How have you been trying to convert him? To change someone from a particular way to another way isn’t usually done by force or decree. A lot of your examples must come from your own attitudes and reasoning. You have to provide him with the evidence of positive changes waiting for him through your own behaviour. If you nag, there is no way he would be compelled to come over to your side of the world. You must ensure you reflect the attitude of Jesus Christ in everything you do to lead him all right. Religion is more about faith in the things we don’t see than in what we see. He has to feel something extra special in your person to follow you to Christ. This kind of change too comes from prayers. You have to learn to stand in gap for him through prayers and fasting to get through to his heart. 

However, you should be guided by fairness and sincerity for you to be happy with what you end up with. One thing is clear, this man must feel something appreciable for you to have taken the risk to train you through senior secondary school and the university. You aren’t his responsibility and he has no reason to have done what he did if his intentions for you weren’t honourable. Whatever you do, always remember this. 

If your decision is to leave him on account of his dependence on hemp, be bold and honest to say so.  

Whatever decision you take, ensure it is the truth because that is what would save you from whatever repercussions that follow a wrongly motivated decision.

Good luck. 

My Wife Is Only Good In Bed

Dear Agatha, 

Are all marriages like mine? My marriage is just three years old and already I am fed up and want to call it quits. It has been hell on earth for me.

I simply can’t reconcile the woman who today lives in my house with the same woman I married three years ago. They are worlds apart. The one I married was docile, hardly able to say anything in her defense, always willing to do anything to please me while the woman who today stays in my house is a monster, ready to devour at the slightest opportunity, very aggressive and rude. 

In addition, she is lazy, aggressive, dirty, uncultured and a lousy cook. The only place she excels is in the bedroom. 

Because I married very late, 38, I have done everything to overlook all her excesses but nothing seems to be working and she is getting worse each day. Can you imagine since giving birth to our son, she has refused to resume or engage in any kind of business? Despite being able to afford the luxury of picking up all the bills of my family, I never bargained for a fulltime housewife. I am one of those men who believe that a woman should be engaged in one kind of business or the other. What is the essence of a woman’s education if she is going to waste it as a fulltime housewife? 

I have offered to set her up in business to ensure she has her own money because life is full of the unexpected. Once I asked her what she would do if something terrible happens to me, she told me without batting her eyelid, that she would simply look for another man with enough money to care for her and marry.

When I asked what would happen to the children, she said, she would pass them over to my siblings as she has no intentions of foisting them on another man.

I didn’t say anything but kept quiet as a result of shock and anger. Beyond these feelings, I also gained something important; to invest separately for the children we plan to have together. I immediately changed my documents to reflect my son as being my next of kin as well as transferred all the property I have to my son.

Even though we have a maid, I expect my meals to be made by her, especially as she is always at home. I expect her to also wash my underwear. The maid not only does these things but also washes her own underwear, including her menstrual pants. I didn’t know how bad her laziness was until recently when the maid came into our bathroom to collect the dirty clothes including the bloodstained pants she left in the wash hand basin. 

I had to personally retrieve them from the maid who told me she didn’t mind since it wasn’t the first time she would be made to wash my wife’s blood stained pants. I felt humiliated! When I questioned her on why she would allow the maid wash her blood stained pants, she not only told me it wasn’t any business of mine but also accused me of supporting the maid to disrespect her position as the woman of the house. 

Agatha, I can go on and on. Any attempt to correct her brings problems between us. These days, I derive more joy staying out with my friends. I have been resisting getting involved in an extra marital affair but her attitude is pushing me towards it. I prayed for a peaceful home, caring and understanding wife but I don’t know how I managed to end up with this monster.

I really do not know what I expect from you but writing you is my way of unburdening myself of this sad story which only closest friends and my elder sister are aware of. I am afraid of letting go of my temper. I really don’t want to do anything I might regret later, especially as I have a son to think of. 

Agonizing Husband. 

Dear Agonizing Husband, 

There is no perfect marriage but undiluted passion to make it work at all cost. Many women are like your wife, with razor sharp tongue that can slice through a rock. It is the nature of women to sometimes talk and act without thinking of the consequences or implications of their actions. Taking what she said too serious may make you begin to impute secondary reasons to her behaviour or come to conclusions far different from what she had in mind when she made those statements. So it is always best you don’t even begin to attempt the interpretations for the sake of not only your sanity but the well-being of the marriage.

Most men too have learnt to ignore such women by taking no notice of those things women say when angry or in one of their many inexplicable moods. This is because those men who have ignorantly taken to heart these words women utter when angry end up taking decisions they later come to regret. Move closer to older men, the ones with the experiences of dealing with women for a long time and they will tell you that any man who wants to live long and be happy in life must learn to accommodate very early in his married life the unexpected nature of the woman. 

Trust me, overtime you will develop the thick skin to cope with her acidic tongue. It is the only way to render her poisonous venom ineffective. When a man develops the wisdom to either walk away or ignore a rampaging woman, spoiling for a fight, she deflates.

She could even get angrier for being ignored but after a while, especially when the children start coming, she would learn to curb her utterances for her not to lose the support and respect of her children. If there is something a majority of women secretly fear it is the reproof of their children. Women like having their children on their side so are always careful of what they say or do to their husbands when these children are growing up.

You can bet that over time, she would learn to be more diplomatic in her attitude towards you. 

As for her other irritating habits, changing her would require extra patience on your side. There is no situation in life which patience and tolerance cannot defeat. Sometimes this may bother on stupidity but when one has the passion for something no price is too much to pay for it. 

Devote time to teaching her how you want things to be around you. Some weekends that you have the time, get up and lead the way on how you think the house should be kept clean. Stop the house-help from washing your underwear or hers for that matter. By learning to do it yourself in her presence would motivate her after a while to do it herself. There are some situations, shouting, quarrelling and hot exchange of words would not change but which a seeming stupid act of patience can achieve effortlessly. It is not her duty alone to make the marriage work. You also have a major role at filling the gaps in areas you have noticed some weakness or cracks. 

Your duty as the man goes beyond pointing out her faults. What about yours? Like her, you also have yours. It would be beneficial to both of you if you sat her down to talk about your own faults as well as the real reasons she changed from the loving lady to the monster in your home now. 

The change is too dramatic not to have a strong reason. You may not know how much your attitude influenced this change but asking her would help you know as well as the areas to make amends. 

Do whatever it takes to make this marriage work because out there are more dangerous and worse women. 

As for her refusal to work, let her be, especially if you both didn’t discuss it before getting married. She may just be one of those women who simply don’t like to work. Someone people are like that. To them being a wife and mother is enough for them; insisting she does anything else may break your home. Just make sure you invest wisely to insure the future of the children.

Whatever happens, be determined to make it work. I am sure there are days you feel really happy with her; not all these three years are made up of bad memories. Since you have a good love life, it is a starting point for both of you to re-position your marriage.

Don’t forget the power of prayer. Always pray for God’s wisdom and patience when things are really bad. With time, things will work out if only you are both willing to learn from all that is happening to your marriage. There is always a lesson somewhere in whatever happens to us in life.

Good luck.

At 25, Friends Think I’m Odd Coping With Girl

Dear Agatha,

I want to commend you on the good work you are doing. Indeed, you are God sent!

I met a girl I liked in school during my re-sit exams and we became friends, but have both graduated now. During the association, I realised I wasn’t emotionally matured at 25, but decided to wait until I resolved the problem before stepping-up the friendship. I feel miserable about it though we are still friends. Please what do I do? I am uncomfortable even with the few male and female friends I have, as some of them think I’m ignorant.

Also, I’m confused about making my choice of a career between becoming a lawyer and a doctor. I want to become what God has destined me to be and to be happy in life but don’t know how to discern God’s voice in this situation.

Chiedu.

Dear Chiedu, 

The first step to success in life is to learn to accept the person you are. Don’t ever apologise to anybody for who you are. God in His all-knowing wisdom has a reason for making you the way you are. To apologise or allow yourself to be affected by what others think about you is to question the supremacy of God in all things. 

Resist the temptation of seeing yourself in the eyes of others or attempts by others to put you down. Everybody can’t be outgoing type. As long as your peculiarity doesn’t bother on wickedness, you must always keep a part of you, because that is what makes you unique and appealing to those who love you. 

There is no way you can have a mass appeal, not even those who are outgoing have that kind of support. There will always be people who think you are odd or don’t fit into their kind of persons. To be bothered about the opinion of these kinds of people is to waste valuable time on issues that will not add value to your life. 

The secret to dealing with this kind of situation is to look for people whose minds are broad enough to appreciate the uniqueness embedded in every man. These are the kinds of people who can help you grow and also give you the space to be yourself. 

You don’t need a large wagon of friends to make the difference in life. Friendship is more about quality than quantity. Friends don’t criticise each other, they protect. Anyone who thinks you are odd isn’t a friend. Do away with that person to avoid regrets. 

You are specifically made to the glory of His name, so liberate your mind from whatever anybody thinks and relax, because life is too short to dwell on issues that are not positively inspire. What is important now is to go closer to God to find out His purpose for you so you can dedicate the rest of your life, pleasing Him. Believe me it is the only way to tap into His fountain of unlimited supplies and mercies.

It is also important too that you keep this in mind; being ignorant isn’t a crime but to be stupid is. Some people think they have all the answers only to find out later that they have been stupid all along. 

As for the girl, since you are already friends, why not fill her in on your feelings for her? At 25, you are not too young to have a relationship as long as you know the things that are important to you. Let her know you have a goal and would at all times need her support to achieve it. Telling her about your plans, as well as the things you want to avoid now in the relationship will go a long way in helping you both gauge your levels of compatibility, friendship and perseverance. Don’t forget that the success of the future you plan would depend on you having the right kind of woman by your side, hence absolutely important to any man to factor his kind of woman into his future plan. It is often a huge mistake, one many men make ignorantly to plan first before looking for the woman to spend the rest of their lives with. The right woman should form the foundation of whatever it is you are hoping to achieve later in life because the wrong kind of woman could make nonsense of everything. 

What subjects are you best at? Are you a science or arts student? Are you good in all the subjects? Deep down, what is your passion? Do you get chilled at the sight of blood or think it is exciting to see how the human body and organs work well? Are you enthralled like I once was by the wig and solemnity of the bar? God gave each of us our unique talent. If you devote more time to studying who you are, and you will know which of the professions would give you the best fulfillment. However, it always help to go back to God in prayers so that your profession would become your hobby, something you simply cannot stop doing, because of the amount of joy you get from it. 

Good luck. 

Don’t Know What Girls Mean By ‘God Fearing Man’

Dear Agatha,

Well done for the good counselling you are giving to people. Even though, I sincerely believe that you need to use this great opportunity and avenue to draw people back and more to Biblical standards, and hence to God through Christ Jesus. Most, of these problems they keep telling you have already been solved in the Holy Scripture, The Bible. Moreover we are in the last days, rapture can take place any time now, you know. 

Before I conclude I need to get your view concerning an issue, which is, what do women really want? Every one of them says she needs a God fearing man, as the number one quality in a desired mate. But, when it comes to the real fear of God, according to the unadulterated standards of the Bible, like: 

• One must be saved (salvation) and experiences the transformation that makes one hate sin (being born again). 

• Believers (Christians) should not marry unbelievers. 1Corinthians7:39 ‘Only in the Lord’, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. 

• No partying (revelries) – Galatians 5:21, 1 Peter 4:3. 

 • No efffeminism / minism (i.e. no wearing of trousers by women, wearing of earrings by men, etc), Deuteronomy 5:22, 1Corinthians 6:9 KJV. 

• Show godliness inside out (no near nakedness and provocative dressings); Luke 6:45, 1Timothy 2:9-10. 

• Wonderfully, fearfully, marvellously, hence completely made, so no enhancement like weave-on, wigs, hair extensions, nail paint, lipstick Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 30:22. 

• No alcohol, cigar, cigarette, and Indian hemp e.t.c., Leviticus 10:9-10, Proverbs 20:11. 

• No love and craze for money, Proverbs 28: 20, 22, 1Timothy 6: 9-10. 

• Be an active member of a Bible believing church, Acts 2: 42, 1John 1:7. 

• No disobeying the Bible, no sin, no fornicating, adultery, touching a woman e.t.c, 1Corinthians 7:1, Galatians 5:19-21. 

And many more of such, they start complaining, shouting, pointing fingers, finally they chicken out and sneak out. What then is God fear mean to woman? A brother with the above mentioned believes is a no go area to a lot of women who are looking for good guys and God fearing men. What then is being God fearing?                

Bro Colin Aduah. 

Dear Bro. Colin Aduah, 

Being God fearing goes more than abiding by all that have been written. It is about being at peace with God and man as well as giving respect to the feelings of the other person. Who is a Christian and who is a born again? Can a house divided against itself and stand? The heart of man is in the hands of God, who sees all things.

Many a time, some people become obnoxious about their views to the extent they fail to see the qualities God Himself invested in the other person. God isn’t one to cause confusion among His children. Many Christians have today become Christians of doctrines, refusing to see anything good in any other person and always out to criticise and judge.

Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself said we should not judge to avoid being judged by God Himself. The Bible is also specific on the place of Wisdom in our relationship with God and people around us. If a man who wants a woman sees nothing good in her, always out to frustrate her efforts, reminds her of her mistakes rather than lovingly teach her the essence of Jesus coming, which in itself is entrenched in love and sacrifice, of what use is such a man to the woman?

The average woman wants to be appreciated, loved and supported by her man but in a situation where the Bible is used by the man interested in her as a weapon of condemnation rather than a shield of defence, protection, love, mercy, favour, grace and a signpost to the person of the awesomeness of God, then it goes without saying that such a relationship wouldn’t work. It is this very attitude of insensitivity that is causing problems among the body of Christ, when doctrines are put high and above the teachings of Christ, when condemnation takes over from patience and selfless, when God’s wisdom are neglected for self-righteousness. If we are all to go before God the way we are, none of us will withstand the fury and guilty verdict of God. We are all here because of the grace His blood offers.

To appreciate the other person more, a lot of us have to learn to extent this grace to our loved ones to change. Change isn’t something that is enforced, but gently negotiated.

When a woman demands for a God fearing one, she is not looking for perfection or a saint but a man who knows what it is like to make mistakes, fall and rise to the glory of God. She is looking for a man whose heart is in tune with God, who is patient, selfless, loving, caring, understanding, loyal and above all her friend. Who will in love correct her and not one who is forever pointing out her faults? She is looking for one who knows laws were made for man and not man for the laws and that God in His infinite wisdom has not made us slaves to the law, but freeborn to exercise the laws to the glory of His name. 

A woman wants a man who will first of all treat her as human being who has the powers to think and make wise decisions and not one who has to wait to be given orders before she can move. She wants a man who will always be there for her and not one who is full of doctrines and lacking in knowledge of what it is like to be a friend and partner as well as the real fear of God in his heart. There is a huge line of difference between having real fear of God and doctrinal fear of God. Real fear comes from knowledge borne out of a personal relationship with God as opposed to that fear premised on doctrines without the naked experience of the nature and person of God. The man who has the real fear of God is the kind of man who has the heart that appeals to the woman because his actions would be guided by wisdom and knowledge of God.

On not using this page to draw people to Biblical Standards, I don’t know what you mean by that, but one thing you should appreciate is, this page isn’t religious. I deal with both Christians and none Christians alike. I also deal with those who don’t belong to any of the major religions. 

I try my best to be fair to my conscience in line with my faith in Jesus by striving to be balanced in my submissions to all those who entrust me with the aches of their hearts. 

Good luck. 

How Do I Avoid Women Forever?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your concern towards people’s problems. To be frank, I don’t want any girl in my life for now because many girls have hurt me beyond measure. 

The question I want to ask now is whether it is possible for me to avoid women completely? 

Okey.

Dear Okey, 

Hearts are meant to be broken, but also to be mended. There is hardly an adult heart that hasn’t gone through the process of disappointments, pains and rejections. These are what toughens a heart, gives it character, history and values. 

The process of dating is a game, one which one either emerges as the victor or the loser. When one loses, good wisdom demands you move on, take stock of your mistakes with the view of avoiding those mistakes in a subsequent relationship. 

God created us to exist in pairs, and unless you are sworn to celibacy, there is no way you can avoid women. 

The issue here is not the women, but the kinds you seem to be attracted to. What kind of women appeal to you? What kind of woman do you think have the power and qualities to keep you happy? Chances are your choice of women is the one bringing you so much disappointment. There is no way you will not be having the same problems with these women if they all have the same qualities.

Therefore, to help you come out of these disappointments, there is the need for you to go after a different kind of woman, very dissimilar to the ones you are used to. To achieve this, look beyond what she looks like on the outside to what she is in the inside; look for her strength of character, her person and passion. A woman beautiful inside will always be considerate, never deliberately hurt her partner, avoid what makes the partner unhappy and will always put the interest of her partner first before her own.

Unfortunately, it takes more than a passing interest to recognise this kind of woman, it takes dedication on the part of the man to discover the hidden qualities of this woman. To meet this kind of woman requires you begin by offering her friendship. This way you offer yourself the rare opportunity of seeing and knowing her as a person before going into a relationship with her. 

Friendships enable a couple to begin without the pressure of trying to impress at all cost. When a woman knows the man is seizing her up for a relationship, there is the tendency for her to hide her true nature, but in a friendship, she is relaxed enough to reveal her true nature. 

By the time you know what actually gives you happiness in a woman, you will be more than ready to forget all the pains of your previous mistakes and give yourself the chance to make the right choice.

Good luck. 

Essentials Of Marriage For Born-again Couple, Please…

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed and encouraged by your pieces of advice to people. I really commend you for the great job. God bless you as you keep it up. 

But please pardon me. I want to know if you are a born again. And as a young man aspiring to marry, I want to know the most important thing in marriage.

Curious Man.

Dear Curious Man, 

On the issue of being born again, I want to say this, I have a very close relationship with God, one that makes me want to submit to His will at all times. Even though I slip occasionally, I know His grace is sufficient to see me through, and that my rough edges are daily undergoing His fine-tuning.

I say this because I know that being born again has become more a religious fashion than a real attempt at establishing a lifetime relationship with one in control of heaven and earth. The most important thing about marriage remains one’s conviction to stay married no matter the circumstances of the marriage. 

From this early, get prepared for any eventuality you may find yourself in when you get married, because marriage has a way of turning out to be very different from what we thought it to be. Unlike the distant image of perfection we have of marriage, it is often windy, steeply, turbulent, traumatic, disappointing and above all plenty of sacrifices as well as adjustments to ensure its survival.

Unlike the bread and butter image we have of it, marriage is more like a bitter-leaf experience. It takes plenty of tolerance, dedication and hard work to get to its sweet end. 

That you love a person doesn’t mean that person is incapable of hurting or causing you pains. This is one thing you must always have at the back of your mind. The one who today appears to be perfect for you could after marriage turn out to be a monster, just as you are capable of changing from all the good things to bad things. These changes are often not planned for. There are a lot of stresses in marriage capable of causing these dramatic changes in one’s thinking and attitudes. 

The thing is when these things come, they should be treated as subjects, not as major problems. Usually the solution to every challenge in life is the perception we have of it. The label we give it often than not influences the results we get. If given a label of impossibility, it ends up remaining irresolvable, no matter what others around say or do to help the situation.

Therefore, for you to have a happy marriage, have a broad mind, one, which will enable you give every problem its proper categorisation with a view of sorting it out amicably. Failure to compartmentalise a problem, deal and trash it before it gets infested with viruses will only at the end of the day slow down whatever efforts you and your partner are making in other areas to grow and stabilise the union. This is where the Bible’s principle comes in to never allow any issue goes beyond the dusk of that day. Having agreed to spend the rest of your lives together, you both must have the necessary commitment and boldness to confront any issue head-on.  

Another thing that must be appreciated for a marriage to work well is the differences in our persons. Before being part of a couple, you are first a human being, one whose ways of life is set along certain lines as a result of the cultural, social, moral and religious values of the family one emerges from. Knowing that these differences have to be accommodated at every point in time is one of the keys to the success of marriage. These differences are meant to give a relationship or marriage its unique character, hence wise couple have learnt to weave them together to their advantage. 

Also, you must learn the act of being faithful now. It is imperative to the success of a couple’s stay together. There is no way your wife would respect and trust you if you are constantly caught with other women or known to be a liar. Over time, you risk losing your leadership role as the head of the house due to persistent acrimony between you and your wife over unfulfilled promises resulting from infidelity. 

You must at all time see your mate as your best friend, one who has your best interest at heart hence must know everything, including money matters. For this reason, when looking for a life partner, care should be taken to look beyond the physical beauty of that person to what the person has within. The inside qualities are the things that give a person the strength of character to make positive changes in his or her environment. This is what envelops the commitment aspect of any one.

Above all, marriage is tolerance, sacrifices, endurance, patience, understanding, faith, loyalty, mutual respect and responsibility. A marriage laced with suspicions lacks the right foundation to stand the test of time. 

Good luck. 

Is Age A Barrier To Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with this girl in my workplace. Our relationship is about four months old. In December last year, I went to her place to meet with her family while I took her in to meet with my parents.

All this while, I didn’t bother to ask her age because she looks young but later I discovered she is older than me. But the truth is that I love her for who she is and we love each other. Is age a barrier to marriage?

Stanley

Dear Stanley, 

As long as the two of you are comfortable with it, there is nothing wrong in both of you getting married. Love and friendship are usually what make the major difference in bringing two people together.

The challenge is in both of you learning to adjust to the roles your gender foists on you within the marriage set-up. Being younger than she is in age doesn’t make you the subservient partner. Irrespective of her age, you must take the headship of the family by acting your role as husband to her, the children through the provision for the welfare of the family. 

You must at all times provide her with the right kind of leadership in her life and home. 

However, in taking charge of your home, you must accord her respect as your wife, taking care not to hurt her or make references to the differences in your ages. For you to get respect from her, you must not only respect her, but you must also be seen to be responsible. 

To help you maintain a fair balance in your home, you must learn about the nature of the average woman. This will help you tremendously to put things in their proper perspective when she says or does things that have the colouration of insubordination or insults. By refusing to attribute her attitude to the age differences between the two of you, you give your marriage the opportunity and elasticity to grow naturally. You must appreciate wisdom isn’t about age but the maturity and fairness we apply to issues. 

For you to earn her respect, learn to treat her fairly. It is only then she can give you the right kind of respect you deserve and need to function as a man. Generally, the major and perhaps one of the first sets of problems in relationships come when the man tries to force respect from the woman without first putting the structures of earning it in place. 

For your relationship to work well, you must work to earn your respect. In addition, being the younger party, you must develop the ability to carry the relationship well. For instance, some of your friends and family members would always demand to know why you favour an older woman when there are younger women around. Some of your mischievous peers can be very mean in trying to persuade you to follow the crowd. Learn from this early to develop the concomitant pride in your choice, partner and marriage to keep friends off your back. 

To achieve this, you must be sure she is the right kind of woman for you; the kind who can keep you excited and interested in her company for as long as you both live. 

From this early time, you must understand each other’s wants, desires, dreams and plan as clearly as possible. It is only then both of you can have a united front to confront the challenges of two strangers coming together.

At all times you must be ready to protect her from people within your family who may want to remind her of being older than you. 

However, everything rests in the hands of God who both of you must go to seek wisdom and direction.

Good luck.  

Your Valentine’s 

Column So Moving 

Dear Agatha,

You simply made me cry in your Valentine’s Day edition of your column. I am a very lonely heart who has been searching for genuine relationship; for that special someone. I should say that that edition was simply dedicated to me only. Thank you so much because you seem to know exactly how it feels to be in that position for a long time at that. 

Also, I thank you for publishing the article by Obienyem who wrote from Awka. “Valentine’s Day: Time to promote Love”. That was such a beautiful piece.

If it is not against the ethics, would you please be magnanimous enough to let me have his email address. I wouldn’t mind dropping some few lines for him.

Many Thanks

Peace.

Dear Peace, 

We glad to be of help. I am also sure, Obienyem is reading this and would get to you if he so desires.

Agatha.

My Husband Impregnated My Cousin, Wants To Keep It

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me because I am in trouble. I brought my 18-year-old cousin to stay with me last year when I could no longer cope with the house chores and my job. 

One of the conditions my aunty gave before allowing her to come with me is that I should send her to a catering school. 

Because of the prohibitive cost of doing so, I persuaded her to wait until this year before she can begin. Due to the demands of my job, I completely entrusted her with my family, allowing her to do the cooking, washing and looking after my home. 

I didn’t know anything was going on in my home until I discovered that my cousin was about four months pregnant. She initially didn’t want to tell me whose pregnancy it was until I threatened to send her back to the village. She finally told me my husband is responsible. My husband didn’t bother to deny responsibility of the pregnancy. 

I would have gone ahead to abort the pregnancy but my husband is insisting otherwise. According to him, it is bad enough that he has committed the unpardonable act of sleeping with my cousin but to abort the life of an innocent child is something he isn’t prepared to do. 

He is pleading with me to forgive him and allow the girl give birth to the child, collect the child and send the girl to further her education in a neighbouring country to give her another lease of life. He claimed he forced himself on the girl on one of those nights I was away on official duties and didn’t know what came over him. According to both of them, that was the only time. Besides, he found her to be a virgin. It is for this reason he is insisting on her having the child and has a matter of fact gone to report the matter to his family. His mother, who has never liked me and I suspect must have a hand in all this, is insisting too that the girl be allowed to keep the pregnancy and that she would take over the care of the child. She said the deed has been done and that there is nothing we can do about it anymore. 

Agatha, I am so confused. My friends are suggesting that I do it behind my husband’s back. Give her some drugs that would terminate the pregnancy. The thought of my cousin having a child for my husband is more than I can tolerate. Besides, how do I tell her mother and mine? How was I to know that bringing my cousin would cause problems in my home? Even though my husband claimed he forced her into it, shouldn’t she have told me when I came back?

I feel like killing her. Please help me. What do I do? Quit my home for her, which under the present circumstances appears to be the intentions of my mother-in-law, who is maintaining her stance that my cousin be allowed to give birth to the child.

Tolulope.

Dear Tolulope, 

Don’t complicate this situation by involving your mother-in-law in a matter you carelessly created in your home. If you insist on involving your mother-in-law in this matter, you may at the end of the day lose your home to your cousin completely. 

Your husband’s mother may not have liked you from the beginning but under the present situation, she is doing her best to manage an already bad situation. She is clearly not the problem here.

As a mother, there is no way she can support abortion. Offering to take care of the child is her way of ensuring you aren’t constantly reminded of the betrayal of your husband and cousin. She is right, the deed has been done. At four months, you will be sending that girl to her grave if you insist on terminating the pregnancy. Besides, being her first experience, getting pregnant and the attendant commotion that it is all generating, making her go through an abortion may damage her for life. As it is, she has a lot going on through her mind. It is one thing to be out to lure a man into one’s bed, it is another thing to have one’s body defiled by a trusted man. If your husband admits to forcing her into the act, you can imagine her state of mind before the act and after it. To have to carry the physical evidence of that forceful and very shameful act is capable of making a woman who isn’t strong emotionally develop a lifetime psychological problem. 

Painful and embarrassing as the situation is for you, don’t do anything that would further drive this girl emotionally and mentally. In her state, she needs care and love; so do the sensible thing of allowing her go to stay with your mother-in-law. Yes, you may be the one hurting now but this girl is the victim of your own carelessness as a wife and your husband’s inability to control himself. You used this girl to fill and execute your functions as a wife, mother, and caretaker of your home while your husband used her to satisfy his animalistic urges.

Were you around on that night, he wouldn’t have found solace in the arms of this girl. The fact that your official responsibilities kept you away from performing your wifely duties opened the door to this temptation for your husband. In that sense, you are liable for not being there when your husband needed your warmth. 

Granted, today’s women have to work to help keep the family together financially but many of the choices we make come with painful consequences. 

You must, along the line, have taken certain things for granted. For your husband to have wanted you so desperately that night is a signal that you have been neglecting the important aspect of your marriage and womanhood. Had you satisfied him sufficiently before taking off, he may not have been so pressed to do it with your cousin. If he were that promiscuous, it wouldn’t have been just that night. A man whose wife knows her onions wouldn’t exhibit that level of desperation, he would have been able to wait the few days you were away. 

Because of the evidence of what he has done, it is very easy to brand him as the one at fault but if you are truthful and serious about resolving the salient problems within your marriage, you will use this incidence as a springboard for redeeming your marriage from the many issues you have hitherto ignored. 

To help you put things in their proper perspective, do you consider your husband as one whose libido is insatiable? In the years you have known him, married him, has he ever given you reason to regret having him for a husband? How often has he complained about your neglect of him? When travelling for your official assignments, how much time do you devote to him privately? What quality of sex and attention do you give him? 

You see, it is all right for women to argue the point that if women can abstain from sex for a long time, men should be able to too. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case in real life. Men are excited by what they see and with the number of pretty and near nude women parading the streets everyday, many men have more than enough to cope with. a wise woman wouldn’t be so careless to leave her man for long without first making sure he has enough of her to last the period of her stay. 

We know that some men, no matter what their women do to stop them from straying would still stray, but the issue here is for the woman to do her best at all times.

Trust must have made you rely so much on your cousin but again this is the mistake many women make. It is always risky to leave a grown girl in the house alone with one’s man. Anything can happen from the blues. It is within the nature of man to misbehave. 

Don’t listen to your friends. Keep them out of this because their kind of counsel isn’t what you need now.  

Prevail on your mother-in-law and husband to go with you to see your family members. Allow your husband and his mother do all the talking to protect you from unguarded utterances that might further inflame the situation or cause further division within your own family. 

Believe me; the option of your mother-in-law and husband remains the best. 

God will heal you in His own time and season. Don’t for now try to do it on your own. Allow the tears to flow because you have been hurt but don’t allow those tears blind you to the begging issues in your marriage, which this problem has unearthed. Facing them would move your marriage to the next level. Sometimes, issues like this are just God’s way of reminding us of our own follies.

Good luck.

Two Years After Our Wedding Doctors Confirm Us Incompatible…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the wonderful work you have been doing in the lives of your fellow Nigerians in answering and advising them rightly on different issues. May God Almighty preserve, guide and empower you more for us and your family.

Agatha, please I have been nursing this problem for some time now and do not know what to do or how to go about it, hence my sharing it with you.  

I got married under the native laws and customs two years ago. Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to take in since then. Each time she is about to take in, she develops severe abdominal pains and before we know it, she starts bleeding. It has become frequent with her. 

Since we didn’t know what was causing it all, we recently went for a test, which revealed she has urinary tract infection and high typhoid. But the problem now is that the result also revealed that my genotype and hers are same. We are both AS, though my blood group is (O+) and hers (B).

According to our doctor, it is not medically advised we get married. I didn’t tell her what the doctor said, because I really don’t know how to present the matter to her without causing her emotional problems. To be double sure that the results were correct, I persuaded her that we go for another series of tests to make sure all was well with both of us. The results confirmed what the first tests said.

It has been two years of our staying under one roof and we both love each other dearly. But how do I tell her what the doctor said? Will she not think I want to dump her for another woman since she is unable to get pregnant? I have been keeping it a secret from her. I told my Dad and he said I should give her the result to read or tell her straight away, but I felt that is not right. She might collapse and anything can happen. Please help me out.

Blessed Mike.

Dear Blessed Mike, 

For how long do you intend shielding her from the truth? She will eventually get fed up of her situation and seek answers outside of you. By then trying to explain to her that you have always known about the situation would not be well received by her. 

What you are trying to avoid would eventually happen, it is either she accuses you of being wicked by your act of keeping the information from her or deliberately wasting her time for your selfish purpose. 

Since she is literate, give her the results of the two tests you did. Don’t say anything, just allow her read, assimilate the contents, see and hear her reactions before telling her the implications of what she has just read. If possible, take her back to the doctor for him to personally explain in simple English the implications of both of you coming together in marriage. 

You must make sure she understands the issues involved first. It is the only way she can assist you in looking for workable alternatives. That you are both AS doesn’t automatically mean all your children would be SS. Just as you are likely to have children with SS genotype, so also are you likely to have children with a AA genotype. There is advancement in modern technology that enables doctor know from the first few weeks of conception if the baby is Sickle Cell or not. If detected to be, the foetus is terminated to save the parents the headache of having a Sickle Cell child.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Listening to the doctor’s submission would erase any doubts she may have about your motive.

Besides, if your relationship has always been trust driven, there is no reason for her to suspect you of wanting to dump her. 

However, you must be careful about the options you are presenting to her. Whether you are yet to marry in the church or not, the fact remains that under the law, both of you are married. What you have not done is marry under the marriage act, but under the native and customs laws of our land, your marriage is legal. So, the issue of asking her to go doesn’t arise. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t be the first option you should be pushing forward. 

Granted, this is a very serious medical problem, but one which requires God given wisdom to tackle. The important thing here is not to make her feel as if she is the problem within the union. It is neither her fault nor yours that you are both AS. Had both of you gone for this important test before marrying, it would have been a different thing. Both of you married in ignorance. This should be clearly understood so she doesn’t feel like the sacrificial lamb.

You are contemplating leaving her because you feel you can have children with another woman with ease. What if the problems were purely yours, that of infertility on your part, would the thoughts of you abandoning her cross your mind?

Honestly, this decision isn’t yours to make alone. It is something you both must discuss extensively. Even if your mind is made up to abscond from the marriage, please give her the opportunity to be involved in the final decision you both make. None of you bargained for this, but since it has happened, a human face to the issue must be sourced, one that will not further hurt the sensibility and vulnerability of both of you, especially your wife who would be worst hit by all these.

It isn’t as if she is infertile, just that you both have a medical reason not together. But the fact remains that both of you are married so nullifies the option the doctor is giving you. In addition to expanding your knowledge more on the issue, go to a teaching hospital nearest to you. Get a referral from your doctor. Teaching hospitals are better equipped in this country to handle issues like this. You will get to know what is expected of both of you should the worst happen and you have a Sickle Cell child. Unlike before when Sickle Cell children were doomed from the beginning, advanced technology has also made management of the condition less stressful. Equipping yourself with modern information on the condition would go a long way in giving you fresh perspective into the whole thing.   

While you pursue the medical options, think of other options you and your wife may want to look at. 

How many children do you both plan to have? Ask the doctor the birth that is most likely to result in Sickle Cell. From this early make up your mind that you and your wife won’t push yourselves beyond your luck. 

There is also the option of adoption if the situation persists. 

It wouldn’t have been a different ball game if you were just boy and girlfriend. But you are both married, which makes it more complex situation to handle. There is no situation true love cannot cope with. 

Should you leave her to marry another wife, what guarantees do you have that this other woman would give you the same quality of happiness as you are having with this woman irrespective of the medical problems you are both facing? What assurances do you have that the other woman would give you children? Ensure all avenues to the problems are critically considered before making a final decision because to rush in a decision now might be an emotional suicide.

Problems are to be solved, in other not to make a mistake you will end up regretting for you the rest of your life, why not take time out to first of all go to God in prayers. Allow His wisdom to direct you on how to go. What you think is a challenge now may not be at the end of the day and what you think is a solution may actually be well of complicating issues. 

Good luck.