Two Years After Our Wedding Doctors Confirm Us Incompatible…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the wonderful work you have been doing in the lives of your fellow Nigerians in answering and advising them rightly on different issues. May God Almighty preserve, guide and empower you more for us and your family.

Agatha, please I have been nursing this problem for some time now and do not know what to do or how to go about it, hence my sharing it with you.  

I got married under the native laws and customs two years ago. Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to take in since then. Each time she is about to take in, she develops severe abdominal pains and before we know it, she starts bleeding. It has become frequent with her. 

Since we didn’t know what was causing it all, we recently went for a test, which revealed she has urinary tract infection and high typhoid. But the problem now is that the result also revealed that my genotype and hers are same. We are both AS, though my blood group is (O+) and hers (B).

According to our doctor, it is not medically advised we get married. I didn’t tell her what the doctor said, because I really don’t know how to present the matter to her without causing her emotional problems. To be double sure that the results were correct, I persuaded her that we go for another series of tests to make sure all was well with both of us. The results confirmed what the first tests said.

It has been two years of our staying under one roof and we both love each other dearly. But how do I tell her what the doctor said? Will she not think I want to dump her for another woman since she is unable to get pregnant? I have been keeping it a secret from her. I told my Dad and he said I should give her the result to read or tell her straight away, but I felt that is not right. She might collapse and anything can happen. Please help me out.

Blessed Mike.

Dear Blessed Mike, 

For how long do you intend shielding her from the truth? She will eventually get fed up of her situation and seek answers outside of you. By then trying to explain to her that you have always known about the situation would not be well received by her. 

What you are trying to avoid would eventually happen, it is either she accuses you of being wicked by your act of keeping the information from her or deliberately wasting her time for your selfish purpose. 

Since she is literate, give her the results of the two tests you did. Don’t say anything, just allow her read, assimilate the contents, see and hear her reactions before telling her the implications of what she has just read. If possible, take her back to the doctor for him to personally explain in simple English the implications of both of you coming together in marriage. 

You must make sure she understands the issues involved first. It is the only way she can assist you in looking for workable alternatives. That you are both AS doesn’t automatically mean all your children would be SS. Just as you are likely to have children with SS genotype, so also are you likely to have children with a AA genotype. There is advancement in modern technology that enables doctor know from the first few weeks of conception if the baby is Sickle Cell or not. If detected to be, the foetus is terminated to save the parents the headache of having a Sickle Cell child.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Listening to the doctor’s submission would erase any doubts she may have about your motive.

Besides, if your relationship has always been trust driven, there is no reason for her to suspect you of wanting to dump her. 

However, you must be careful about the options you are presenting to her. Whether you are yet to marry in the church or not, the fact remains that under the law, both of you are married. What you have not done is marry under the marriage act, but under the native and customs laws of our land, your marriage is legal. So, the issue of asking her to go doesn’t arise. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t be the first option you should be pushing forward. 

Granted, this is a very serious medical problem, but one which requires God given wisdom to tackle. The important thing here is not to make her feel as if she is the problem within the union. It is neither her fault nor yours that you are both AS. Had both of you gone for this important test before marrying, it would have been a different thing. Both of you married in ignorance. This should be clearly understood so she doesn’t feel like the sacrificial lamb.

You are contemplating leaving her because you feel you can have children with another woman with ease. What if the problems were purely yours, that of infertility on your part, would the thoughts of you abandoning her cross your mind?

Honestly, this decision isn’t yours to make alone. It is something you both must discuss extensively. Even if your mind is made up to abscond from the marriage, please give her the opportunity to be involved in the final decision you both make. None of you bargained for this, but since it has happened, a human face to the issue must be sourced, one that will not further hurt the sensibility and vulnerability of both of you, especially your wife who would be worst hit by all these.

It isn’t as if she is infertile, just that you both have a medical reason not together. But the fact remains that both of you are married so nullifies the option the doctor is giving you. In addition to expanding your knowledge more on the issue, go to a teaching hospital nearest to you. Get a referral from your doctor. Teaching hospitals are better equipped in this country to handle issues like this. You will get to know what is expected of both of you should the worst happen and you have a Sickle Cell child. Unlike before when Sickle Cell children were doomed from the beginning, advanced technology has also made management of the condition less stressful. Equipping yourself with modern information on the condition would go a long way in giving you fresh perspective into the whole thing.   

While you pursue the medical options, think of other options you and your wife may want to look at. 

How many children do you both plan to have? Ask the doctor the birth that is most likely to result in Sickle Cell. From this early make up your mind that you and your wife won’t push yourselves beyond your luck. 

There is also the option of adoption if the situation persists. 

It wouldn’t have been a different ball game if you were just boy and girlfriend. But you are both married, which makes it more complex situation to handle. There is no situation true love cannot cope with. 

Should you leave her to marry another wife, what guarantees do you have that this other woman would give you the same quality of happiness as you are having with this woman irrespective of the medical problems you are both facing? What assurances do you have that the other woman would give you children? Ensure all avenues to the problems are critically considered before making a final decision because to rush in a decision now might be an emotional suicide.

Problems are to be solved, in other not to make a mistake you will end up regretting for you the rest of your life, why not take time out to first of all go to God in prayers. Allow His wisdom to direct you on how to go. What you think is a challenge now may not be at the end of the day and what you think is a solution may actually be well of complicating issues. 

Good luck.