One Kid ‘ll Reward 10-year Of Love Venture With Him

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for people like us. I never believed in agony columns until I came across yours. I admire the seriousness and dedication you devote to issues, it is what marks you out from the rest who reduce the seriousness of a problem to a few paragraphs.

There is this guy I have dated for close to 10 years now. He means the world to me and would have wished to be part of his life forever but he happens to be married and made it very clear from the onset of our relationship that he didn’t want a second wife.
At the time we made this arrangement it was okay by me because I didn’t envisage the amount of care and love I would get from him. Since coming into my life he has become the centre of my world. Always giving and attending to all my needs.

Like every other couple we have had our ups and downs but we are always able to resolve such differences without causing a major quake in the relationship.

I love this man with my whole being, which is why I now want something more from this relationship. When I recently told him of my desire to have a child for him, he declined and has since then avoided getting intimate with me.

I have tried every trick I know to get him to make love to me but he has consistently refused, insisting he doesn’t want the complications in his life. When I asked him what I meant to him, he told me he found true love with me but because of his commitment to his wife, cannot express it beyond the extent he has gone.

I am almost 41. I have given this man the best of my years and what do I get for it? Material things, which wouldn’t give me the comfort a child gives.

Agatha, is it too much to ask that he allows me give him a child? Isn’t that the ultimate evidence of love between a man and woman?

It is evident from all the men I see that I would never be able to love another man the way I love this man. Besides, I don’t have many choices anymore.

When I discussed with a friend of mine about the problem I was having, she initially took me to a white garment church where after being warned against my plans, we went to see a native doctor who promised to give me something to induce him into making love to me.

Since going to see the native doctor, he has stopped coming to my house and has been refusing my calls prompting me to go to his office. When I challenged him about his new attitude, he told me to leave him alone. My friends have suggested I go and visit him at home so that his wife will know he has someone else in his life. I actually feel very bad about his new attitude. Where does he expect me to get another man at his age? Is a baby too much to ask from a man I have been with for 10 years? What has his wife that I cannot offer him? I am really tempted to go and introduce myself to his wife to force him to negotiate with me.

I really want to hear from you before doing something nasty.

Alice.

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Dear Alice,

What has his wife that you cannot offer him? Plenty of things! In the first place his wife is legitimate while you are illegitimate. Even if he loves you more than his wife, she is his soul mate while you are simply the other woman in his life. God knew all about you from the beginning yet allowed him freedom to marry the woman He gave to him, the woman with whom He planned the life of this man.

If God wanted you as a permanent feature in this man’s life, He would have made you his wife. Besides, you met him at his point of comfort, while the wife met him at his time of struggle. She believed in him to have given up her freedom to share in his life, to help him build his dream. Had you met him a pauper, a struggling man, one you have to help build, would you have willingly mortgaged 10 years of your life for him?

Had he denied you material comfort, would you have been struggling to have a child for him? Gone to the length you did or claim to be so much in love with him? It is easy for the woman outside to fall in love with comfort whereas the wife is the one who falls in love with the essence of the man.

This man loves his wife because she first discovered the treasures in him even before he himself did. It takes a woman with insight, determination, patience, tolerance and a caring heart to turn stone into pure gold. This is the point this man is begging you to understand and why he doesn’t want to hurt this woman who made him the successful man you think you are in love with.

This woman isn’t just a page or chapter like you, but the entire volume of his whole life book. These are the things she has going for her, which you will never have whether you give him a baby or not.

This woman remains his foundation, his anchor and vision for greater heights. She is a wife material everyday, one that his relationship with you isn’t strong enough to erase from his memory. If she weren’t such a strong and positive factor, he would have given in to your request.

If there was ever a time you loved this man, display it now and stop harassing him. From the beginning he gave you his rule for the game and you accepted without complaining so why are you now hell bent on changing the rule? Granted, he has been unfair to his wife, cheated on her for 10 years, but having come to his senses, he doesn’t want you anymore.

Beyond destroying what you cannot have, what other thing do you hope to achieve by going to his wife? It won’t change his mind about having a baby with you or make you take the place of his wife in his life. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in destroying your image and cause him to regret whatever motivated him into having a relationship with you. Whether your relationship with him was ideal or not, one thing cannot be wished away, the years you spent together. It has made him special to you and you to him. If you are very sensible, this is a contact you should keep and not destroy. You don’t have to be intimate with him for him to continue to offer assistance when you need it.

Besides, you cannot really blame him for the years you claimed to have wasted. Honestly, you don’t have any basis for what you are doing to this man. You made the choice to wait because he never promised you anything or gave you any reason to hope he would divorce his wife to marry you.

At least, he was honest with you from day one to enable you make your choice. You reserved the right to walk away from it all, and at any point. He took care of you because you were available. He must have felt something special for you being around you for this long but not enough to make him go back on the promise he made to himself or wife.

You failed to walk out for reasons best known to you. You wanted it all, a ready-made menu. There is no reaping without sowing. This man belongs to another woman, leave him alone irrespective of the mistake he made, including the abuse of his marital vows.

Simply because you are not his wife should dull your senses of fairness. For 10 years, you took what belonged to this woman, infringed on her rights, time and joy. All the moments you spent with the husband should by right belong to her and the children. The money and material things he gave you should been spent on the children and wife.

No matter how perfect this man may have been, 10 years is a long time for his wife not to have gotten information about you or know her husband has been cheating on her. One or two persons would have told her. That she didn’t come after you couldn’t have been out of fear or cowardice but respect for her marriage and man.

Walk away with whatever pride you have left and learn to pray to God for His forgiveness as well as help in finding a focus for your life. This woman has every right to brand you in whatever garment she deems fit if you make the mistake of going to her house to cause a scene. Beyond the evidence of gossip, what other proof do you have that this man has been dating you? Are you pregnant or do you have a baby tucked in the corner as evidence of your right in his life? She should be the one fighting you not you fighting her.

Stop acting desperately and also take precious time consulting spiritualists or native doctors because you are standing on a wrong ground. If you are wise and focused, irrespective of your age, you will still find the right man but this can only be if you make peace with God and yourself.

Good luck.

Hard To Say Bye After Years Of Undiluted Love For Him

Dear Agatha,

Thanks so much for the help you are rendering to many youths, who are helpless in one situation or the other.

I am 22 years of age and have been in a relationship with a man I love for the past five years. It isn’t a secret relationship as all our family members are aware of it.

He taught me what love really is. We are both deeply in love.

He comes from a very humble family and despite this, I can’t love another man as I have given him my whole heart, soul and body.

My love for him was so deep that each time he came home from his base in the North and lacked the money to pay his transport fare, I would lie to my parents about needing something so as to raise money for him. At times, I had to do menial jobs without the knowledge of my parents just to support him financially.

I didn’t even get angry when he impregnated my best friend. I forgave him because I knew it was temptation.

My whole life centered round his welfare, happiness and needs. Not that I lacked male attention. Men were coming, asking my hand in marriage, his immediate elder brother inclusive. Despite the fact that he hasn’t proposed to me, my answer was constant, I had a fiancé whom I loved with all my heart.

However, our problem started last month when he called on Sunday afternoon to ask about my whereabouts. Since it was the usual thing with him, I told him where I was and whom I was with. When I mentioned that I was with my landlord’s son in my father’s apartment, he got angry and asked why I was in his company. Without waiting for my reply or explanations, he didn’t just rain abuses on me but also accused me of being unfaithful to him. He ended up threatening to get himself another girlfriend.

Since then, I have been begging him and asking for his forgiveness while trying to make it clear there is nothing going on between me and the boy.

He refused to listen and insists I have been cheating on him. He has threatened to hand over the phone to his new girlfriend when next I call him. He has also gone ahead to tell my brother that he is no longer interested in me and that he has gotten another girl he wants to marry.

Agatha, can you imagine the pains I am going through? This is a man I have dated for five years. I can't imagine myself losing him to another girl because I love him so much. I cry whenever I remember what I passed though because of him.

He doesn’t call me anymore. The worst thing is, I can’t love another man like I love him. Each time, I remember him, I cry like a baby. Should I keep begging him to come back? If no, what should I do to get over all this mess, to forget him forever?

Gift.

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Dear Gift,

From the moment he impregnated your friend, he has been looking for excuse to quit the relationship just that you were too much in love with him to see the handwritings on the wall. And when the opportunity presented itself, he smartly took advantage of it to do what he had always wanted, escape from you.

A man who cares about you will resist the urge to sleep with his woman’s best friend, no matter how strong the temptation is. To have gotten her pregnant in the process of having a secret relationship with her shows a deep flaw in his character as well as his puncture a huge hole in his avowed commitment to you.

From the moment he slept with your friend, he broke the bond of trust and excused himself from whatever commitment he had towards you. The closeness of the person he slept with should have warned you that there were other women in his life.

Any man capable of sleeping with his wife’s best friend and gotten her pregnant in the process must have slept with other women too.

Your years of commitment to him not withstanding, you failed on your part to recognise the signs of infidelity. You failed to look beyond the perfect image you have built around this man.

While it is good to forgive, a sensible woman would have used the opportunity provided by the pregnancy of her friend to look at the hidden marks in the mirror. Had you done that, this whole episode won’t have been this devastating since you would have prepared yourself for something like this.

That he has gotten himself another woman within such a short time is enough evidence for you to know that even if he comes back to you now, he would never be faithful to you. Let him go but look at your own faults too to the collapse of the relationship.

In particular, look at the quality of challenge you presented him as a woman. Beyond being so much in love with him and willing to do things to please him even at great cost to your comfort, what will he remember you for? Were you a real challenge to him in terms of character? What do you think attracted him to your friend in the first place?

What do you really know about this man? What is peculiar to him and what intrigues him in a woman? To have a successful relationship, you must strive to patent your relationship to suit the character of your partner. Without a firm knowledge of one’s partner, his or her personal lifestyle, he or she would be difficult to please. A firm knowledge of the lifestyle of one’s partner enables one to first key properly into the person’s life first before any change can be done.

In your five years of being with this man, how many times did you bother to go down to his base to visit and fetch information about him? Do you even have any inkling into the type of life he lives in the north where he is based?

Nothing comes from nothing. Love cannot come from nothing. You may have fallen in love with him but it takes something extra special to appreciate the quality of the relationship.

Again, can you think of any other mistake you may have made in the five years you were together? Were you bossy or acted as his superior? How did you treat him as a man? These are issues you must honestly find answers to for the purpose of another relationship. Did you also suffocate him with your brand of love? Funny as this may sound, some men get scared and stiff when confronted with such quality of love because they think it would infringe on their freedom and ability to be themselves. Has he ever complained about your kind of love?

Sometimes, what we think is done out of love or to communicate our true feelings come as dangerous signals to those in our lives. The average man likes to be in charge of his affairs and gets frightened by a domineering woman or one who lacks initiative.
Like I said, this post-mortem is to help you focus more on your area of strength and what to avoid in your subsequent relationships.

Using the experiences of this relationship would secure you a more balanced as well as happier relationship in the future provided you are a good student of history.

Yes, it is painful but in every situation be grateful to God. What would you have done if after you get married, he persists in his reckless and disrespectful lifestyle? How much can your love endure if he is tempted to sleep with every female around you?

How many times can you afford to forgive him if he has several children outside your home? Being so deeply in love with him may not be enough to sustain a relationship that is constantly being battered by a litany of unfaithfulness? There is always a limit to human endurance.

Grieve because of the pains his unfaithfulness has inflicted on you but don’t allow it to becloud your appreciation of the real beauty of the life ahead of you. God never does things without a good reason. Behind every cloud of pains and disappointment, there are beautiful colours of rainbows. Time, the perfect healer will eventually heal you of this pains of rejection you have suffered.

When you meet the right man, he will not only treat you like the queen you are supposed to be in his life, he would appreciate your love and never take it for granted like this one did.

Learn to lean more on God as well as allow yourself to be influenced by His decisions for you. It is the only way you can ever hope to be happy in life.

Good luck.

I’m Ignorant Of His Plan For Our Dream

Dear Agatha,

Thank God for your talent. I am a regular reader of your column.

I am a girl of 26 years of age dating a boy who has refused to disclose his age but whom I guess to be in his early 30s. He is a medical student and in his 500 Level.

He has never told me about his interest in me neither has he declared his intentions to marry me. He doesn’t tell people about me while I tell my friends about him.

My friends have often voiced their worry about the quality of his interest in our relationship. They have frequently pointed at the possibility of him dumping me for another girl, a situation I have always told them is impossible and even refused to consider.

But recently, I have had reason to worry because I chanced on a text message a girl sent him, which addressed him as daddy. In the text, the sender told him she was broke. When I asked him, he did not only delete the message but also denied it.

Agatha, I am confused on whether to wait for him or ask him his plans for our five years old relationship. He even deleted the pet name he used in saving my number in his phone. When I asked, he came up with flimsy excuses.

Please I need your advice on this thorny issue.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Sincerely, this man hasn’t promised you anything from all that you have written. You are the one who is reading too much into a relationship that has no base whatsoever.

As far as this man is concerned, you are nothing special to him, but just a girl who is keeping him company. So, your so-called five years with him only exists in your imagination. Frankly, you have been having relationship with yourself because you are the one advertising it and making all the plans in your head.

If a man hasn’t told you the basic thing about himself, like his age what sort of relationship are you then having with him? How do you expect him to tell you other intimate details about his life like having a child or his marital status?

Precisely, what do you know about this man you claimed to have dated for five years? If called upon to defend his character, what will you say about him? For that matter, can you really accuse him of breach of trust given the fact that he never promised you anything?

There is no way you can play the accused, prosecutor, judge and jury in this matter because you lack every moral right to accuse him of offending you.

If by choice you decided to waste your time on a relationship you single-handedly nurtured without any input from him can you blame him for the problems you are now facing? You can only do that if from the beginning he promised you something.

By your own admission from the onset, he never told you he loved you or promised you anything concerning marriage so if he has a child isn’t really any of your business. It can only be your concern if he was involved in the growth of this relationship.

You made the mistake many girls make that of reading too much into a relationship. You made assumptions for this man and took matters into your hands ignoring the basic law of nature that it takes two to tangle. There is no relationship whatsoever if the two parties aren’t involved.

Although sad and painful, you stupidly ignored facts starring at you to implement something without basis for your own selfish end. You acted like a woman desperate to be hooked to a man at all cost. Even if this man had any iota of feeling for you, the moment he noticed your desperation, he backed out because like most men, he wants to be in charge of his life and actions. When it comes to the issue of marriage and relationship, men don’t like woman making the decisions for them.

The ego of the average won’t permit him to be pushed aside in affairs concerning his life by any woman especially the one he hopes to spend the rest of his life with. That you were willing to waste prime time of your life on an unprofitable relationship is a choice you made with your eyes wide opened. He didn’t force you into it, you forced yourself into this situation by your own volition.

From the moment he refused to disclose his age, a wise woman would have taken her cue from that to know where the man has placed on her in his life.

In your interest, quit this charade you call a relationship. If this man has any feeling for you he would make the effort to get you back and do what he should do. There is no way you can force him into giving you something he doesn’t have to give or feel. He can only make promises of what he has.

It is time you moved on with your life. From all indices, this is one gamble that has failed woefully.

Good luck.

Beyond His Battering, I Lack Knowledge Of Outings…

Dear Agatha,

My fiancé seems to be harsh on me these days and I am not happy. He is fond of insulting me in the presence of his family members and I’m fed up.

Furthermore, he has warned me never to question him on his movement or whereabouts.

Agatha, despite all these, I really love him so much. Is it possible for me to date somebody without knowing his movement?

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

There is no way you can talk about being in love with him without concerning yourself with the issue of respect. It is a non-negotiable aspect of every relationship. When a man or woman throws respect for his or her partner out of the window, that relationship becomes doomed.

If he continues this way, it would come to a point where your love cannot no longer sustain the relationship, when you will never be happy again.

This is one issue you cannot afford to sweep under the carpet for the sake of love because what you fear today will eventually happen so why procrastinate a decision that is inevitable?

Don’t be afraid to confront him on the reason for his change of behaviour towards you, and to point out the damage of his actions to your relationship. It is imperative you both discuss it to enable you in particular understand his reasons. Many a time we unwittingly through our own careless handling of issues push our partners into acting in a particular way. In complaining at the end result of our actions we neglect to admit to our own mistakes.

Granted, his behaviour is currently despicable, in the interest of your growth and maturity at handling relationship related crisis, make the necessary effort at getting him to open up on precisely what he is finding objectionable about you and why he insists on treating you with such disdain especially in the presence of his family members. Gently, point out the danger of this line of attitude to both of you now and the relationship in future. Whether you leave him at the end of the day isn’t the concern here, but that of him knowing how to treat his relationship with every respect it deserves for the sake of his own happiness in future. When a man or woman mismanages his relationship in the presence of his friends or family, he or she unknowingly creates a greater problem of procuring respect for the relationship from close friends and family members later in life.

Therefore when issues like this come up in a relationship, it pays to be objective and to listen to each other. Even though his behaviour may be objectionable to you, hearing him out would give you an idea of what may have gone wrong with the relationship particularly, if he was a loving and respectful partner to this point.

By virtue of our imperfections as human beings, we daily do things to incur the wrath or displeasure of those close to us without knowing it. More often than not, it takes grace and God given wisdom for us to decipher our roles in the mess. This is the extra effort you must put into this relationship for the sake of posterity.

By the time you listen to him as well as reason out his position, you will be able to take a firm decision on what to do, either to keep the relationship going or end it completely.

The beauty of life is, knowing what to do at the right time. If all the indices argue against both of you staying together as an item, don’t apply undue sentiments at all. Have the boldness to end it completely to enable you move forward to other things.

The answer to the question of you having the right to know about his movement is wrapped in the other issues affecting your relationship. Once you two are able to fly successfully through all the other challenges, this one will automatically resolve itself but if you are not able to, it shows the relationship is doomed and that both of you should be honest and truthful to your feelings.

Good luck

Just Keeping Her Till I Meet My Dream…

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem with my existing relationship. Although we have been dating for seven years, I have no express wish to marry because I don’t love her. All she is interested all these while is marriage.

By next year, I hope to begin my earnest search for the right girl.

However, I am still desirous of holding on to her because as the saying goes, a bird at hand worth two in the bush. What if I don’t eventually meet my dream woman? Won’t having her around be better than nothing?

Please I need your help.

Vershima.

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Dear Vershima,

You are a very selfish and inconsiderate person. When did it occur to you that she lacked what you are looking for in your Miss Right? Seven years, you have kept her on, feeding her hopes of you two getting married some day in future. Not once did you give her slightest inkling that you are not satisfied with her person or lacked that type of feelings for her even though deep down you knew you weren’t going to marry her.

How unfair can you be to this girl who has invested seven years of her reproductive life nurturing a relationship and giving you of herself? Have you considered the number of men she might have turned down because of her commitment to you or the things she has endured to keep the relationship with you going?

If she were your sister or daughter, would you approve of any man treating her like this? Where do you expect her to begin from after all these years of waiting patiently for you? What happens to all those years she has invested in this relationship with you? In your opinion do you think what you are about to do to her is fair? Don’t you think she has a right to happiness like you? What happens if you don’t find the right woman on time; keep her rolling on your time until the right one comes?

Even if you don’t love her, don’t you have feelings for her at all? What offence has she committed to make you this heartless and unfeeling towards her?

Why would she not be interested in the topic of marriage after seven years? Hasn’t she waited enough? The number of years you have been together gives her the right to hope, confidence to dream and plan for you two. It is within her right having given you seven years of it.

Had you made it clear from the very beginning that you two people were having a fling, nothing serious, such ambitions on her part could be termed out of place but not when you encouraged the relationship for such a long time!

Try putting yourself in her shoes. How would you fill if she turns around just at this time you assumed all obstacles have been weathered by both of you, she tells you of her intentions to drop you for a man she is yet to meet? A dream you didn’t know she nursed deep within her until the moment she told you and leaves you unceremoniously to lick and face the embarrassment of your wounds all alone?

Be man enough to tell this lady what you feel. You have hurt and deceived her more than enough all these years. The only thing you can do for her now is to tell her the truth. To hold on to her while you look for another woman to take her place in your life would be the height of your wickedness to a woman whose only sin is to have fallen in love with you.

The knowledge of your true feelings for her didn’t come to you today. It is something that you must have known for a long time. Law of fair play and justice demand you ought to have told her at the point you noticed the truth; to have given her the choice of continuing or not.

Holding to her for an extra year isn’t right at all; it would amount to high cruelty on your path. Let her know what you feel now but a lot would depend on how you present the issue to her. Even though she would feel bad about the whole thing, she would eventually get over it and appreciate the fact that you are not leaving her for someone else immediately. On the other hand, to wait until you get someone else before telling her could provoke a violence instigated by bitterness deep within her. This type of violence could lead to several actions, which at the end of the day leave permanent injury.

Remember hell has no fury like the scorn of a woman.

Besides, there is the spiritual implication too. Because she is on the right path, if she goes to God against you, chances are you may not be able to withstand the repercussion of your actions. This is why you must apply caution and wisdom in defusing this time bomb you have set against your interest.

Had you complained about her character, it would have been understood within the context of incompatibility but to simply dismiss her on account of you not being in love with her enough to marry her after seven years would be a hard point to justify.
This is because something other than sex must have kept the relationship going for this long.

And unless you settle down to ask yourself this vital question, you may discover it when it is too late and impossible for you to make amends that you threw away real gold for the fake one.

If you are still waiting to find the right woman after seven years of being with a woman, it underscores some problems with your sense of judgement. And what makes you think you would find the right woman at all?

It is in your interest you look deeply before you leap or your nemesis may just be wrapped in your next step.

Good luck.

Help Before Distance Turns Me Divorcee

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the super glue you use in mending broken hearts through your soothing words of advice.

I am 23 years of age and got married in the traditional way early this year. My husband is 30 years of age and in Ghana because his business is based there. I am in Lagos on my Industrial Training (IT) and stay with my father.

Recently, my husband told my father to allow me visit him in Ghana since it has been six months since we last saw. My father refused and now my husband is sounding fed up of the whole thing.

Please help me because I don’t know what to do.

Uzo.

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Dear Uzo,

What excuse is your father giving for refusing you to visit your husband in Ghana? Was there any problem before or after the traditional wedding? Didn’t he collect bride price from your husband when the traditional marriage was done? What is the role and attitude of your mother in all these?

You may be 23, a child in the eyes of your father but let him realise that your status as a married woman has removed you from under his control to that of your husband. Under the law, your husband’s wishes take pre-eminence over his. So, he is wrong to keep you away from this man whose interest in you he has consented to before your both families and friends.

Asking for his permission to visit your husband is only a mark of respect to him because you stay under his roof, not his right. So, he lacks the authority he is exercising to keep you away from your husband.

This is the point you should make very clear to him unless, of course, your father has other reasons for wanting you by his side, your place is by your husband, no longer with your father.

You have a responsibility to your man, more than your father because there are certain things your husband can do with and for you which your father can never dream of doing with you. You are to your husband what your mother is to your father. No matter how much your father loves you, his wife remains his wife and her place or position in your father’s affairs cannot be substituted by you. So, denying your husband of the pleasures he enjoys by virtue of his marriage to your mother is selfish and unreasonable whatever his excuses may be.

Being a married woman, you are old enough to make your decisions. Sincerely, you don’t need your father’s permission to go and visit your husband. You have done the right thing of informing him, of letting him know your whereabouts but the decision of whether to go or not rests squarely with you.

Your husband has every reason to sound fed up. For six months he has had to endure your absence, curtailed his emotional desires for you and deprived himself of the essence of being married. At 30, your husband is in his prime and most virile. That he is requesting you to visit him shows he has deep feelings for you and wants you to help him reduce the pressure of his emotions and protect him from the temptation he is daily exposed to by your absence.

And if you are sincere, you feel the same thing he feels in Ghana. It couldn’t have been easy for you to live very far apart from the man you agreed to marry. Something compelling must have taken place within your heart and body for you to make the decision to marry him.

There is more to being married than the ceremony. If you delay the process of laying the right foundation or miss out on the opportunity of the early days to fine-tune your differences, your marriage may never recover from the consequences of what is happening to both of you now. Then it won’t be your father’s problem but your headache since you are the one wearing the shoes.

Six months is a long time in the life of a marriage especially a young one. If your husband isn’t the disciplined kind, these six months could distract him sufficiently to get another girl pregnant. Is that what your father want? Being a man, he should understand better than you the endurance limit of the average male especially a young man.

If he loves you as his daughter, he should be the one encouraging you to travel to your husband. We all get married at the point we know that our limits are running out, where we can longer bear the pressures of nature. When a man takes on the responsibility of a wife, he deserves every respect that goes with the title of a husband. How would your father feel if your mother’s father sits in his house and issues command to him on when or not to see your mother? To desire one’s wife isn’t a crime rather it is right of your husband to want you by his side.

Don’t wait until the dreaded happens when another woman takes your place by his side. Once a man starts getting fed up of a situation, especially the type your father has created in your marriage, he becomes vulnerable to his anger. When this happens, he forgets reason and allows his emotions take the driver seat, which means the first woman that engages his attention becomes your successor.

Call him and tell him to send you money if you don’t have enough to take you to him. Let him know you feel everything he feels and that you equally want to be with him else he might begin to think you are in alliance with your father to keep both of you apart. He may even think you are lying about your father’s attitude to mask the real reason you don’t want to come over.

Honestly, if you delay too much in going to him, you risk losing your home even before it has a chance to begin because he would begin to suspect and doubt you. Once a man begins to suspect his wife, it would take the wife a whole lifetime to make him belief in her again. Don’t give him the chance to call to question your loyalty to him.

If there is any time the Bible and law permits a child to disobey his or her parents, yours is a typical example. Your loyalty is now to your husband and not to your parents any longer.

Good luck.

He’s Damned Envious Of My Elevation

Dear Agatha,

I must start by thanking you for putting yourself out for the well-being of our folks. I live in Europe, and I’m an avid reader of your column.

I work in a multi-man all-male environment; therefore, there is a good dose of humour. As expected in such close proximity, we enjoy a healthy dose of banter as well.

Nonetheless, there is this fellow Nigerian who sees nothing right with anything I do as the acting assistant manager. This position was initially offered to me by my immediate past manager, subject to authorisation from the head office. It was later thought wise to throw the position open to others who may want to apply; to accommodate other interests, it was internally advertised. The person in question also applied for the position.

Shortly before the process for interview commenced, the English manager left for a better job in a rather hurried manner. It fell on me to run shop in the interim. I must confess it was the most harrowing time of my life on account of the infantile intrigues of this colleague. He did everything possible to discredit everything I did.

Nigerians in this work inexplicably make up 90 per cent of the work force, a very rare opportunity I thought, given the high-profile nature of the assignment. In view of the stereotypically depressing culture of our ‘host’ about our perceived lack of ability to hold up standards, I pleaded with my folks to do their very utmost, because failure won’t just reflect badly on our employer, but on our collective identity.

Thankfully, I handed over to a substantive manager with commendations for the team, while my efforts were rewarded with a performance award.

Again, the position of assistant manager was advertised and this person and I applied for the position. Just before interview date, on a weekend the manager and I were off work, this person left his duty post for five hours without permission. Unfortunately for him, a superior officer came on a routine check, discovered his absence, which was confirmed through the CCTV.

My Christian ethos blinded me to a tactical advice: you don’t lose the initiative to your opposite in a power game. Nevertheless, my pastor’s words kept rigging in my head: you can win the battle, but then you lose a friend. I was persuaded to intervene on his behalf, without any prompting from him. I pleaded with the operations director who attended to supervise the disciplinary process to pardon his daft behaviour. He assured me nothing drastic would come to him. Again, I pleaded with my immediate manager to hand him a soft landing, he agreed.

A few days ago this colleague accused me of selling information about his second job to our employer. All attempts to reassure him that I am not capable of such satanic thing fell on deaf ears. Subsequently, we had strong words and I accused him of witch-hunting, spite and undermining my position.

I am thinking of going to our employer with this. Now, wouldn’t it make us stupid in the eyes of our foreign employers that we can’t hold it together without warring amongst ourselves?

I need your view on this matter real soon.

Akin.

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Dear Akin,

Don’t report him, it isn’t worth it. What you did, you did for God and not him. He doesn’t have to believe you had nothing to do with the thing he is accusing you of. Whether he believes you or not is immaterial. What is important is that you have helped to protect his job. This is what counts to God not the politics of whatever scheming he is doing behind your back to either discredit you for the job God has assigned to you or to paint you black in the minds of your colleagues.

Reporting him to your employers is taking the initiative away from God and taking on your battle yourself. If you remember, you may not have been the most qualified for that job or the most competent you will learn how to endure the antics of this person by refusing to fight back. God saw something special in you, a quality that has to be given freedom to grow hence He allowed your application to sail through.

Through the attitude of this man, God is training you for something bigger. Leadership doesn’t come without challenges. If you aspire for the best in life, you must learn to accommodate people like this without giving up on them or your own ability to cope with them without allowing yourself to be dragged in their dirt or through the mud.

Life is a challenge and an on-going school. For those God is preparing for tougher challenges, He deliberately plants human irritants to test their endurance, patience, tolerance and faith in Him.

Positions of authority don’t come to some people based on their intimidating credentials but on their ability to manage humans. This is why less-qualified people sometimes are given more responsibilities, considered for higher positions than seemingly better-qualified persons.

You would be exposing your weakness as a leader if you report him to your employers. It isn’t just a matter of exposing your nationality to ridicule but your own ability to manage the different shades and character of people that have been placed under you. It would definitely work against you when there is a tie between you and another person for a higher opening in the management.

A good manager is one who is always atop of events, never giving in to emotions, sentiments or side attractions.

Allow this matter rest. Ignore him the next time he comes with such negative and unfounded accusations. You don’t join a mad man in exchanging words simply because the mad man throws abusive words at you.

Everyone knows he would never be happy losing a position he had hoped to occupy to you. For now you have the sympathy of people but risk losing it if you give in to his intentional attempts at blackmailing you to fight back.

He is baiting you to showcase your unsuitability for that position so beware and learn to be ahead of him.

Going on your knees before God is the best way to triumph over people like him. This isn’t your battle but that of the God you serve who has persistently shown you favour in a foreign land.

Good luck.

My Husband Has Another Wife

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for six years with two children. For us it was love at first sight and honestly nobody told me anything about his other wife until she came into my house last week to announce that the man I have lived with for six years actually got married to her first.

I didn’t believe her at first but looking at the children with her, I knew she was telling the truth. They all looked like my own children who both took after their father in appearance. Her last child is almost of the same age with my first child.

According to her, my husband abandoned her and the children in the village to marry me, which explains why he has consistently refused to take me to see his people. She said she got to know about me by accident when during his last visit to the village, he forgot the photographs of my children and I in his room.

At least my husband when he came had the grace to admit to everything she said but insisted he prefers me to his first wife and says since he married me at the registry, I remain his legal wife.

He said he took the decision not to tell me because at the time he met me he was almost going insane in the marriage and would either have taken his life or that of his first wife but for his meeting with me.

He was afraid I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him. I come from very strict Christian home and never planned for polygamy.

All his family members, including his mother agree they have wronged me by not telling me the truth but say, they did it out of love for my person.

My parents on the other hand want me to end the marriage and come home, that they will never support my being a second wife to any man. They also insist that I should leave the children behind.

I love my children and will never leave them. His first wife after series of discussions has also agreed to vacate his life stating that she only came to set the records straight and she has also lost interest in the marriage.

Although this has caused me pain, I still love my husband. He is caring and has never in my six years of marriage to him given me reason to doubt him or regret ever marrying him. He dotes on the children but right now I need your help to make the right decision.

Confused Wife.

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Dear Confused Wife,

Sometimes, life calls on us to carry a load that at first glance appears impossible to carry but which in time becomes light. This is what is happening to you now.

There is no doubting the bitterness, heaviness and outrage in your mind now; finding out that the man you love, respected and gave your everything to is really not everything he says he is. On this premise, if you vacate your home, you will be justified and nobody can blame you.

In fact, it is what many women who find themselves in your shoes would do. To have come to the realisation that you have been married to another woman’s husband without you knowing it all this time is the worst form of betrayal and rightly raises the issue of his credibility and sincerity.

This is indeed the worry of your parents who are both offended and bewildered at the implications of his action. Your parents are only concerned and afraid he might have other hidden skeletons in his cupboard.

But asking you to come home isn’t a solution because whatever it is they are trying to prevent had happened already. Whether you like it or not, you are already involved in polygamy since he has children by this woman. The cold truth is your children have step-siblings, this fact your parents or doctrines cannot erase.

If you leave this marriage, are you going to remain single? How would it help you undo the past mistake? There is no amending this mistake. It is too late for whatever they have in mind. You cannot live with them forever and a time would come when they too would put pressure on you to go back to your husband or remarry.

And because you already have two children, the choice of a single man who has never married may be difficult. What they don’t want in your current arrangement is what they would eventually go back to with another man. So why complicate your life by vacating the devil you already know for an angel you don’t? Besides, what is the rational of leaving your children behind? If your parents really desire your interest, they should not insist on your leaving the children behind.

What they should do in this situation is to summon your husband, first to register their disgust and to warn him against hurting you any more than he has. Truthfully beyond this, there is nothing they can do to ameliorate the situation you have found yourself in.

Although it isn’t something any woman wish for herself but be assured there is no new experience in life. Our problems are all recycled from age to age and solutions constantly evolve to make it easier for us to bear.

Granted, he has done the unforgivable but look inside your heart for solutions and at this point it is in your interest not to listen to the voices of those who will tell you to give it all up. In your shoes, these same people would stay on.

When situation gets this hazy, it is always best like you have done to look at the positive side of the person involved. This is a good indication that you are ready to work things out.

The issue you should first address is why he acted the way he did. Let him know he should have given you and the other woman a choice in the matter. That by refusing to factor in your feelings he has destroyed your trust in him. Don’t pretend that all is well. Let him know precisely what you feel despite being willing for the sake of love to live with him.

One of the conditions you must negotiate with him has to do with the other woman and her children. Once you agree to stay, you must also agree to be their mother and open your heart to them to avoid the greater future tragedy of these children growing up in bitterness and taking arms against you and your children.

You must work out a way of getting to the children personally to ensure love flows in their heart for you and your children. Also, you must meet their mother outside your husband to explain your innocence and ask for her forgiveness. At this point it doesn’t matter whether she was in the wrong or not, what counts, is how unfair your husband treated her. Her past mistakes have been nullified by the actions your husband took against her. Your husband’s actions put you in a very precarious position so it is in your interest to ensure you mop up every traces of ill wind this might cause your family so don’t get tired of pleading with her. Always ensure he doesn’t shy away from his duties to that woman and her children.

Some may think you foolish but God knows why He allowed this to happen to you. It has nothing to do with your upbringing or attitude but the plans He alone has for you. Do it with the strength of a woman who has found determination in her unconditional love for her family, one who has the patience, calm, tolerance and understanding to see her family through this monstrous storm.

Your time to smile will come. For now allow the will and wisdom of God to prevail. This is however not asking you to be superhuman. Cry, get angry when you feel like it, it is all part of the healing process.

Above all, stay tuned to God and His directives. His love is more than enough for you.

Good luck.

He’s My Kind Of Man But Too Holy!

Dear Agatha,

I need your help. I am a girl of 21 but never experienced true love. All those I have met are not my taste. In my chapel at school there is this brother who has it all, but the problem is that he is too holy.

Vikk.

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Dear Vikk,

What do you consider as being too holy? Is it a crime to serve God and belief in His ways? What are your own attitudes towards the things of God? Do you consider it a huge disadvantage for him to be holy?

What makes you think he is the right one for you? Are you sure that isn’t the attraction for you? Often time, the forbidden things have the strongest attractions.

Before you move out to him, please ask yourself about your motive? What are you looking for in a relationship and this man? is it pure sex or friendship?

If you are seeking for friendship, it shouldn’t bother you too much if he appears so holy after all the essence of friendship is to understand and help the one who is a friend to develop to the fullest. To be a good friend, you must first offer yourself a platform to appreciate the uniqueness in yourself else, it would be difficult to recognize the exceptionality in another person. What you think is a fault in this man may end up being his rarest asset.

Being clear about your motive is to prevent regrets on both your parts especially yours later in life.

Until you get close to someone, you can’t tell who that person really is. The first thing to do is to try to be friends with him. Getting to know him at close quarters would give you the opportunity to adjudge objectively. We often don’t get the right opinion about people from a distance.

Once you are friends, every other thing will fall perfectly into place.

Good luck.

After Five Years She Now Feels Too Big For Me…

Dear Agatha,

I have a got a girl whom I started dating in 2003 when she was 13 and I 16 years old.

She is currently 18 while I am now 21.

She now feels more matured and as well under pressure from peers. These days she lacks respect for me and has stopped paying me attention.

I don’t know what to do.

Greg.

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Dear Greg,

That is the life of the woman. A woman because of her biological make-up ages faster than the man. She is in her peacock years, the period of arrogance and unlimited choices. This is expected because she is like fresh dew, cool, radiant and full of promises. Like a newly hatched butterfly, her glory is there for all to see. This is the age when a woman thinks she has the entire world at her feet. With so much power to bring any man down to his knees, she is bound to be vain and disrespectful no matter her upbringing. So your girlfriend isn’t doing anything new that millions of women before her haven’t done and which those coming behind her wouldn’t do. It is part of a young woman’s passage into womanhood. These are the cherished memories every woman locks securely in her bosom and shares with her daughters when the need calls for it.

At 18, she is almost ready to marry while at 21 you still have very far to go. In most cases, it has nothing to do with peer pressure but the reality of the situation Mother Nature has designed for the woman. While a man’s life isn’t governed by calendars and can have children till the very end of his life, a woman isn’t that lucky. Her life is framed into the confines of a calendar.

From the moment she starts to menstruate, the onset of her reproductive years, she begins a race against time. All her choices must be made within the limited period Mother Nature has given her else she is left with nothing to be remembered for. Once menopause sets in, she loses all hopes of being a mother, of performing her biological role as a woman.

This is why most women once they begin to approach the peak of their years as a woman, they begin to think deeply and look at relationships more critically than they did before.

At 13, when she started, her motive then was to have fun, follow the music of her heart and the fantasy of a dream. Then love had all the beautiful colours, devoid of responsibilities and reality.

At your ages then, it was a wild field, akin to a huge disco hall. The excitement of the music keeps dancers on the dance floor long after the music ceases. Then your dreams were satisfied simply by being together.

With age comes an awareness of responsibility, the acute awareness that there is more to life than rose-coloured petals. That a woman’s sense of anxiety is heightened by the fact that her lifespan is governed by her reproductive years. At 18, she has started a countdown of her reproductive years, while at 21 you haven’t started. The society expects you to first get through with your education, get a good job and stabilise in it before contemplating a serious relationship. On the other hand, the society expects her to begin her own preparation for marriage at this age. She is expected to be on the subtle look out for a man who will marry her once she gets into her 20s, not one who still has a far way to go like you. If you understand this biological fact, you will understand her better.

However, there are always exceptions to the general rule. Some couples, who started so early in life, despite the mounting challenges imposed by nature and society were still able to weather the storm together and end up achieving their life’s desires to be together. You and your girlfriend may belong to this group.

But for this to work, there is the need for both of you to come together and discuss your new challenges.

You both need to drag the relationship away from the cupboard of its neo-natal platform to something more matured. At 13 and 16, you were both babies, innocent and blank of the demands as well as expectations of a relationship. At those ages, you were both reacting to your hormonal drive, nothing more.

But now you are older, can think and take decisions as well as control those monstrous hormones. You now want something different from what you both wanted then. You are now beginning to appreciate there is more to a relationship than chemical reactions. You now know the differences from everything happening around you that there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality.

Clearly, your woman wants something different. Promises and evidences that she is going to be happy with you and that you have wanted to keep her that way. Fantasy has given way to crude reality which means she is beginning to see you in a new light.
For the first time, she is appraising you with the eyes of a woman and not a girl. Her heart is demanding she looks past the boy to the man in you. As a boy, you were fun to be with, but as a man, who are you? At 18, this is also the age of vanity for the woman. Do you fit in her fantasy, the kind of man she can advertise to her friends, who has not just the right features but also the money to throw around?

Sincerely, it would take a lot of efforts and re-positioning of the relationship to get her to listen to you.

But before you do that, do some self-appraisal of your feelings, status and ambitions as a man and not as a boy. Where do you intend to go from here? What are your vivid plans for the future? By now, you should have an inkling of what you want to do and those things that are very achievable to you.

So who is the man behind the boy? Once you have clear answers to give, go to her and discuss your new plans. She knows the boy in you; give her the chance to see the man in you too, the strength of character as well as the seriousness with which you intend to manage the affairs of your life and home.

Her maturity demands you tell her all about your visions and dreams. Part of the problem is she still views you with the eyes of a 13 year old, and she needs to see you through the eyes of a woman, young and beautiful for that matter.

These are the issues that would make the difference to her and help her get out of the confusion the pressures her friends and mind is putting on her.

No matter how objectionable and tiresome she has become overtime, friendship demands you try to put things right between you because no matter what, you both share a special history together of being the first love of each other’s live. It is always profitable to remain friends rather than enemies.

Good luck.

Three At My Skirt… Who Do I Pick?

Dear Agatha,

I have three lovely fiancés who have all proposed marriage to me. The problem is, I don’t know whom to pick among them, as they are all ready to settle down.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Three fiancés? The issue here is, are you ready to settle down? Do you understand what commitment is and settling down involves?

For that matter what do you understand by the word fiancé? What does relationship mean to you? Is it for you a jolly ride or something more responsible?

There is no way you will not be confused because you never had any idea of your ideal man in the first place. Whatever led you to keeping three men at the same time may hamper your ability to settle for the right man if you don’t first take time out to reflect on the qualities you want in a man and what would keep you faithful to one man.

You first have to grow the habit of faithfulness else you may end up being unable to keep your marriage vows to your husband. This is imperative because the ability to be faithful doesn’t grow on the tree overnight. It takes nurturing, perseverance, patience, understanding as well as determination to grow.

From your records, you clearly lack any of these attributes; so going into marriage with any of these men would not only destroy the faith of these men in other women but also give you a reputation you may not be proud of at the end of the day.

If you can sort out the problem you have with yourself, values and wants, it would be easier for you to know which of these men can make you absolutely happy.

Good luck.

Somebody Salvage My Life From This Mess?

Dear Agatha,

I wish to thank you for the wonderful works you have done in the lives of so many people. May God grant you more wisdom and continue to bless you.

I am 24 years old and a 300 Level Computer Science student in one of the higher institutions in Nigeria.

My problems started eight months ago when I lost my parents in a fatal motor accident. Ever since then I have been facing a lot of problems though I have two elder brothers but are totally irresponsible. They both do drugs and have between them wasted all our father’s investment within these few months. My elder brother sold one of my father’s houses I normally stay while on holidays two months ago with the promise to get me a smaller place of my own.

The man who bought the house has made the payment yet my brother isn’t saying anything about the house anymore, which has practically left me homeless during the holidays.

It isn’t as if I don’t have uncles and aunties I can stay with but due to the way our parents brought us up, I am not close to any of them, making it difficult for me to seek assistance from them.

However, the major challenge I am facing now has to do with the payment of my school fees. Without paying, I can’t sit for my examinations. All efforts to get the money from friends have proved abortive.

Flowing from my experience, I wonder why some people are simply unlucky or is it just me? Does it mean I won’t be a graduate like my friends because I no longer have money?

My worst nightmare has to do with the woman I once thought loved me as much as I loved her. Since I can no-longer foot her bills she called off our relationship without a second thought for my feelings and my obvious need of her.

Why are girls all after money and not true love? Right now I feel I am alone in this world. To be honest with you, I am really getting tired of praying without any positive change in my current status.

I urgently need a saviour and I am willing to do anything in return. I also need someone to love and call my own, to stand by me until all these is over.

Alvin.

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Dear Alvin,

What do you want the most now: someone to love or help with your education? There is no way anyone would consider you a serious young man in need of help with his education if you are also questing for the love of a woman.

In your condition, the two don’t go together; one has to be pegged for the other to flourish.

The reality of your situation demands you set new priorities totally different from the ones you had when your parents were alive to support you. Despite having elder brothers ahead of you, you are all alone hence must learn to be better focused on what you actually need and not what you think you need.

The truth is nobody would be willing to bet on a man who believes in mixing pleasure with business. Any girl now would be a distraction and a huge burden on whatever you are able to make. The situation demands you focusing more squarely on seeing how you can graduate first before any other thing.

Your situation calls for self-discipline and denial. It also calls for learning to develop yourself through looking inwards for answers to your problems. The truth about all these is that you may not get a helping hand anywhere. If that happens, what do you intend to do? Vacate your dreams of becoming a graduate and being someone profitable to the society in future?

That your parents died suddenly doesn’t mean your own dreams too have to die with them. God invests so much in all of us to allow that to happen.

Don’t forget, before you were born, He had you wired with all the things you need to survive through storms, rains and shines. What you should do is to look at your God given manual that is if you know where to look at, you would discover that in you He created software to think care of this period in your life. He knew your parents would die when they did and that your brothers would behave precisely as they are behaving.

God doesn’t leave us without plenty of alternative routes to take us out of the abyss. Your help may not come from others but from your own resolve to make it with or without help from anybody.

Your cue is to examine what you are good at. Even if anyone is going to offer help, he or she must know your abilities as a person. The person may not be asking for collateral or repayment but assurances that you will judiciously make use of the opportunity given.

What is it that you can do better than others? Do you have the boldness and right attitude to make things work for you? Do you come with the drive that rejects ‘no’ and only recognises ‘yes’ even the night at its darkest? Do you have the faith to achieve the impossible?

Weeping or lamenting your situation would not change things neither is getting too desperate. Learn to be calm always no matter how harsh the weather condition is. Desperation would only open you to fatal mistakes while self-control enables you to objectively weigh all the options without caving in to the problems.

In the alternative, what can you do on your own? If you weren’t born into a privileged family wouldn’t you have survived?

The difference between our failure and success is determination. And one way to have this determination is to have a dream. Once you know what you want, getting there won’t be a problem because even if you fail and fall on the way, the joy of getting to the trophy makes the journey enjoyable.

Think of a business you can do to sustain yourself while at school. A lot of children from humble home survive by trading in either new or second hand clothes, selling recharge cards, doing menial jobs or other humble and honest things to survive.

Once you are not proud and able to adjust to the reality of your situation without considering the reactions of your friends to your new lifestyle, you will laugh at last.

Hard work doesn’t kill but pride does. One thing you should never forget in life is nobody cares about the happiness of another person. If you don’t learn to listen to yourself, make your own judgement and take decisions designed to help you become a success story, nobody will. Most people are only good at laughing and discouraging others from being happy.

Let them call you names, focus on the end result of your dreams and you will see how these same people flock to you after you have succeeded.

If you didn’t know how to pray until now, begin to do so. If you never had a relationship with God, take the step of faith towards His throne of grace and mercy. He will find you accommodation as well as your other needs.

If it’s any assurance, we all go through dry and hungry days in the wilderness of life. Those who are today world leaders have their spell of wilderness experiences.

Good luck.

Memories Of My Late Wife Haunt My New Love

Dear Agatha,

I thank God almighty for bringing somebody like you to address crucial issues that bother on people’s relationships. God will continue to support and reward you for your selfless service to humanity.

I have a problem that is fast tearing my marriage apart. I was married some seven years ago, but I lost my wife after two years’ of marriage. There was no issue from the union. Three years later, I got married again, and we now have two issues, a boy and a girl.

My problem is each time there is a little misunderstanding between us, I look back at my late wife who was everything an ideal woman should have. She had premium manner, was respectful and conducted herself with dignity. The love between us was so deep that after her death, her parents officially approached me to marry one of her sisters. I, however, declined.

So I really find it difficult to take my new wife the way she is, for us to forge ahead, especially my habit of comparing her with my late wife. She doesn’t know about this habit of mine because I have never mentioned this fact to her.

Please what should I do, because the relationship is losing value by the day?

Desperate For Love.

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Dear Desperate For Love,

There is no way you can ever truly discover the hidden potentials of your present wife when you refuse to let go of the memories of your late wife.

Without you giving yourself and this woman a chance to be happy, nothing she does will ever be right in your sight. You have to give her the opportunity to become the wife you want her to be. As her husband, your duty is to gently guide her on the path you wish with love as well as support, not constantly tailoring your mind to continue to criticise her or compare her to a dead woman. The memory of your late wife is neither a fair competition nor is it one she can fight.

It would have been a different case if she were alive but how do you expect her to compete and win the battle against the memory of a woman you have by yourself elevated to the level of a saint in your mind. Frankly, it is an unfair equation. With your attitude there is nothing this woman will ever do that would be right where you are concerned because you consider her very inferior to even hold the candle against your late wife’s memories.

You are simply being unreasonable and selfish, putting your interest above every other thing. Since you weren’t over the death of your first wife, you shouldn’t have married this woman whose life you are now messing up. Doubtless she cannot replace her memory in your life but you have to wake up to the fact that she is an innocent party in all these who agreed to share your life because you asked her to. She wasn’t responsible for what happened to your first wife so why make her pay for your pains and anger against God for taking your first wife away?

In the first place, no even identical twins have the same attitude to life or the same character. Even one of us is a patent work from God hence you have to give this woman the chance to showcase her strength and weakness. If you keep exorcising the ghost of your late wife at every opportunity that presents itself, you risk losing everything at the end of the day.

Cold and bitter as this is, your late wife belongs to your past. Granted you shared something precious and unique, she is dead and has vacated the stage of your life for your present wife who now occupies your present and has through the children given you a future to hold.

Though the past never really goes away, however if you make the mistake of giving it too much power and authority, it can stifle the present and the future. You are lucky to have a woman again in your life and willing to live with your past that didn’t question whatever you may have told her about it.

I am sure pressures would have been mounted on her not to marry you on account of the death of your wife. That she married you shows she saw something special about you and has the vision that she would be able to wipe away the pains of your past. But if you are not giving her the chance to make you happy, how can she help you forget to enable you move on in your life?

To enjoy the dividends of marriage, give this woman the chance to make the difference in your life. Yes, there is no ruling out the memories of your first wife especially as she gave you so much happiness and joy. I appreciate it would take a while for her memories to fade but if you keep refusing to let go, they will never give you the chance to build a life with another woman.

Therefore do yourself a world of good before this woman begins to act out her frustration at your attitude and treatment of her. You may think she doesn’t suspect or notice your response to her, the truth is she is simply ignoring it so as not to rock her home or destabilise your life again.

She appreciates that you cannot endure bereavement for a second time but if you leave her with no choice, you leave her with little or no choice but to fight for her own happiness.

To help you focus properly, answer these important questions: how would you feel if she vacates your life? What would you do if you come home one day to find her and the children missing from your life?

Would the memory of your late wife be sufficient to fill the void their absence in your life would create? Would her memory erase the happiness these children have brought into your life?

Are you saying this woman hasn’t given you something to laugh and be happy about? Does it mean she hasn’t measured up at all to your expectations?

I am sure even in your first marriage there were points of disagreement, moments you wished your late wife were another woman, hoped you would wake up and find her gone. No matter how perfect a relationship is there are always moments of regrets and anxieties.

Even if there were no such moments in your time with her, the fact remains she would be happier wherever she is currently, knowing that another woman is by your side continuing from where she stopped. With the type of love you both shared, she would never wish you to be alone.

To help yourself put the past behind you, go back to the first day you met her. Despite everything happening around you, you must have a recollection of what made you decide on her, something special as well as appealing. It is more than enough to go by. Once you remember, it would enable you put things in their proper perspective.

Since it is a journey of self-discovery, crush the urge to compare her with your late wife by reminding yourself that, no matter how much you miss your first wife, she is dead and will never be able to give you the warmth your present wife gives.

Give her the chance to be herself, allow her to make her mistakes while you engrave her uniqueness into your heart. Let her loan you her strength to make this burden light for you else a point would come when you will break down with nobody to help you stand again on your feet. If this marriage collapses, there is the tendency for people to assume you have a major spiritual problem trailing you hence would make it difficult for you to get another woman to stay with you.

Nobody was created to be perfect. We all come with factory defects, flaws our friends, family and other loved ones have to learn to accommodate just as we tolerate theirs.

No marriage can survive when a third party is involved. Your late wife has become a stranger in your current marriage to this woman so leave her out of it if you want to be happy and find a harmony in your new choice.

Think of the children who need the love and attention of their father, think of that woman who has decided to ensure all your shortcomings for the sake of love. It takes time for couple to really understand the values of each other.

In all these you stand to lose more than this woman so it is in your interest to allow her access into your heart and life.

Woo her by buying her presents, complimenting her looks and praising her housework. It just takes a little effort to bring back the best in any woman once she is happy and secured in her husband’s love and warmth.

From all indications, she is not the one making you unhappy; rather you are the one doing that to yourself and marriage.

Once you make the decision to be happy, time will help you heal all old wounds and memories of the past.

Good luck.

In Love With Another Man Yet She’s Very Friendly…

Dear Agatha,

I approached a girl who has been so good and loving to me for a relationship. She was good enough to tell me of the existence of a relationship she already has and from all indications he is emotionally satisfying to her.

However, my challenge is despite being in love with her boyfriend, she still calls me with endearments like my baby and sweetheart.

Also her boyfriend lives far away from her while she and I attend the same school.

What do I do with her? Let her go or date her?

Mr. T.

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Dear Mr. T,

She has told you the truth concerning her status so the issue of what to do with her doesn’t arise. Besides, the decision of whether to date her or not isn’t yours to make but hers. And she has been honest enough to tell you that she has someone in her life.

Allow her be and not mount unnecessary pressure on her. In her boyfriend’s shoes, how would you feel?

Remove your mind from her and direct your attention on someone else.

Don’t read too much into those endearments because they may not mean anything to her beyond show of friendship.

Good luck.

My First Cousin Is In Love With Me…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I pray that God will generously bless you for the encouragement you are giving to people, who are looking for solution to their problems.

I need your assistance.

It has to do with my cousin who has fallen in love with me. He picks quarrel with me whenever he sees me in the company of another man or takes calls from men. He is determined to take over my life, as he prefers my company to those of even his friends whom he has stopped socialising with. He even prefers my company to that of his parents and is forever willing to do everything to please me including getting me anything I desire.

Honestly, I didn’t suspect anything unusual about his special interest in me until December last year when we travelled one night and he told me about his feelings for me.

On that night, he told me about his feelings as well as his desire I never see another man again. He explained that he is a very jealous lover and would do anything to ensure I am happy. I also pledged my love for him.

But the problem is that we are first cousins. We kiss, romance as well as make love.

I am confused and don’t know how to handle this especially as we are cousins.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

First cousins? I know of certain cultures that permit distant cousins marrying but a marriage between first cousins isn’t very popular and in most cases is viewed as a serious taboo. Anybody who can sleep with his or her first cousin is seen to be capable of sleeping with his or her own brother or sister.

It is therefore important before you both go further than you have done already, you find out about the customs of your people to avoid the social and cultural implication of two first cousins sleeping together. For all I know, both of you could be engaged in an incestuous relationship, one capable of causing both of you spiritual problems both now as well as in the future.

If the custom of your people forbid it, in the interest of both of you, discontinue the relationship immediately and go for deliverance in the church.

When two people forbidden by the closeness of blood ties engage in a sexual relationship so many things do go wrong in their lives. It is a spiritual thing and curse. Such people, no matter how much they pretend all is well are never happy in the choice they made.

All religious laws have rules governing them and the law of incest as well as its implication is very clear. Those who have scorned the implications of these laws on the altar of love and self-righteousness are living lives of acute regret because it incest carries with it dangerous spiritual consequences beyond human comprehension.

The so-called love you think you share now will, after a while, be unable to withstand the combined scorn of the people and religious structures. This is one battle even God will not fight on your behalf so why go into something that will make you an all round outcast? An issue you cannot even approach God on for His intervention?

Love is meant to create happiness and not harbinger of regrets and sorrows. Of what use would this love be if it robs you and your man the right of free association and free worship? Condemns your children to a life of social doom even before they are born? What explanation would you give then for people discriminating against them or the stigma your own parents would suffer if the whole thing becomes public knowledge?

There is something called falling in love with responsibility. There is no way you can afford to be irresponsible with your feelings or insensitive to laid down norms and expect to be happy in such an arrangement.

When people pretend others don’t matter, they get treated too as inconsequential. There is no winning a lone war with the vast majority. Besides, of what use is a relationship you cannot openly admit to? Deep down, do you feel right about this? Can you publicly declare to people around you that your lover is your first cousin?

Most times, the illegal things are the things the body and mind crave for the most. You both think you are in love now because it is still a secret to the world. Once the knowledge becomes public, do you think it can stand the test of time?

Furthermore, it was very hasty for both of you to have gone the length you both did knowing the stiff opposition ahead once people know. If indeed your love were true and honest, you both would have thought of your individual parents as well as the larger family at the point you decided to make love.

That you didn’t think of those whose interests and lives would be affected by your decisions; shows both selfishness and recklessness.

It is in your joint interests you make public your relationship from this early stage to give you and your families the opportunity of addressing all attendant issues before pregnancy occurs or something more disastrous. It is also imperative you seek the face of God in this matter while you still have the chance to make amends.

Good luck.