Dear Agatha,
Thank God for your talent. I am a regular reader of your column.
I am a girl of 26 years of age dating a boy who has refused to disclose his age but whom I guess to be in his early 30s. He is a medical student and in his 500 Level.
He has never told me about his interest in me neither has he declared his intentions to marry me. He doesn’t tell people about me while I tell my friends about him.
My friends have often voiced their worry about the quality of his interest in our relationship. They have frequently pointed at the possibility of him dumping me for another girl, a situation I have always told them is impossible and even refused to consider.
But recently, I have had reason to worry because I chanced on a text message a girl sent him, which addressed him as daddy. In the text, the sender told him she was broke. When I asked him, he did not only delete the message but also denied it.
Agatha, I am confused on whether to wait for him or ask him his plans for our five years old relationship. He even deleted the pet name he used in saving my number in his phone. When I asked, he came up with flimsy excuses.
Please I need your advice on this thorny issue.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
Sincerely, this man hasn’t promised you anything from all that you have written. You are the one who is reading too much into a relationship that has no base whatsoever.
As far as this man is concerned, you are nothing special to him, but just a girl who is keeping him company. So, your so-called five years with him only exists in your imagination. Frankly, you have been having relationship with yourself because you are the one advertising it and making all the plans in your head.
If a man hasn’t told you the basic thing about himself, like his age what sort of relationship are you then having with him? How do you expect him to tell you other intimate details about his life like having a child or his marital status?
Precisely, what do you know about this man you claimed to have dated for five years? If called upon to defend his character, what will you say about him? For that matter, can you really accuse him of breach of trust given the fact that he never promised you anything?
There is no way you can play the accused, prosecutor, judge and jury in this matter because you lack every moral right to accuse him of offending you.
If by choice you decided to waste your time on a relationship you single-handedly nurtured without any input from him can you blame him for the problems you are now facing? You can only do that if from the beginning he promised you something.
By your own admission from the onset, he never told you he loved you or promised you anything concerning marriage so if he has a child isn’t really any of your business. It can only be your concern if he was involved in the growth of this relationship.
You made the mistake many girls make that of reading too much into a relationship. You made assumptions for this man and took matters into your hands ignoring the basic law of nature that it takes two to tangle. There is no relationship whatsoever if the two parties aren’t involved.
Although sad and painful, you stupidly ignored facts starring at you to implement something without basis for your own selfish end. You acted like a woman desperate to be hooked to a man at all cost. Even if this man had any iota of feeling for you, the moment he noticed your desperation, he backed out because like most men, he wants to be in charge of his life and actions. When it comes to the issue of marriage and relationship, men don’t like woman making the decisions for them.
The ego of the average won’t permit him to be pushed aside in affairs concerning his life by any woman especially the one he hopes to spend the rest of his life with. That you were willing to waste prime time of your life on an unprofitable relationship is a choice you made with your eyes wide opened. He didn’t force you into it, you forced yourself into this situation by your own volition.
From the moment he refused to disclose his age, a wise woman would have taken her cue from that to know where the man has placed on her in his life.
In your interest, quit this charade you call a relationship. If this man has any feeling for you he would make the effort to get you back and do what he should do. There is no way you can force him into giving you something he doesn’t have to give or feel. He can only make promises of what he has.
It is time you moved on with your life. From all indices, this is one gamble that has failed woefully.
Good luck.
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