Sadist To Supervise My Project…

Dear Agatha,
I’m a 400- level History student. My problem is choosing who will be the supervisor of my project among the many lecturers I have. 

Agatha, the one assigned to me is a retired head of service and I think   full of wisdom which is why I listed him among the lecturers to pick for my project.

However to my dismay some students originally assigned to this lecturer have changed to other supervisors on the grounds that he is strict; that where other lecturers would turn a blind eye, he would insist on things being done correctly. 

With every sense of modesty I am good at my studies, a fact recognized by even this lecturer who often praises me before others. For this reason I don’t want anything to jeopardize our relation because he is bound to notice my poor communication skills. I’ve between now and October to submit my project. Most of my colleagues have at least submitted their proposals while some have actually started writing. 

My fear is that I might be the only student he may supervise since other students have rejected him for being too strict.

Agatha, in addition to his strictness, he lashes out at students, thus embarrasses them. What more, he enjoys speaking in Latin and seems to enjoying his nature to the detriment of others. Though he is generous with well-meaning advice, he is too harsh and irrational for my peace of mind. 

Although I have written for a change of supervisor taking my limited time, but given the limited time I have as well as the fact that I don’t know the other lecturers well enough, I am confused. 

An old student familiar with him that I discussed my dilemma with encouraged me to go ahead with him as my supervisor. That it is only students who are not sure of themselves that run away from him. 

I want to be properly guided; want to look before jumping into a lake of fire.

 Please advise me, I promise to abide with your suggestions.  

Bernete.

Dear Bernete, 

If you are confident in yourself, sure that you merit the degree you have gone to school to earn, should it matter if this man is harsh or not?

Besides what is the essence of education? If you meet a man like him as your boss, husband or father-in-law, would ask your organization to change him, quit the marriage or your husband to disown him simply because you are afraid to embrace the challenge he represents?

This man is part of your training in the university. He is part of the informal side of your education at the university. The real world is a place you will meet a kaleidoscope of people, persons you have to learn to cope with, endure and find ways of living with. We all come with our peculiarities as well as factory defects, not even identical twins have the same attitude towards life. 

Your education isn’t complete without you also learning how to manage challenging situations like the one this lecturer represents and persons. By learning to manage him now, you score higher than all those who are frightened by whom he is. This is one lesson that would remain indelible throughout your life because outside the university is a school of life, one in which you must daily write your thesis, get score and continue. You need the experience of this man in its ramification to sail through similar pitfalls in the new world you are graduating into. 

It would therefore be your interest to endure his harshness and lessons. He represents the reality of the real world, a world in which you have to be up and about to make things happen; a world you have to define your character, assess your chances and make a bid for the best life has to offer. Trust me, the real world is not for cowards, like that old student graciously told you; it is for real people, with guts and determination to succeed where others are recording failures. 

Being harsh and strict doesn’t make him wicked. He is only trying to gauge your preparedness to face the world outside. He also wants to know how well you can defend your degree. As a student, who is sure of self, you shouldn’t what he thinks of your communication skill; he is paid to ensure you graduate with the best results; he there to help correct your mistakes; besides nobody is an island. There are areas too he has to seek for the help and opinion of others to get going. Isn’t it better he corrects you now than for you to be disgraced by a boss who is very sensitive to mistakes, who would in public glare ask you if you ever went to school? 

As a student one willing to be the best, subject yourself to his authority.  

This lesson isn’t going to last forever. This is the time you need him, need his grooming to be one of the best your field has to offer the world. Stick with him because God never makes a mistake in His choice for us. To get the purest of gold, both metal and goldsmith have to endure the heat longer than the rest. It is what takes mere good to premium quality. His perceived harshness is what would transform you from a mere good student to the best of the pack.

Good luck. 

Pregnant While Helping Her In Holland

Dear Agatha 
I am 37 years of age, hoping to get married any moment from now. In my bid to make ends meet and enhance the living condition of my family, I travelled to Holland in search for economic empowerment. 

Agatha, one of my worst fears in life is to expose my children to undue sufferings due to lack of proper planning on my part. To this end, I fear getting married without first putting in place the right kinds of structures that would ensure continued flow of steady income. 

Because things were difficult for me in the early years of my life, I could not go beyond primary six despite my love for education. Because of my educational limitations I dreamt of getting married to a lady who is well educated to help our children and me achieve our desires in life. 

Back in Holland, I enjoyed helping Nigerian girls that are deceived into coming to that country but later forced into prostitution. I always help those who do not want to engage in the trade back home. It makes me happy to be of help. 

There was one particular crying bitterly at being forced into prostitution. Out of pity, I tried to help get back to Nigeria, but ran foul of the secret laws of those who brought her to that country. Because of the amount of money they spend into bringing these girls to the country, they can do anything and go to any length in dealing with people like me who try to help these girls back home. They can go as far as killing or setting the person up for a crime the person didn’t commit. 

I was able to take this girl away from them having lived in the country for a long time, but since her passport was with them, she couldn’t immediately travel back to Nigeria. Hence I allowed her stay with me for two months to enable me gather money to pay her way back to Nigeria as well as get her some things back home. 

While she was with me, I tried to be a gentleman, but she was a great temptation especially as she felt she owed me for what I did for her. I couldn’t resist her open invitation any longer, so capitulated to her invitation. That led to her getting pregnant. We tried to get rid of the pregnancy by injecting her, it didn’t work, and so I asked her to keep it. I sent her home to Nigeria where again she saw a doctor who also advised her to keep the pregnancy. When she told me what the doctor said, I concurred.

Since I couldn’t leave her in that situation alone, I came back to the country to see her and her family members. They tried to convince me to marry her, but I made my stance on the issue of marriage very clear. I told them I was only interested in the baby, and would take care of her until she is strong. She supported me because she knows the situation wasn’t my fault. 

Apart from not being dark, the kind of women that turn me on, I am better than her in terms of education. Unlike me, she didn’t get to primary six; she stopped at primary four or five. 

Frankly, this is where the real problem is. She is beautiful and I am sure she loves me. I don’t hate her, can’t hate the mother of my son even if I wanted to. Just that I don’t have enough feelings to make me want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

Besides, at 23, I feel she is too young for me, not the kind of age I need in marriage. 

In all honesty, she is still hoping I would change my mind about marrying her, but the issue is I have tried my best to make my dream of marrying an educated woman come true. What I don’t know is if this girl is the will of God for me. I am so confused because I need an educated woman in my life. 

Andrew.

Dear Andrew, 

It takes a special kind of love for you to find an educated woman who would marry a man who has very limited education.  Frankly, it is easier for a man to marry an uneducated woman than for a woman to marry an uneducated man. This is because the society expects the man to be better, in the position to lift his wife up and not the other way round.     

It isn’t everyman that gets that lucky because the average woman is looking for a man who can shoulder her responsibilities.

The mistake you made is not going further on your study after you started to work. For someone who has a passion for quality education, you didn’t exhibit it at all. That your father couldn’t sponsor your education beyond primary six isn’t excuse for you to have allowed yourself stagnate educationally. You could have enrolled in one of the adult education classes to improve yourself. 

If you don’t think it is too late and ashamed to liberate the restriction to your happiness you think your lack of education has imposed, you still can improve on yourself by studying at home and writing external examinations. All you have to do is get the current syllabus from any secondary school near you to help you know the relevant books to read. What you need in cases like this is undiluted determination. 

And if you think you can’t summon the courage to, you can encourage the mother of your son to, if lack of education is the only reason you don’t want to marry her. Having good education isn’t as rigid as you are making it appear to be. It is achievable no matter the age of the person seeking it. Hence unwise is the decision to make it the foundation of your relationship. 

At 37, you are not getting younger and while good education is of utmost advantage, it is neither a key to marital happiness nor does it determine the quality of care and attention a woman gives her family. These things are natural to a woman. 

It doesn’t take education for a human to be humble, caring, understanding, supportive and tolerant of the excesses of her mate. These come from the values that are important to her and whom she really is.

You may have the desire to marry an educated woman but have you thought about the essentials? Do you think you have what it takes to marry one? What if you end up with an educated woman who is arrogant? How do you plan to curtail her? Would you have the guts to act as the man especially if the woman knows this little weakness of yours? Would you be able to effectively act as her leader in the relationship?

Sincerely, if there is anytime for you to think reality, it is now. That child didn’t ask to be born. It didn’t instigate you sleeping with the mother on the day you did. If your excuses of preferring darker women were that intense, you would have been able to resist the temptation this woman offered you on that day.

That you capitulated makes this reason sound as an excuse from someone seeking one. Have you thought of why this baby couldn’t be aborted both in Holland and here? God often uses our so called wise ways to portray how stupid we really are at the end of the day. 

God is God and knows what is best for us. When issues become this cloudy, it is always advisable for one to return to God in prayers and total submission to His will. That boy needs his parents to be happy, to make you very proud as well as escape the suffering you don’t want for your children. 

A time would come in your life when what you price as important now would become very insignificant, when you would take stock of your decisions and regret the costs and pains you are enduring as a result of those decision; when you would seek approval and friendship of your son and would find nothing of him to hold on to because of the pains your decisions cost him at his early age. 

Nobody can care for this child like both of you. She needs you to be happy and you need your son to be regarded as a complete man. 

For now, don’t foreclose the chance of having her in your life. Allow God to lead you right. Explain to her what you are going through while pleading for time for you to fully resolve this inner conflict. She would understand better than you throwing back her love for you on her face without considering her feelings. It would do you a world of good to remember that there is a fine line between love and hatred and once a woman crosses over to the hate side; even hell would be preferable for the man who is her target. 

Just be human and reasonable to her to prevent you from losing the first fruit of your manhood to her. Take time out to date and court her properly to be sure you know what you are doing.

Good luck.  

Marathon Sex: Any Stamina In Pills?

Dear Agatha,

I must really thank you for all the uncountable problems you have been solving through your column. God will bless you.

I have had sex with only two girls in my life, my ex and my current girlfriend. When I started having sex with my ex, I usually came too quickly in my first round and I would lose my erection. But after a minute or two I would gain it back and end up satisfying her just as she satisfied me. 

But with my new girl, the reverse is the case. After my first round which I usually came too quick, 30 seconds, I find it hard to gain back my erection. My partner finds it frustrating as this has happened a couple of times. She has severally also tried to help me gain back my erection after my awful start, but all her efforts always end as failure. 

I am now thinking of going on sex enhancing pills to go marathon. Please I need your help, as this has never happened until now.

Tochi.

Dear Tochi, 

No two persons are alike. What works with one person may not work with another person. Simply because your first girlfriend can resuscitate you after going down in the first few seconds of your having sex with her doesn’t mean the next woman can. 

You both must understand each other’s body as well as psychological well being to enjoy intimacy together. 

Again, it also depends on what sex means to both of you. There is a whole world of difference between a couple having sex and the one making love. 

Every living creature has sex, but only humans have the ability to translate sex into lovemaking. No matter how wide our experiences are the ability to patent our performance is what gives the act excitement with the person we share intimacy with at any particular moment. 

That your first girlfriend could cope doesn’t mean any other woman can cope with the situation. The problem here seems to be your refusal to get acquitted with the package, that is your new woman. Trying to import your experiences from your previous relationship into your new one would not work at all. 

For there is to be union between your bodies and souls, you both must first share your previous experience in sex with each other, your challenges as well as your advantages and preferences. 

When a man and woman decide to sleep with each other, all pretences and condemnations must be left outside the bedroom. At the point two adults decide to strip before each other, even if both are coming with zero experiences, it is a point of no return, where both must face the journey they have elected to go together with naked honesty. 

To achieve premium performance you and your new girlfriend must first share your limitations. Let her know you have a problem of sustainability of erection beyond 60 seconds. Share with her your former experiences and how you overcame it. Listen to her story too and how you can help her overcome it as well. 

The next step is to discover each other’s erotic zones before the act. The best way is to explore through touch. In the bedroom, shyness is considered an abomination; hence the couple should be free to explore each other’s body like a book. The gain of such examination is the amount of satisfaction that follows afterwards during the real act. It makes it easier for the other person to know when to come in with help aids for better performance. 

For instance, if your partner knows your other erotic zones aside the one you are used to, it would be beneficial to both of you. Let her begin from the crown of your head to the sole of your feet. By the time she finishes her exploration, both of you would have discovered more exciting zones on your body than you previously thought. You should also perform the same ritual on her. 

With this knowledge, you armed yourself with useful information on how to help each other achieve better sexual performance. Outside the exploration, you also need helpful insights from books to upgrade your performance. It is often wrong and very presumptuous for men especially to assume they know it all. Like every venture in life, lovemaking must be symbiotic to achieve its goal in a relationship. 

Unless you have a medical problem, which you must first clear with the doctor, the only sex enhancing pill you need to perform at premium level, is to be liberal minded.

Good luck. 

 Lonely Hearts

 

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for using you to help mankind. God will continue to bless you.

I am a decent lady of 33 years based in Abuja. I am from Ekiti State, working and schooling. I am in need of a born-again man for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, the man must be working or into business and should be from South West. I could be reached throughdorcasbiyi@yahoo.com

Hard Telling Her Our Love Can’t Lead To Altar…

Dear Agatha,  

God will continue to bless you and enrich your life. I’m 27 years; there is this girl, 25 years of age, I knew back in 2008. During our interactions she told me about her boyfriend who was then a final year student. According to her, she had decided to quit the relationship because the boy wasn’t ready to settle down and has actually given her the go ahead to marry any man interested in her.

Following this, I promised to stick to her, but with time I found out that she lacked one major quality I needed in my wife. So I decided to begin the process of ending the relationship. Though I made up my mind to end it, I also didn’t think it should be sudden to avoid hurting her too much.

Last year, after a one-year (2008) IT job I secured for her in one of our branches and where she found out of my relationship with one of the directors, she began to mount pressure on me to come and marry her. I was able to resist the pressure.

In September last year, she told me somebody was coming for her hand in marriage, and that she is refusing him as a result of the love she has for me. Seeing this as my cue, I told her to give the guy a chance since I have no plans to marry soon, because projects I had on hand, thus wouldn’t want to waste her time. 

Thereafter, I purposely started avoiding her, but nothing I did made her change her mind about me. This year, I stopped picking her calls and later sent her a text message informing her of my disinterest in the relationship. I told her she was however free to come for financial assistance should she need any. 

To my surprise, in her reply to my text, she said it was either my love or nothing; that my presence in her life prevented her from accepting other offers and that unless I stay on with her, her heart will hold it against me.

I really intended a peaceful separation. I did what I did to free myself after I searched my heart and found out I can’t marry her. How can I settle this matter in a peaceful manner? The only time she told me about another man, I advised her to marry the guy.

Agatha, please help me.

Madu.

 

Dear Madu,

You erred by not telling her the truth when you found out she lacked the essential quality you needed in a wife. Although relationship derives its origin from sentimental feelings, but its existence is based on reality and facts.

Your refusal to be honest with her is what is causing this problem for you. You didn’t want to hurt her by refusing to tell her the truth, but that is precisely what you are doing now, asking her to go and marry another man when she has invested all her hopes on you two getting married.

Even if she lied about the other man coming to her, the truth is, you should have told her to enable her begin something new with another man. Pretending you were still interested in her when your mind was already made up presents you as being selfish even if you claim you acted in her best interest.

There is no way you can convince her on that now especially as you are also saying the same thing her former boyfriend said to her when he wanted to end the relationship. Your asking her to marry this man just like her former boyfriend did would not only hurt her, but also bring back a lot of memories she thought she has forgotten. It is like opening up already healed wounds. In her shoes you would feel bitter, betrayed and humiliated.

She would feel of all these because you are still not man enough to tell her the truth, the real reason you are ending the relationship. Telling her like her former boyfriend that you aren’t ready to marry is good enough. In addition it makes you appear to her as very calculating, someone who needed her body for pleasure but not good enough to marry.

Sincerely, it would be hard for her to forgive you unless you tell her the truth. As it is now, you may have left it too late. Not only does she currently feel betrayed by you, but that you have used and dumped her. It would now require extra wisdom from you to get her to forgive you and accept your terms without this feeling of bitterness deep in her.

It was also very thoughtless of you to have communicated your desire through a text message. Even if you insist on not wanting to hurt her, ending the relationship through a text message wasn’t ideal.

 How would you feel if you were in her shoes and the person you love as well as planning to spend the rest of your life with, decides to end your relationship in such an undignified manner?

Honestly, it would take the grace of God for you to convince her that this move wasn’t planned long ago.

If you are to persuade her on your good intentions, take the brave step of going to see her personally. Be prepared for her anger, but be determined to achieve a positive result, one that would see both of you ending the relationship without too much bitterness.

It may not be so easy at first to convince her of your good intentions, but if you take time to explain to her, point her at the reason you both cannot have a wonderful life together, she would eventually agree to let go.

To soften her, begin by pointing out her good points. Let her know she is not completely without good qualities, but that the one very important to you, that you have always required in your dream woman she lacks.

You must also make her understand that you didn’t plan this from the beginning; that you were actually interested in having her for keeps until you discovered she didn’t have what you really need in a woman. Endeavour to explain this to her to help her make the necessary amends in her next relationship. It is essential to protect her from further disappointment in her future relationships.

Whatever it takes let her see your regret and helplessness at your inability to move the relationship forward with her.

Ensure you really beg for her forgiveness to be free of whatever spiritual consequences that is likely to come from your mismanagement of her feelings for you.

In future, learn to be a man by owning up to your responsibilities.

Good luck.

Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?

Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.

Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck. 

Seven Men At My Skirt, But Choice…

Dear Agatha,

I am having a challenge on how to choose a partner. Currently, I have six young men requesting for my hand in marriage as well as a sugar daddy also wants me in his life. What do I do? The man is about 20 years older than I am, but has no wife though he has a daughter. I am 25 years of age. 

Worried lady.

 

Dear Worried Lady,

This isn’t just a matter of you having the numbers of men in your life, but knowing what you want from life.

At 25, you are in your prime and like a beautiful butterfly bound to attract the best of attention from every eye that beholds you.

It is the time when womanhood is at its most intoxicating, powerful and enchanting. It is the time most women think they have the whole world at their feet, when they get to play court to as many men as possible, young and old.

But it is also the most delicate time in a young woman’s life, the time she is most susceptible to making the worst kind of mistake. So be warned as not to allow the thrills of this moment make you become haughty and deaf to well intentioned counsel. Remember this, you stay in the spotlight is temporary, so make the best and wise use of it because you may never get this chance again.

Therefore, you must have a plan, an idea of what kind of man has the power to keep you happy in the choice you eventually make.

Retreat from all these men temporarily will enable you take care of very personal matters first. Out of all these men, who among them has that special thing to permanently engage your interest in the relationship? Which of them has the right kind of temperament, is understanding, your friend, caring, supportive, appreciative, loyal, patient, God-fearing and is loyal? These are the inner qualities that make a huge difference in life.

Resist the urge for physical and material considerations, all these would eventually fade away and settle for the one with the most precious qualities that keep relationship going.

You can only get the right kind of answer if you are honest with yourself. Remember this is a proposal for a lifetime journey, one you are not expected to get out from. Hence you need a good friend with whom you can discuss, share your thoughts and secrets with, joke with as well as make fun of to make the journey of two complete strangers coming together more manageable, enjoyable and enduring. 

As long as you allow the will of God prevail by being forthright, there is no way you won’t be happy in your eventual choice.

Good luck.

Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?

Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.

Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck. 

My Husband Of 35 Years Left Behind Women, Children Outside Wedlock

Dear Agatha,

I am a widow. My husband died three months ago and his will was read last week. Before he died, I knew nothing about other women or children. We were married for 35 years before his death.

Not once in all these years did he tell me of any child. Like every other woman, I knew from time to time he indulged in one affair or the other. But all these affairs I thought ended without any incidences.

Besides, we had a fairly stable marriage. He never for once laid his finger on me.

If I were to grade him on his deathbed, I would score him above average as a husband. In fact, I did until the will was read and I discovered that he not only had three other children but was also married to their mothers under the native law and customs.

I knew his family never liked me but didn’t know they would go to this length to support this injustice against me.

My son being the first, got to keep the family house, while his other children who incidentally are boys, he made directors of the company as well as gifts of houses.

I am deeply hurt but since he isn’t alive to answer to his crime, I want to contest the will, as well as the paternity of those children. I suspect the will may have been doctored by the family to deprive me of what rightly belongs to my children and I. Even if these children are his, I don’t want them near any of his property or the company he made me chairman of.

That company belongs to my children and I, not these strangers that I don’t know. Besides, I have plans to sell off the company to reduce the interest of his extended family members in the affairs of  my children and I.

What do you think? I am desperate for help. I want to fight for the rights of my children and preserve their legacy, which these people have come to steal.

Jadesola.

 

Dear Jadesola,

I understand all your hurts, pains and betrayal. Any woman in your shoes would feel all these especially as the person at the centre of it all is dead and unable to defend himself or explain his actions.

But this is the time you need the wisdom of God more than ever to prevent costly mistakes that would leave you more devastated than you are now. It is also time for you to take stock of your life as well as relationship with your in-laws, who may just be praying you make the mistake of going to court to extract their pound of flesh from you.

That nobody in your husband’s family told you about these other women and their children shows your weakness in this matter as well as a resolve in the family to deal with you. It also shows you didn’t really make the attempt to relate with your in-laws or that you didn’t treat them right.

However, trying at this point in time to understand why he did what he did would only keep the pains alive in your heart. So the first thing to do is to learn to forgive him without which you would never be able to move forward.

It’s the only way you can begin to see things from a very different perspective as well as accept the situation you have found yourself in.

Whether you like it or not, going to the court would cost you both time and money; generate more hatred than you can cope with within the family and for your children.

And because nothing can be done while the matter is still in court, everything would have to remain as they are until court resolves the case. The implication is that everything you helped your husband build, the legacy of the children you are trying to protect would all go to waste because the process of getting justice in Nigeria is a windy, complicating and time-consuming. It could last a lifetime.

As the mother of the house, opt for peace and try as much as you can to allow the past be. You have it within you to make the positive change in the family to heal this wound inflicted on you all. It couldn’t have been easy too for those children to be kept in the cupboard. He must have kept them really under wrap for you not to know about their existence. Like you and your children, they also have their grouse to nurse.

The wound of your going to court would be too deep to manage. These are not just other people, they are your husband’s children, people with the same rights to their father’s properly as your children. They are also your children’s brothers; a relationship nobody can erase. For these reasons, it would be unwise to fight them. Nobody goes to court and comes back to be friends.

Besides, learn from your late husband’s mistakes. Don’t leave bitter issues behind for others long after you are gone. You may think it is the right thing to do now but it is burning up permanently any chance of dialogue, as well as the settlement between all of you.

There are ways you can be in charge without rocking the fragile peace in your family. Your children are simply waiting for you to know the line to tow. If you adopt hostility, out of sympathy to you, they too will become hostile to their siblings and father’s families. Your only achievement would be to set your children against the entire family, a situation you may be able to weather effortlessly but which the children will not be able to handle since they will always need the support and approval of the extended family at some crucial times in their lives.

It is the future you must do everything to protect for your children; especially when you are no longer around.

First go round your in-laws to explain your position; let them understand that you are not against the other women and children but the concealment of their existence by your husband. Let them know you are hurting at the way they have treated your loyalty to your late husband. Make it clear to them that even if you are the worst wife they married, you deserve better treatment from the people you have spent 35 years of your life with. One or two persons among them would shift to your side because you would have succeeded in pricking their conscience.

After this, call the other two women for similar discussion. Ask them which one of them would not feel bad if treated the way your late husband treated you. Let them know you have nothing against them, as well as the fact that you are ready to absorb all three children into the family. This talk would debunk whatever they may have been told about you.

After this, get the children together and address all of them. Encourage them to get to know each other, form a united front against any member of the family who may want to use the situation created by their father to his or her advantage.

If you are sincere, fair and open in your dealings with them, with time they will come to regard you as a true mother to them all.

Go to God in prayer for help on how to be a good manager of your home and family.

Good luck.

My 43-year-old Lover Offers N5m To Let Him Be…

Dear Agatha, 

He is 43 while I am 23. We met at a wedding reception, three years ago. We got talking and one thing led to the other. We eventually agreed to a relationship and sincerely I found him not only caring, but also very attentive to my needs.

When I asked if he was married, he told me his wife and three children live abroad and that he was lonely. I didn’t see anything wrong in dating him against the advice of my friends and family, especially my mother who never liked any other her daughters dating married men. 

Tried as she did to end the relationship, I resisted her till she eventually gave up trying. Eventually I moved out of the house, got a place of my own through his help. He also bought me a car. To say the least I was happy and looking forward to the day he would come to ask for my hand in marriage under the native law and customs. 

Even though I knew my parents would never accept him, I knew some of my extended family members who would give their support once given the right financial incentives. 

The first two years were happy, I couldn’t have wished for a better man as he diligently took care of all my needs, but to my surprise, we attended one of his friends’ birthday and he started chatting up another young lady. She can’t be more than 20 years of age. 

Right in my presence, he gave her his call card and some money. When I protested, he simply ignored me. I discovered his friends too were doing the same thing. They simply didn’t care about the women they came with as some were even fondling some of these girls right in our presence.

For some strange reasons, none of us mustered the guts to walk away. Not only was the place secluded, it was late in the night, hence we endured the humiliation of watching the men we came with make it out with other women.

After a while all the men disappeared into one of the rooms upstairs with the excuse they were going for a meeting. It was well after two hours before they came out of the meeting.

When we got home, I demanded to know what sort of meeting they were holding at night and why he elected to humiliate me by chatting up another girl right in my presence. 

To my shock, he told me I was free to leave the relationship as he has gotten what he desired from me. He said I was free to keep the house and cars. He also volunteered to give me a parting gift of N5million if I didn’t make trouble with him. 

Agatha, what keeps baffling me about him is the fact that not once in my presence has he received a call or called his wife and children. When I ask if they never communicated, he would mumble something and begin a new conversation. 

Now I am beginning to suspect he is into some kind of ritual, because he doesn’t like me coming to his house, but prefers to come to mine. 

Since that party, he has increasingly become elusive, doesn’t give me money as before. Severally, he has refused to answer my phone and have seen him with the lady he met at that party.

When he decides to call, he keeps asking me if I have decided to pick up my N5million cheque. I need the money, but I want all of him, which is why I don’t want to let go.

But the dreams I have been having of recent are beginning to scare me, but whenever I wake up, I can’t recall precisely what I saw, but the thoughts of these dreams leave me horrified. 

Do you think there is more to this man? And do I collect the money? I really need it as my parents have turned their back on me, but my friend suspects the motive of him giving such a huge amount of money. I am confused because he seems determined to make me accept the money.

Iyabode.

Dear Iyabode,

What is happening to you is what happens to a fly that insists on accompany a corpse to the graveside and gets buried along with the corpse. 

In the first place what were you doing with a man 20 years older than you do, and who told you from the beginning that he has a wife and children in his life? If not greed at the money he was giving you, would you have refused the well-meaning advice of your parents and friends? Why are you now complaining about the presence of the other girl in his life? After all, the knowledge that he is married with children didn’t stop you from going out with him, leaving your home for a rented apartment to be with him. So why are you bothered now when there is another woman taking your place in his life?

The same disregard and contempt he showed his wife and children by dating you are what you are also experiencing. Even if you don’t believe he has a wife anywhere, the fact that he mentioned having one should have made you rejected his advances in the first place.

However, it isn’t too late for you to make a retreat, if not for anything, for the sake of your tomorrow. From what you said, there appears to be a side of this man you don’t know and clearly lack the experience to handle. 

It is unfortunate that you refused to listen to your parents, but if you are to protect yourself from something deeper than you know, don’t ignore the signs you are getting. The fact that you remember that the dreams are nightmarish is clear indication that you are in some spiritual trouble for which you urgently need help.

And the best thing to do is to first go back to your parents to make peace after which you must seek spiritual help from a church God leads you to. 

No matter the temptation, please don’t accept the money from him as it could be a form of spiritual exchange of your glory. Once you accept the money as pay off, it would take the special grace of God to bring back what he has paid you for in the spiritual realm. Even though some sorts of bargain and payment have happened through the various gifts he has given you, this final payment could be for something precious to you, something you will forever miss as a woman if you are lucky to be alive. 

At this stage, only God’s intervention can work for you, hence your need to make peace fast with your parents. When situation gets this bad, more often than not, the presence of the mother is vital in deliverance. She has to constantly stand in gap for you, remind God that she didn’t mortgage you; therefore an impossibility for anyone to exchange your glory without her permission. 

Even though you have unwittingly sold yourself into this mess, with the prayers of your mother and you, God will direct you to a servant of His choice, specially equipped by Him to set you free. 

Be careful, you don’t jump out, looking for spiritual help without the clear directions of God else you will end up with more complex situation. 

You must, as a matter of urgency, move out of his place without taking anything from what he bought for you. There is no way any kind of deliverance would work for you if you insist on keeping his money and other gifts, because you don’t know the source of the money and the purpose of him giving you those gifts. Therefore to continue to hold on to them out of greed is to declare for the source and his purpose for giving you those items. 

One thing you must know is that such things come with severe price tags. Only God’s gifts are permanent and without conditions. Unquestionable sources of income, especially the kind that elicits midnight meetings and indecent relationships with young girls. 

In addition to moving out, stop all forms of communication with him as well as develop the habit of praying before going to bed. 

If you are sincere and determined to make a departure from your past, God who sees the end from the beginning as well as everything will definitely help you. All you need is to go to Him in prayers for forgiveness as well as complete trust.

Good luck.