Pregnant While Helping Her In Holland

Dear Agatha 
I am 37 years of age, hoping to get married any moment from now. In my bid to make ends meet and enhance the living condition of my family, I travelled to Holland in search for economic empowerment. 

Agatha, one of my worst fears in life is to expose my children to undue sufferings due to lack of proper planning on my part. To this end, I fear getting married without first putting in place the right kinds of structures that would ensure continued flow of steady income. 

Because things were difficult for me in the early years of my life, I could not go beyond primary six despite my love for education. Because of my educational limitations I dreamt of getting married to a lady who is well educated to help our children and me achieve our desires in life. 

Back in Holland, I enjoyed helping Nigerian girls that are deceived into coming to that country but later forced into prostitution. I always help those who do not want to engage in the trade back home. It makes me happy to be of help. 

There was one particular crying bitterly at being forced into prostitution. Out of pity, I tried to help get back to Nigeria, but ran foul of the secret laws of those who brought her to that country. Because of the amount of money they spend into bringing these girls to the country, they can do anything and go to any length in dealing with people like me who try to help these girls back home. They can go as far as killing or setting the person up for a crime the person didn’t commit. 

I was able to take this girl away from them having lived in the country for a long time, but since her passport was with them, she couldn’t immediately travel back to Nigeria. Hence I allowed her stay with me for two months to enable me gather money to pay her way back to Nigeria as well as get her some things back home. 

While she was with me, I tried to be a gentleman, but she was a great temptation especially as she felt she owed me for what I did for her. I couldn’t resist her open invitation any longer, so capitulated to her invitation. That led to her getting pregnant. We tried to get rid of the pregnancy by injecting her, it didn’t work, and so I asked her to keep it. I sent her home to Nigeria where again she saw a doctor who also advised her to keep the pregnancy. When she told me what the doctor said, I concurred.

Since I couldn’t leave her in that situation alone, I came back to the country to see her and her family members. They tried to convince me to marry her, but I made my stance on the issue of marriage very clear. I told them I was only interested in the baby, and would take care of her until she is strong. She supported me because she knows the situation wasn’t my fault. 

Apart from not being dark, the kind of women that turn me on, I am better than her in terms of education. Unlike me, she didn’t get to primary six; she stopped at primary four or five. 

Frankly, this is where the real problem is. She is beautiful and I am sure she loves me. I don’t hate her, can’t hate the mother of my son even if I wanted to. Just that I don’t have enough feelings to make me want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

Besides, at 23, I feel she is too young for me, not the kind of age I need in marriage. 

In all honesty, she is still hoping I would change my mind about marrying her, but the issue is I have tried my best to make my dream of marrying an educated woman come true. What I don’t know is if this girl is the will of God for me. I am so confused because I need an educated woman in my life. 

Andrew.

Dear Andrew, 

It takes a special kind of love for you to find an educated woman who would marry a man who has very limited education.  Frankly, it is easier for a man to marry an uneducated woman than for a woman to marry an uneducated man. This is because the society expects the man to be better, in the position to lift his wife up and not the other way round.     

It isn’t everyman that gets that lucky because the average woman is looking for a man who can shoulder her responsibilities.

The mistake you made is not going further on your study after you started to work. For someone who has a passion for quality education, you didn’t exhibit it at all. That your father couldn’t sponsor your education beyond primary six isn’t excuse for you to have allowed yourself stagnate educationally. You could have enrolled in one of the adult education classes to improve yourself. 

If you don’t think it is too late and ashamed to liberate the restriction to your happiness you think your lack of education has imposed, you still can improve on yourself by studying at home and writing external examinations. All you have to do is get the current syllabus from any secondary school near you to help you know the relevant books to read. What you need in cases like this is undiluted determination. 

And if you think you can’t summon the courage to, you can encourage the mother of your son to, if lack of education is the only reason you don’t want to marry her. Having good education isn’t as rigid as you are making it appear to be. It is achievable no matter the age of the person seeking it. Hence unwise is the decision to make it the foundation of your relationship. 

At 37, you are not getting younger and while good education is of utmost advantage, it is neither a key to marital happiness nor does it determine the quality of care and attention a woman gives her family. These things are natural to a woman. 

It doesn’t take education for a human to be humble, caring, understanding, supportive and tolerant of the excesses of her mate. These come from the values that are important to her and whom she really is.

You may have the desire to marry an educated woman but have you thought about the essentials? Do you think you have what it takes to marry one? What if you end up with an educated woman who is arrogant? How do you plan to curtail her? Would you have the guts to act as the man especially if the woman knows this little weakness of yours? Would you be able to effectively act as her leader in the relationship?

Sincerely, if there is anytime for you to think reality, it is now. That child didn’t ask to be born. It didn’t instigate you sleeping with the mother on the day you did. If your excuses of preferring darker women were that intense, you would have been able to resist the temptation this woman offered you on that day.

That you capitulated makes this reason sound as an excuse from someone seeking one. Have you thought of why this baby couldn’t be aborted both in Holland and here? God often uses our so called wise ways to portray how stupid we really are at the end of the day. 

God is God and knows what is best for us. When issues become this cloudy, it is always advisable for one to return to God in prayers and total submission to His will. That boy needs his parents to be happy, to make you very proud as well as escape the suffering you don’t want for your children. 

A time would come in your life when what you price as important now would become very insignificant, when you would take stock of your decisions and regret the costs and pains you are enduring as a result of those decision; when you would seek approval and friendship of your son and would find nothing of him to hold on to because of the pains your decisions cost him at his early age. 

Nobody can care for this child like both of you. She needs you to be happy and you need your son to be regarded as a complete man. 

For now, don’t foreclose the chance of having her in your life. Allow God to lead you right. Explain to her what you are going through while pleading for time for you to fully resolve this inner conflict. She would understand better than you throwing back her love for you on her face without considering her feelings. It would do you a world of good to remember that there is a fine line between love and hatred and once a woman crosses over to the hate side; even hell would be preferable for the man who is her target. 

Just be human and reasonable to her to prevent you from losing the first fruit of your manhood to her. Take time out to date and court her properly to be sure you know what you are doing.

Good luck.