Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?

Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.

Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck.