Dear Agatha,
God will continue to bless you and enrich your life. I’m 27 years; there is this girl, 25 years of age, I knew back in 2008. During our interactions she told me about her boyfriend who was then a final year student. According to her, she had decided to quit the relationship because the boy wasn’t ready to settle down and has actually given her the go ahead to marry any man interested in her.
Following this, I promised to stick to her, but with time I found out that she lacked one major quality I needed in my wife. So I decided to begin the process of ending the relationship. Though I made up my mind to end it, I also didn’t think it should be sudden to avoid hurting her too much.
Last year, after a one-year (2008) IT job I secured for her in one of our branches and where she found out of my relationship with one of the directors, she began to mount pressure on me to come and marry her. I was able to resist the pressure.
In September last year, she told me somebody was coming for her hand in marriage, and that she is refusing him as a result of the love she has for me. Seeing this as my cue, I told her to give the guy a chance since I have no plans to marry soon, because projects I had on hand, thus wouldn’t want to waste her time.
Thereafter, I purposely started avoiding her, but nothing I did made her change her mind about me. This year, I stopped picking her calls and later sent her a text message informing her of my disinterest in the relationship. I told her she was however free to come for financial assistance should she need any.
To my surprise, in her reply to my text, she said it was either my love or nothing; that my presence in her life prevented her from accepting other offers and that unless I stay on with her, her heart will hold it against me.
I really intended a peaceful separation. I did what I did to free myself after I searched my heart and found out I can’t marry her. How can I settle this matter in a peaceful manner? The only time she told me about another man, I advised her to marry the guy.
Agatha, please help me.
Madu.
Dear Madu,
You erred by not telling her the truth when you found out she lacked the essential quality you needed in a wife. Although relationship derives its origin from sentimental feelings, but its existence is based on reality and facts.
Your refusal to be honest with her is what is causing this problem for you. You didn’t want to hurt her by refusing to tell her the truth, but that is precisely what you are doing now, asking her to go and marry another man when she has invested all her hopes on you two getting married.
Even if she lied about the other man coming to her, the truth is, you should have told her to enable her begin something new with another man. Pretending you were still interested in her when your mind was already made up presents you as being selfish even if you claim you acted in her best interest.
There is no way you can convince her on that now especially as you are also saying the same thing her former boyfriend said to her when he wanted to end the relationship. Your asking her to marry this man just like her former boyfriend did would not only hurt her, but also bring back a lot of memories she thought she has forgotten. It is like opening up already healed wounds. In her shoes you would feel bitter, betrayed and humiliated.
She would feel of all these because you are still not man enough to tell her the truth, the real reason you are ending the relationship. Telling her like her former boyfriend that you aren’t ready to marry is good enough. In addition it makes you appear to her as very calculating, someone who needed her body for pleasure but not good enough to marry.
Sincerely, it would be hard for her to forgive you unless you tell her the truth. As it is now, you may have left it too late. Not only does she currently feel betrayed by you, but that you have used and dumped her. It would now require extra wisdom from you to get her to forgive you and accept your terms without this feeling of bitterness deep in her.
It was also very thoughtless of you to have communicated your desire through a text message. Even if you insist on not wanting to hurt her, ending the relationship through a text message wasn’t ideal.
How would you feel if you were in her shoes and the person you love as well as planning to spend the rest of your life with, decides to end your relationship in such an undignified manner?
Honestly, it would take the grace of God for you to convince her that this move wasn’t planned long ago.
If you are to persuade her on your good intentions, take the brave step of going to see her personally. Be prepared for her anger, but be determined to achieve a positive result, one that would see both of you ending the relationship without too much bitterness.
It may not be so easy at first to convince her of your good intentions, but if you take time to explain to her, point her at the reason you both cannot have a wonderful life together, she would eventually agree to let go.
To soften her, begin by pointing out her good points. Let her know she is not completely without good qualities, but that the one very important to you, that you have always required in your dream woman she lacks.
You must also make her understand that you didn’t plan this from the beginning; that you were actually interested in having her for keeps until you discovered she didn’t have what you really need in a woman. Endeavour to explain this to her to help her make the necessary amends in her next relationship. It is essential to protect her from further disappointment in her future relationships.
Whatever it takes let her see your regret and helplessness at your inability to move the relationship forward with her.
Ensure you really beg for her forgiveness to be free of whatever spiritual consequences that is likely to come from your mismanagement of her feelings for you.
In future, learn to be a man by owning up to your responsibilities.
Good luck.
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