Can’t he do without extramarital deals?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
My husband is having an affair. How do I stop him?
Worried Wife.


Dear Worried Wife,
It isn’t every time a man goes outside his home for an affair that he is to blame. In some cases, the wife at home unwittingly aids another woman to get the attention of her husband.
Admittedly some men are chronic womanisers, but a lot of these aches can be minimised by the amount of efforts the wife puts into making her home very comfortable for the man.
First you must work on your person and home before attempting to tackle the issue of the other woman in your husband’s life.
Although you didn’t say for how long you have been married, but a lot of women make the mistake of forgetting that men are not restricted by marriage from looking outside their homes as women are.
This is why every married woman must from time to time make every effort to ensure her husband’s reason for marrying her remains fresh. The moment a woman allows herself to be distracted from her reason for being a wife to her husband, she leaves her flanks opened for invasion by another woman.
Therefore, before you battle your husband, how would you grade yourself as a woman in his life? Do you still excite him as you did before you tied the knots? Are you still sensual, taking special care of yourself in terms of your clothes and personal appearance? Do you still make his heartbeat by your choice of clothes, hairdo as well as all those extra bits that make you a woman? Can he still show you off with pride with the arrogance of a man who knows he has one of the most special women by his side? Can you still remember what you looked like when you were still dating? Can you recognise that woman in your current form?
Were you to assess yourself through the eyes of your husband and give an honest answer, how would you rate yourself? Honestly, once you are determined to be truthful to yourself, you will begin to understand some of the things that are wrong with your marriage, and more importantly, his reasons for drifting. Although not an excuse, but more often than not when the mind is desirous of something, it needs just a little bit of help from a potential source to make it happen.
The joy of every man is to have a woman he can put on display at all times. Even though many men make the show of not wanting their wives to dress in a particular way, the irony of life is, that same dress they don’t want on their wives, is the same one they appreciate in other women.
Take time out to think of those things he particularly liked about you, complimented you for when he was still trying to engage your interest in him. Make the attempt to recover those things. It will help re-engineer his interest in you, bring him back to you without fighting the other woman or him for that matter.
Your performance as his woman may be just right, but as a wife, how would you score yourself? How well do you understand the needs of the man you call your husband? This is often the reason some men give for going into other relationships. When a man doesn’t get the kind of attention from his wife, feels displaced by children or make to feel like an intruder in the life of his wife, he goes in search for the woman who would shower all her attention on him. Unfortunately, the woman outside knows this, hence puts in the time the woman at home cannot deposit in her marriage. She also invests the extra energy as well as innovations into everything she does for her man-friend to make her the better choice for him.
When a married woman finds herself in the kind of position you have found yourself, her best weapon to win her man over is to behave like the mistress. Fighting won’t stop both man and woman from continuing with their affair. As a matter of fact, it has the potentials of complicating things for her. Instead, she should create time and purpose for her home. Like the mistress, she should use her money and time effectively. This is precisely what you should do to get your man back.
There is the need for you to do a little bit of investigation on your rival. Get people to give you information about her; this way you will know how to marshal your plans. Having information will give you an idea into her person. This way, you will be better guided in how you can neutralise her powers over your husband, not by fighting her, but knowing where to channel your energy in the quest to getting your husband back.
From experience, there is always something to learn from the other woman. It could just be a simple matter of her temperament or attitude. Definitely, there is something the other woman always has which the woman at home lacks. This is what a wise woman looks for instead of picking a needless fight with her husband’s mistress.
Allow that woman to be your mirror of reform. You need her to win your husband over. There is always a blessing behind every disappointment. I know you are in pains of betrayal by your husband, but only a well thought out wisdom filled package can replace that pain with joy.
If you are the kind that nags, is not so particular about his food or home, has little time to discuss or listen to him, it is important you change. Befriend him all over again, ask him questions about his work, interest and health. Generate discussion about anything you know interests him, if possible key yourself into that hobby he cannot do without, just to make yourself relevant to him all over again.
You have to get through to him first before trying to change him or stop him from doing what he is currently engaged in. It is more a battle for his conscience.
By making yourself appear completely at his beck and call, you increasingly make it difficult for the other woman to have nothing to hold on to. If you have children, let them go and stay with a friend or relative for the weekend if you cannot afford to take your husband out. Ensure such a weekend is filled with ideas of how to re-invent your marriage. Woo him with your body, mind and soul. Bear in mind that your mission is to recover your marriage hence every hurt and pains you feel, knowing out there is another woman in his life, should be crushed. As long as you are determined that no woman is worth you giving up your husband and home for, you will at the end of the day smile.
It is only after you have done all these, won him over that you can bring up the issue of the other woman. By the time you are discussing her with him, she would have long become history in his life. So the tension often associated with confronting an unfaithful husband wouldn’t be there. You will both be discussing the issue as friends, who are determined to cherish what they have found irrespective of what life throws at them.
In addition, make all the efforts to become his best friend. The good thing about being friends with your spouse is the open door of communication it offers to you as the wife. When a woman is her husband’s best friend, she enjoys a special place, her position as wife doesn’t offer her in her husband’s life. As a friend, the husband will tell her things he would never dare share with his wife. It takes both the grace of God and a deliberate effort on the part of the woman to be her husband’s best friend. No matter what this man does to you, refuse to be irritated instead, ask for the grace of God to defeat the problem.
Once your husband begins to notice changes in you behaviour, he will come back home to you. Every marriage must go through certain challenges to build its character. The different results we get during our time of trials are the issues we play up as well as our reactions while the situation persists.
Bath him with love and attention more than you ordinarily would. You need to now more than ever before because only love has the power to buy back a man who has found comfort in the arms of another woman. Any little mistake on your part is capable of making him stay in his new comfort zone forever. So be careful you don’t give in to your natural urge to be confrontational.
Above all, learn to pray and be mindful of who you discuss your home with. God remains man’s best friend.
Good luck.