Rejecting my hubby’s idea of adoption, my undoing

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I am 48 years old while my husband is going to be 55 next month. We have been married for almost 20 years without a child. There is nothing we have not done to have one.
Despite all the assurances that there is nothing wrong with either of us medically, we still don’t have a child to show for our union.
About 10 years ago, my husband begged me to allow us adopt a child, but I refused. I was bitter and very angry because in my mind, I thought it meant he had given up on my ability to have a child. I was also concerned that it would mean I was the one with the problem so I rejected the idea.
Two years after that, he also made attempts to bring in his late brother’s only child and son who is nine years, whose parents died in an accident, I also refused. After that, he didn’t attempt it again.
Deep down I was determined he won’t make a mockery of me. So I resisted every move he made to adopt or bring a child home.
Recently, my monthly flow stopped suddenly. When I told the doctor, he said it was normal but that we should observe it for sometime before any test can be carried out. In addition, I started experiencing this irritating hotness inside of me. I became very uncomfortable as the heat coming from inside of me became worse. No matter how effective the air conditioner is, I would still break out in sweat beads.
By the time I went back to the doctor, it was obvious I was experiencing all the signs of menopause. I was sad because it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a child.
When I told my husband what the doctor said, he didn’t say anything beyond it being a natural thing.
Three months after, I approached him to discuss the issue of our adopting a child; but to my surprise he told me he was no longer interested. He said at the time he wanted it, I didn’t show any interest.
Four weeks after that discussion, his elder sister came to the house with two little children she introduced as belonging to my husband. From their ages, I guessed they were less than six years old.
Looking back, I noticed, it was about the same time my husband’s family stopped harassing me for a child.
When I confronted him about the children, he didn’t bother to deny it instead, he said I was to blame. That had I agreed to his suggestion to adopt or allow the only child of his late brother come to live with us, he would have stood by me all the way.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, my husband and his family want the mother of his children to move in with us.
I feel used and dumped by my in-laws. Although I have briefed my lawyers about the move by my in-laws, I want your opinion on how best to handle this matter. There is no way I would allow another woman into the house I supported my husband to build simply because I don’t have a child. Is it my fault that I cannot have a child?
Furthermore, I intend asking the courts to insist on a DNA for the children because I don’t think they are my husband’s. If I haven’t been able to conceive for him all these years, how come he is able to father children from another woman?
Iyinu.


Dear Iyinu,
Since he is fit just as you are medically there is nothing stopping him getting another woman pregnant. The problem may just be with the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, nature takes a decision, which no one can explain.
Therefore, your intention to begin a legal battle against the paternity of his children would be needless, a pure exercise in futility. At any rate, your husband who should be the one querying the paternity of the children is sure he is their father. On what basis do you want to go to court? Even if you have all the legal grounds in the world to do so, if your husband comes to court to oppose you and to insist that he knows the children are not his biologically but, decided to adopt them when you refused him the joy of adoption, what are you going to do?
Whether you like it or not, these children are a reality you must learn to accept if you intend continuing with this marriage.
Children are the circle of life. Without them, no adult is ever complete. Your husband, unlike most men, offered you the chance to become a mother by suggesting adoption, which you turned down. Destiny offered you another chance when it provided you the chance of looking after the son of your late brother-in-law who died with his wife in an accident.
Even if you didn’t want to adopt a stranger, what stopped you from agreeing to take this child into your home and live? Even if you had children of your own, the welfare of this child should be your business. God was looking for ways to bless you but you threw your chances away.
There is no way you would have looked after this boy or an abandoned child without God showing you mercy. Your coldness at the rejection of his orphaned nephew must have made your husband to think twice. Ordinarily, as the woman, you should have been the one insisting the boy comes to stay with you.
If you lacked the motherly love to offer an orphan, with what love would you look after your own? Therefore, if you go to court to contest the paternity of your stepchildren, you will only be confirming the fears of your husband about you. No normal woman, no matter how bitter against the world, rejects a needy child.
That you were capable of looking the other way when this child became an orphan underscores your lack of maternal feelings whatsoever.
The fact that you haven’t been able to have your own child doesn’t mean you cannot be happy and fulfilled as a woman. All you have to do is open your heart and allow the sensation of love in.
Given your account, you left your husband with no choice but to do what he did. It would have been a different matter if he didn’t make any attempt to provide you both with an alternative to the challenge you were having in your marriage.
You were too blinded by your resolve not to be potrayed as the one with the fault; you completely ignored his needs and wishes too. By refusing to factor him into your plans, you left your home opened to another woman.
If there is anyone to be blamed for this whole mess, you are. You were selfish, unreasonable and blinded by your own challenges to care about the man whose life too was also involved.
You acted as if you were the only one in the marriage. You forgot marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromises, selflessness, compassion and understanding to nurture. Your husband was crying for help and understanding but you refused to listen to him.
Sincerely, you will end up destroying whatever little chance you have with your husband if you take any legal step.
What you should do is to sit him down for a discussion. No matter how bad a situation appears to be, it can always be redeemed once there is sincerity of purpose.
You can still change his mind about bringing the other woman into the same house as you. All it takes is a complete change of attitude by you. Be happy for him, open your heart to the children. Apologise for the mistakes you made in the past and ask for his support to have a child of your own through adoption. If you can, try to see how you can make peace with his nephew by bringing him home. No matter how hostile your in-laws are, there will be one person who has a soft spot for you. Approach that person for help.
What your husband needs is to see a change in your attitude to trust you again. You have hurt him too much. Be part of his life, dreams and happiness. It isn’t too much to give a man you have spent 20 years of your life with.
In addition, don’t be far away from God.
Good luck.