Her penchant for costly lifestyle may end the union…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
I am one of those affected by the Sanusi banking reforms. I lost my bank job three years ago. I was however given a tidy sum as gratuity, which I quickly invested in the completion of our property and fishery business.
By the grace of God, the business is thriving, which means I am able to meet my obligations to my family. However, certain things like
annual holidays abroad, changing of cars, and attending expensive parties with their attendant uniform (••••aso ebi••, as Yoruba people call it) buying are out of my budget.
To get the cooperation of everybody at home, I called a family meeting
when the money was paid into my account. My children, three of them are all in private and expensive schools in the country. The reason I called them was for them to appreciate my current financial constraints.
They all agreed with me when I mentioned my decision to complete the construction of our home at Magboro, along Lagos Ibadan Expressway. My children were very understanding and promised not to make unnecessary demands on me.
True to their words, they hardly make any. They have been very supportive, always asking after my business and finding ways of helping me grow it. As a matter of fact, my son and daughter spent their holidays in a fish farm to acquire the skill and knowledge to grow better breeds. I was touched by their decision because they didn’t ask me for money for the training, rather they saved their pockets money to fund it.
You can therefore imagine my pains, disappointment and wonder at the attitude of their mother who determined to make my life a living hell.
My wife, who should be my backbone and partner in life, has refused to adjust lifestyle to allow our new means of survival. She almost didn’t want to relocate from Victoria
Island, where we were living to our house. She said it was too remote and too far from all her friends.
It wasn’t until the children and I threatened to leave her in the house that she agreed to come with us.
She expects me to use the money I made from my business to finance her parties, ‘aso ebi’ (uniform), outings and holidays abroad. My attempts to make her see reasons saw her packing out of the house to stay with one of her friends, who since I knew her has always laid claims to a husband who stays abroad. Although I have met her in the company of other men, I pretend not to know the kind of job she does.
I have severally tried to warn my wife to stay away from her, but she won’t listen. This is the woman she is now having as best friends.
The children too have tried to appeal to her to bear with me, but everyday my wife is changing for the worse. Although she agreed to come home last week but I suspect that it is only for a while that she has already made up her mind about the marriage.
I came to this conclusion when she told me that there was no way she could change her lifestyle to make me happy, that going to parties is part of her life.
I tried to get her mother to intervene but the mother too is obstinate. She said it was selfish and unreasonable for me to think her daughter would feel comfortable living where my house is when she has lived all her life as Shitta woman, the heart of Surulere. She said, I should sell my house and get myself a comfortable place on the Island. She also complained that I haven’t bought her any new clothes or trinkets since I left the bank. Like my wife, she said her car too needed a replacement. Admitted, I haven’t been able to meet all the obligations I hitherto oblige her because I am growing my business. I am still using my old cars and they are working well.
I dare not tell my parents who never liked her and her lifestyle from the very day I married her. My parents are of the opinion that she is responsible for my lack of marked progress despite the years I spent in the bank and with the position I got to before I was asked to go.
One of the conditions she is giving is that I should buy her a new car.
Agatha, I am fed up. But for my friend who insisted years back I buy the three plots of land that now houses my home and business, I am not sure I would have left the bank with anything tangible.
Our marriage is 17 years old. I am too confused to think straight.
Gbenga.


Dear Gbenga,
Calm down to avoid courting a health problem that might leave you with expensive medical bills.
There is nothing strange under the sun. The worst that can happen is her walking out of the marriage. If this happens, you won’t be the first man to lose his wife to a better social life or the last. One of you has to think of the welfare of the children. You are lucky the children are understanding and are ready to give you all the support to succeed in your new life. You owe it to these wonderful children to make something positive out of the situation you have found yourself.
There is always a calm after every storm. At this juncture, just thank
God that you have this place to begin life all over again. If you care to look around you, not everybody who left the bank with you has your fall back plan. Some have only their memories of once-upon-a time to live on.
Allow your wife and her mother to make their choice. If your wife thinks your current lifestyle is one she cannot bring herself to conform to grant her the freedom to try someone else. It appears that her mind is made up. Frankly, there is nothing you say or do now that will make her change her mind especially as she has the backing of her mother. It would have been a different kettle of fish if she lacked
the support of her mother. It would have been easy for you to win her back if she were alone in her desires.
It is obvious that your mother-in-law rather than your wife’s friends
is the real problem here. Your wife is who she is because her mother has made her so and is still influencing her to be the daughter she groomed. It isn’t something that started today. Right from the day, you married your wife, your mother-in-law her been in charge of your home through her daughter. It would be hard for you to make your wife see reasons with a mother like that.  There is no way she would ever change to support you in the way a wife should. Even if she wanted to, her mother will never allow her have the peace of mind to.
Sincerely, you caused it. If you hadn’t indulged them all these years, her mother won’t be making these demands on you. The time has come for you to act as a man; make it clear to your wife that you have had
enough of having her mother dictate to you how you spend your money.
Make her realize she has a choice to come back home to help you give them all a good life within your means or cave in to the pressures of her mother.
It is very unfortunate, but to try to force her to stay with you is to
end up with a very miserable home. She has made it as clear to you as
possible that her reasons for marrying you aren’t the same with yours.
She wants the bright and colourful side of life which only your
banking job can finance.
But to leave you blameless, ask her, which is important to her, the welfare of the children whose future will be affected if you pull out the kind of money required to buy a new car from your business or her mad desire to be at par with her circle of friends? This is to ensure
you are clear about her demands as well as have something to refer her back to when that time comes in the future when she realizes her mistake.
When things get to this point in a marriage, it is always best to be realistic. If she wants to continue, let her know it won’t be on her terms. That even if you have the money to buy a new car, you would rather invest in growing your business until it can run itself.
Don’t be afraid to make your stance known to your mother-in-law and
wife. Be rest assured that whatever will be will be. Turn more to God for His help and assistance to make things happen in your life.
Good luck.