He betrayed our vow

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I am a muslim but when my husband and I were dating, I made him promise I would be his only wife.
Right from my early years, I have vowed never to marry a man who would marry more than a wife. I made this vow as a result of my parents’ experiences. Not for one day, did my mother who is my father’s first wife enjoy her marriage.
It was always one form of quarrel or the other in our house.
Mad jealousy drove mothers and children to the extreme, one that involved native doctors, alfas and spiritualists. After a while, the issue for my mother wasn’t my father marryng a new wife, which was his pastime, rather, it was how to protect her children who were dying mysteriously as well as getting sick.
The deaths of my two eldest brothers aged her over night.
With their deaths, the son of the second wife became the first male of the family; when a third wife came that one also died.
I graduated three years after my mates left school because someone in my father’s house didn’t want me to  become a graduate.
One of my siblings is today in a mental home for the same reason.
He happens to be the brightest star among all my father’s children.
If I continue, it may take a life time for me to tell the world how horrible my growing up years were.
For these reasons, I made up my mind not to marry a man who nurses the desire to marry a second wife. Deliberately I went out of my way to befriend only Christian men and would have married one if my father and his brothers didn’t put up a stiff opposition. Being an Iman and his eldest daughter, there was no way, I would dishonour him by marrying outside my faith.
When my current husband came, I explained my entire life to him and my desire to be the only woman in my husband’s life.
He too, a product of a polygamous home, agreed to my terms. In his words, it was the least we could do for our children.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, blessed with two childen, two boys, he has not only changed his mind about our agreement but has gone ahead to marry a second wife who is already pregnant for him.
His excuse? His father who is also a muslim sholar mandated it for him to marry more than a wife.
When I reminded him of our agreement, he said, he cannot ask the other woman to leave his house or terminate the pregnancy she was carrying.
He promised however not to bring her into the house. She currently lives in a rented apartment but I fear along the line she would get fed up of staying outside her husband’s home.
 My parents too are of very little help. My mother said, I should accept it. that it is my destiny.
Agatha, this is one destiny I don’t want. I don’t want to share my husband and home with any other woman.
I don’t want my children going through all those nightmare of a home filled with many mothers and children.
I feel highly betrayed and want an out of this marriage but I don’t have any support from anybody, including my friends who all think I am asking for the impossible in life. They are all preaching peace and tolerance.
I am honestly so confused because of he is caring and loving. Despite taking another wife, he has continued to be fair to me and the children.
The house we currently live in is ours.
To demonstrate his love for the children and I, he not only changed the name on the title deeds to my own but also gave me permission to change the name to my maiden name to give me whatever assurance I need that he would never leave me and the children unprovided for.
Please help me out of this situation because I don’t want to share him with any woman.
Halima.

Dear Halima,
I know you feel bad but. leaving isn’t a solution. unless you are prepared to soldier life on your own as a single mother. If not at one point too, you will end up being the other woman in another man’s life.
No matter how strong willed you are, a time would come when you will find yourself in need of a male company. This is the reality of life, one you would have to think deeply and thoroughly before taking a decision on how you want to proceed.
Besides, whether you leave him or not, your children already have a stepmother who is about to give them a stepsibling. This means,
whatever it is you are trying to prevent has already happened by your husband getting married to this woman. If she is spiritually dangerous, it matters very little whether you live with your husband nor not. She would still make attempts to destroy you and the children if she so desires.
Therefore, your concern now shouldn’t be how to run away from the nightmare of your youth but, how to manage the challenges your current situation presents.
The first place to begin is to revisit your premarital promises to each other.
How realistic was that promise considering the fact that your religion permits polygamy.
Irrespective of whatever promises you made to each other, the fact remains that your religion doesn’t frown at a man marrying more than one wife. This means you have to accept the presence of the other woman in your lives. Besides, the typical
African man is a polygamist by nature. You cannot change the nature of the average man, no matter how hard you try to.
The only thing that changes a man is the fear of God.
Once he makes up his mind not to offend his God,  life becomes easier for the woman in his life.
Being a Muslim by birth and practice, he isn’t acting against his religion or the orders of the God he serves. For this reason, you must act with a measure of wisdom here.
Don’t throw away all you have laboured for in the last 10 years. If not for your sake, do it for your children whose legacy and father you will be giving up for another to enjoy.
As long as there is no violence and the woman isn’t staying in the same house as you and your children, stay on. But, good wisdom demands you turn over your life completely to the God you serve. In addition, don’t involve yourself in the affairs of the other woman.
As long as your husband is taking care of you and the children, mind your business.
Don’t allow any third party intervention in the world you have created for you and your children.
When he is with you, treat him with all the respect he deserves as your man. And when he is with the other woman, allow him be.
At this point, you also need to ask yourself an important question.
How perfect have you been as a wife? Granted that religion maybe a factor in his decision to take another wife would be have done if he didn’t have a profound reason to? There is the need for you to X-ray your own behavior as a wife and friend.
It is important you do, to ensure you continue to remain revelant in his life, especially now that there is another woman to match you up with. He may not set out to deliberately compare you with his second wife but it is human nature to hence, your need to improve on your weak points which maybe the real reason he decided to take another wife.
He may not really be able to explain his reasons but the mind has a way of filling in the missing gap when it finds the right answer to issues that have long baffled it.
This maybe the real reason and unless you work on that aspect of your character and person, you risk losing him completely to the other woman.
It isn’t everytime in a polygamous setting that the rival depends on charm to win over the man. Good character, devotion and quality attention given the man can make all the difference to a man who has been thristy for such things in his life.
By being truthful to yourself, you will be saving yourself from a lot of needless headaches.
And to do a good job of this, you have to let go of your disappointments at his betrayal.
Just accept early that he wasn’t meant to be faithful to you.
It will help you recover early as well as help you focus on the things you have to do.
Your parents and friends asking you not ot leave him know that life is a very thorny path.
Nothing is ever as it seems. This is why you  must be tolerant, patience and focused.
By being faithful to your God and applying His given wisdom, you can still come to enjoy this marriage as much as you set out to, in the beginning irrespective of the other woman’s presence in his life.
Always remember no woman fights a marital challenge on her own powers.
As long as you give yours over to your God, you will win at the end of it all.
Good luck.