After he ‘arrived,’ I’m no more his match…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.


Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.