My daughter is stubborn, unruly

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. It is always a pleasure to read you. Your serialisation of the marriage issue you treated in November is a collector’s item. I look forward to when you would decide to turn it into a book. I am 55 years of age. My first daughter is married to one of the most gentle men I have ever met. But my daughter is a very stubborn and unruly lady. Right from her younger days, she has always been wayward. There is nothing I haven’t done to make her change but she has remained the way she is. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking she is my nemesis. I had her when I was 19 from my first affair. My mother wanted me to abort the pregnancy but young as I was, I insisted I wanted to keep it. Looking back at the many things she has done to me, I sometimes wish I had listened to my mother. I am not proud to say this but she has done things beyond my comprehension. I have never stopped praying for her. Her other siblings keep their distance from her because of her behaviour. When she brought this man home, as the man she desired to marry, I couldn’t stop thanking God because of the nature of this man. Like every other mother, I called my daughter aside to plead with her not to allow this man out of her life; that God brought him to change her life for the better. I also called the man aside to plead with him to always tolerate his wife and that he must be more than a husband to her. I explained to him that she needed a father figure. Their wedding day was my happiest day. She was so beautiful; I wept for joy. Two years down the road, I don’t know what to do with her anymore. The husband is tired of her. Can you imagine she would leave her baby and go partying with friends, come back home drunk? She has also been linked with several men. I have done my best to shield her from the wrath of her husband but she has persisted. Now she is accusing me of being her problem; that I am the one feeding her husband with false information about her; I am so confused at this. Really I don’t know what to do about her. Since she is always leaving the baby for her husband, he has expressed a desire for me to keep the baby with me since he doesn’t want his family to know what is happening. I don’t want more problems with my daughter by offering to take the baby but if I don’t, she will lose her home because I am aware of the pressures my son-in-law is facing from his family. Please what do I do? Do I damn my child and take the baby off her or distant myself from this whole mess? Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, Refuse to be blackmailed by your daughter. There is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her child. If your taking the child will allow for peace in her home, preserve her marriage and give her husband a reason to always come back home, ignore your daughter. Make the success of her home your priority; by the time she gets to that point every woman gets to know and realises that she needs her home and family more than anything else, she will be grateful for the positive roles you played in the preservation of her home. Because she still considers herself hot and attractive, she will do anything in her power to frustrate you so that she can continue to live her life the way she deems fit. You have to be careful she doesn’t use you as the reason for the collapse of her marriage. This is why you must stand your ground and do what you consider to be right always irrespective of what she thinks of your concern for her. While you continue to arbitrate in her marriage, you must also find ways of talking to her. In a way, your inability to get through to her maybe the reason she is living her life the way she likes. Weaning a child of his or her bad ways takes more than scolding. You have to show her love and understanding by coming down to her level. You need to talk to her as a friend. Having her at 19, may have affected the way you relate with her. Sometimes it isn’t the things we say that end up being the problems in our lives but those things we refuse to say. If you have always acted as if she is a burden, never finding that time to treat her as a special child, there is no way she will ever be an ideal child to you. Somehow, she may have escaped with the notion that you don’t like her being a child of circumstance. Her behaviour is her way of crying out to you to help her by giving her attention. It is time you sat your daughter down for that important mother and daughter talk. Open up to her about her paternity; if she hasn’t met her father, please take the steps. It is important else she will never be the kind of daughter you want her to be. She has to know who her father and family is. She can never have the peace of mind or the kind of respect you deserve as a mother. She needs you as her friend to move beyond this stage of rebellion to other things. Chances are she is also rebelling against her husband because of his closeness to you. Unless you do the unusual, you will lose her forever and in a way destroy her home. It is time to revisit your past; at her age, she will understand whatever you have to say concerning your relationship with her father as well as the decisions you took. It will also help to know that you had a choice to abort her and that your mother actually suggested it to protect you but that you insisted on having her because you loved her from the beginning. The essence of telling this story is to help her realise the kind of sacrifice you made for her even before she was born. Also, explain your closeness to her husband and the reason you appear to always be on his side. Appreciating that your interest doesn’t go beyond that of being a mother, will help her calm down. Furthermore, reconcile your children; although you didn’t say what kinds of things happened between her and her siblings, you must overcome your pains by bringing all of them together. Being the only one of a different father, she needs your love and support to properly integrate into the family. You are the only one that has the authority to bring your children together. And please don’t allow her behaviour stop you from praying for her. Battles of this nature are won on bent knees and not by fighting or getting angry. She may not know it now but, she needs you more than she realises. Call her and her husband for a detailed discussion on the challenges of marriage and how their imperfection can end up being their strength. Also make it clear, you are taking the child for now to enable both of them get their acts together. Good luck.