Could you beg my husband to forgive me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were extremely close while we were in school. When he left me to marry another woman, I was very devastated that I married the first man that proposed to me. I never loved my husband but I had to accept his proposal to protect my image and heart. Being a marketing officer, he was always traveling which gave me freedom from his boring presence. The more he tried to make me happy, the more I loathed him; so much so it became difficult for me to relax whenever we were making love. At a time, I had to device the means of juxtaposing his image with that of my ex to make myself endure his attention. Deep down I didn’t want to have a baby for him and just at the time he was putting pressures on me, I met my ex again quite by accident and one thing led to the other, I became pregnant for him. I was happy thinking he would marry me; I didn’t mind being his second wife as long as I would remain in his life. The issue now is that he is declining responsibility for the child. He said, I should either get rid of it or pass it to my husband as his’. It could have been done if I hadn’t told my husband off; told him that I am leaving him for good; that I have found the man I have always loved; that I never loved him. I have also told him that I am pregnant with the other man’s child. So how do I go back to him? I have suddenly come to the realization that I love him so much. I have made up my mind to abort the baby but the real issue is how to get my husband to listen to me. Can you call him for me since he is your fan? I am sure he will listen to you. And please tell me what to do to make him accept my presence again in his life. Janice. Dear Janice, This matter is beyond my intervention; it is too fundamental for me to get involved. This is a matter you have to first tackle on your own with your husband before I can call him to plead on your case. To do it at this stage is to sweep all the important issues of your union and situation under the carpet. Besides, it will be giving you an easy landing when you should face the consequences of your action. You don’t spit on a man’s face and expect someone else to clean it for you. Even if he agrees to my intervention now, the truth is, the real problems will still remain and bound to come up again in a few months time because marriage is about two people. Both of you must first get to a point for a third party to come into it. In addition, if this man were your brother or friend, would you advice him to take back his wife simply because someone he respects comes into it? The right thing is for you to first attempt a candid approach to it. There are very important issues laced into it that requires your attention as well as assurances. Granted there is no marriage without its upheavals but these are very serious things you have done; issues capable of demoralizing the man as well as damaging him for another woman he maybe interested in marrying in the future. Not only did you hold back your love from him, you also denied him that part of you that is important to every man. it isn’t until you put a knife to his neck to cut it open that you have killed him; in every way, you have killed that thing that makes him a man. If it was a just a case of you going out to have an affair, though bad in itself, it would have been more clear cut a case. But how does one begin to beg a man you so callously treated? You told to his face, not just about the affair you were having but of the baby you are expecting for the man who has made it impossible for you to love him as you ought to. The first question here is, would you have come back to him if the other man you got pregnant for agreed to marry you as a second wife? This is one question you must answer with every fiber of truth in you. it is not just about wanting to come back to your husband but about what you really feel for this man. If you were a man, would you take back a woman who treats you the way you have treated your husband? Would you ever entrust your life to a woman who had the guts and boldness to tell you she never loved you and is leaving you on account of the result of her extra marital affair? What assurances that he won’t be opening himself up for more pains by accepting you back into his life? Honestly, you can only move on from this marital precipice you have placed yourself by first coming out to work on yourself. Remember this man didn’t drive you away; by your own choice, you decided to throw him and his love to the dogs. Your coming back therefore, must be something you really understand and desperate to make right. Between you telling him off and now, what has changed to make you want to come back to him? He deserves to know since that will be one of the things he would put into consideration when making up his mind about your new position. For instance, on what terms do you want to come back to him; to be your friend or continue as your husband? In that case, what happens to the baby inside of you? Even if you succeed in aborting it as you are contemplating, how do you plan to delete the memories of your conduct from your husband’s memory? The truth is when issues become this complicated in a marriage, it is always best for both parties to go on separate little holiday to work things out. Beyond your telling him what your new position is about him, give him time to digest all that have happened to him. That he didn’t complain about your attitude towards his presence during those days he wanted intimacy with you doesn’t mean, he wasn’t aware of your reaction to his presence in your life. Chances are he kept quiet hoping you will get over whatever the problem bothering you was. He may have even suspected your unfaithfulness but hearing it from your own mouth must have caused something to die deep inside him. To even get him to listen to your proposal, you must first find the man inside of him that you lost through your own carelessness. This is the man you must apologise to, make peace with, allay the natural fear of his safety with you and reassure of your loyalty before you can approach him as your husband. this is because you didn’t hurt your husband but rather you did the man encased inside him. He may and may not take you back, but you need to seek first his forgiveness to be able to move past the position you have placed in yourself. As for the pregnancy, the choice of what to do is yours but what happens if that is the only child you are predestined to have? Won’t that be cutting your nose to spite your face? That child is innocent, had no hand in your reckless decisions to sleep with a man who left you to marry another woman. The fact that he left you in the first place to wed another should have told you in clear terms that he didn’t feel the things you felt for him. That alone should have made you to avoid him like a plague. You and not the man; are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. If he denied you and your pregnancy, he has every right to because in accepting what you freely offered, he didn’t promise you anything. His decision shows he is a man who values his home despite his affairs with you. Since you knew the risks involved in dating a married man and announcing your infidelity to your husband, be bold enough to take on the responsibility of this child. Don’t complicate things for yourself by tampering with this pregnancy. If your husband loves you, the presence of that child will not stop him from taking you back. Good luck.