Trusting him could be very dangerous…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.

Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.